In the eyes of Joseph

I was sitting in church on Christmas eve, and they were doing this skit, with Mary and Joseph, the skit got me thinking, not because it was the greatest skit, but seeing Joseph made my mind wonder. What it would have been like to be Joseph, holding God's son, taking care of him. I wondered if he was doubting himself, if everytime he did something, was he nervous, I mean this is God's son. When Jesus hit his 2's and starting walking, and fell the first time, maybe scratched his knee, or bumbed his head, did he feel bad that he hadn't watched God's son good enough, I wondered the pressure he may of had, trying to be right before God. I wondered did Jesus throw fits, I mean he was sinless, so was Jesus the perfect child that did nothing wrong, or is a two year old a two year old, and does God even hold a two year old accountable for his actions, there for Jesus could have thrown fits. Did Jesus push his limits, and if so everytime he pushed them was Joseph scared to do wrong or dicipline, in the eyes of God, after all it is God's son. I just thought of the extra pressure he might of had, when Jesus cried, did Joseph get frustrated, then feel guilty about his thoughts, being in charge of God's son. Did Joseph have a fear of God, trying to do right at all times, speaking a calm way, loving extra, checking his actions to make sure God would be pleased. As these thoughts were in my head, a new thought came to my mind, isn't Brennan God's son, Leighton his daughter, Hayden and Cohen His son's, and my two year old who causes me to fail as a parent many days, His daughter. Aren't we all His children, shouldn't I have the same fears I was thinking Joseph may have had? Conviction came on me, last night as I was still pondering all these thoughts. My children are God's, to raise the way He would want, to guide them to His love, shouldn't I have the same fears? My children are borrowed, they are not my own, they belong to Him, I will have to stand before God on account of my mothering. I know this has changed my thinking, when I speak to my children, I should ask, am I doing right before you, If i'm having "one of those days", I should ask God for His grace, and always wonder am I doing your will, am I taking care, the best care I can of your son's and daughters. I pray I always think this way, that I live my life, as I would think Joseph did, and Mary did caring for the son of God, Questioning how to love and care for these gifts.

glass

i try to pretend, i try to ignore, but things just build up. i see that wall in front of me, but it's not made of brick, it's glass, i can see through it still, and some can see in. it's enough to let people see me, but not enough to let them in. i feel safe with the glass, i get to choose what i keep on the other side, but i fear, with one hard blow it's going to come crashing down, and break into a million pieces. I fear even more that a tiny rock, will but a crack in it, then causing it to come crashing down. I wish I could put a brick wall up, but this I can't do, I still need to see, I still need to feel like i'm in control, even though most days this is not the case.

thank You

this week every morning i wake up and benji is not here, so i've gotten the kids off to school, most days the clock is ticking way to fast, and i'm reminding the kids to keep moving, but i'm so thankful that he's working, i'm so thankful that You have provided a way. i'm so thankful you have given us everything we need. with Christmas around the corner, it feels so good to know that this year there is peace, a calm, that only You could have given. yes benji has lost another route, but we know it's going to be o.k, because we know You make it o.k., thank you for giving me a hard woking husband, that i've missed this week while he works those long hours, and at times i've felt a little lonely, but I know that we have everything we need, and sometimes we just have to do more, taking the time for each other, giving to each other in ways we need. my heart is with him, a heart you have given me, so i ask today You bless him, You protect him, and You pave the way for him to have all that he needs, give him that peace, open that door, bless him far greater then he's ever seen, give him wisdom in all that he does. no he's not perfect, niether am i, and times i wonder, we don't do all that we should, we don't give all that we could, but yet You do, with no strings attatched, help us have a heart like Yours, to open our eyes beyond our own walls. Thank You is what i've come to say today, for our lives, for our kids, for our health, for all that we have, thank you that we have it all in You.

Why am I suprised? because You always know, You always make a path, that leads and directs, that makes a way to build, to allow people to enter into my life, that needed that friend. A person to trust, a person to listen. It always amazes me, that when you stop and really listen, someone has a story, a need. That if you give a little of your time, to "be there", it's worth more then any gift that could be given. Life is way more then about me, I'm not the only one who has tribulations, I'm not the only one who is feeling lonely, I'm not the only one who hungers for more. I see those steps now, that first "hi", those words you spoke through me, "i'm your friend, if you need anything i am here", that small group I decided to do, but didn't understand why?, it's to get me here, her here, to know that she has a friend, to trust, no judgement, a real friend, through You, allowing me to be used, so why do I always sit here so amazed at who You are? Because that is who You are, full of those great suprises, full of Hope, full of Love, You know way more then I can ever, You see when I am not looking, and You build when I have laid down the tools. Thank you, for using me, why me, I'll never know, sometimes I don't feel worthy, but to show a little peice of who You are, I am here Lord, use me however you want.

for you

My God I want to do what you want.

Your teachings are in my heart.

I will tell about your goodness in the great meeting of

your people.

Lord, you know my lips are not silent.

I do not hide your goodness in my heart;

I speak about your loyalty and salvation.

I do not hide your love and truth

from the people in the great meeting.

Lord, do not hold back your mercy from me;

let your love and truth always protect me;

Psalms 40:8-12

I don't know if lately I could honestly say all that I do is for You, I don't know if I can honestly say that all that I am is for You, but I read this, and remembered this is written like a song out of my own heart. A reminder that this is what I want to be, this is what I am created for, to do what you want. "Remember, God loves you just the way you are, but he refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to have a hope-filled heart.....just like Jesus"- Max Lucado. I know God loves me, for who I am right now, I speak of his goodness, his love, his loyality, so many times to those around me, but often forget to execpt the same for myself. But thankfully his teachings are close to my heart, and my heart is speaking the loudest right now, to do what He wants me to do, to do it for Him, to live for Him, to wait for Him, to mold me and make me who He wants me to be, thank You, that you love me the way that I am, that You see greater in me, that you refuse to leave me only this.

nothing sweeter

Leighton's "I am thankful" book (Bold is what Leighton filled in)

I am thankful for many things. I am thankful for the turkey I eat. I am thankful for the dress I wear. I am thankful for the house that i live in. I am thanful for the doll that I play with. I am thankful for the family that I love. I am thankful for the trees I see outside. I am thankful for God that I love most of all.


She did this at school, and when i turned the last page and saw that she filled in for "God that I love most of all", a few tears started to come down. What is it about when a child says something like that on their very own, that just makes your heart so full. What a sweet little girl, I know this had to make God's day, because it sure did make mine.

6 years. perfectly Hayden.

You are 6 today, as I wrote 6, I think I'm just now really realizing that you are 6! You are my little buddy, my little cuddle bug, my goofy child. Since the day you were born, you have been a mama's boy, longing for my hugs, my attention, my love. You have never been a needy child, just so full of love to give, yet also longing to recieve. At times, you stop everything you are doing to run up and give me that perfect hug and kiss. every day with out me asking you stop, come over for a minute, and just quietly lay your head on me, and say "i love you" You are just the sweetest little boy, so sensitive, so bright, so happy, and so full of personality. You crave attention, but not in an obnoxious way, in a quiet sort of way, just content to get your fill in this full house we live in. Another birthday has landed today, and what did you want, to wake up next to me, so I let you sleep in my bed, which is a huge treat, since i never let kids in the bed, but how could i resist, it was your birthday wish (though i didn't sleep very well) to wake up this morning, and hear you say "it's my birthday!".... and came flooding in the memories of your last 6 years. You were my easiest baby, so happy, so content, so joyful in everyway. You have this smile that makes your whole face smile, every expression you make is so full of you character, that character makes you who you are. the picture above says so much about you, talking, telling a story, being you, there's so much going on in that face of yours, it's one of the things I love most, to just sit and watch you talk, to see those big "black" eyes light up, that smile that curves so perfectly, those big cheeks, with the perfect dimple's placed inside. I love you so much, and I am so proud of you, so happy that you are mine. Yes in the last years you have stepped out and become more independent, have become more of a daddy's boy, wresteling, playing "war", doing what boys do, but there is something that I pray will always be, our connection, our story, our love. I love to watch you become a real boy, talking about things I can't begin to understand, but love to hear. I love to watch you put on your show for the family, trying to get the attention, the laughs, the encouragent to do more. I love to see you play with your brothers and sisters, longing to be bigger like Brennan, sneaking off to play with Leighton (playing house or something a boy "shouldn't" do),, playing with Cohen trying to prove that your the bigger one, older and wiser, and helping your little sister, holding her hand as she climbs those steps, or picking up that toy she demands you get. You have a very important place in our family, a perfect place! Your our middle child, and sometimes, with you.. being so easy and content, you get lost in the shuffle, but as I sit in think, it's a good thing to be you, at times being the middle is exactly where you like to be,  not on your own, but so much apart, in everyone's lives, in the middle of it all. I love you!

Things I've come to realize:

i will never have it all together, but i believe i have been given it all!

kids crying can be the worse sound to a mother's ear, but laughter is the best

a husbands love is secound best, God's is always first

family can be the hardest part of life, but the greatest all in one

a dirty house is a good thing, it means we are living 

having too much laundry is a blessing, i could be in need of clothes

a hug can be all i need for one day, to get me through

watching a kid, really to stop and watch them, is the best show in the world

hanging out with the people i love the most, is way better then filling my calender with to do's

slowing down, feels great

i haven't gone missing

My life has been crazy, but good. I haven't gone missing, as i feel some may think i have. i'm stepping into another part of my life, apart i have longed for, for so long. a part that i feel is me. a place i can be who i am, with out a definition of someone else. i've lived my life so long, doing for others, giving all that i am, to watch other's dreams come true, to help, to guide, to just be. God is fullfilling so many things in my life right now, so many prayers are being answered, and it feels so good. but in this craziness, i'm still me, still first a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend. nothing could replace that, nothing! even though i feel that i have slacked in those area's, this past few days, weeks, months, with all of you is where my heart is. it's where i get my insperation, with out it this dream is nothing. so my blogs have gone unattended, and so many other things, like a clean house on occation, the laundry has been left overflowing, and i have post it's reminding me of my daily duties over flowing on my computer. i'm still learning how to juggle a dream, and a life. for so long it was just that a dream stuck in my head, but lately it has started to come to pass, and has become reality. so forgive me, as i learn, to adjust to this new life i live, i love all of you, and i'm here, still me, i haven't gone missing.

an unknown question, with a clear answer

hey open heart, where are you? i feel as though i can't figure out what my own heart wants right now, like my feelings are off, it's weird nothings bugging me, nothings making me unhappy, yet there is this longing, this constant, unhappieness so to say, that i need more, that i'm not doing all that i should be, but there is no answer, no heart crying out, longing for that something. instead i sit here a little confused, wondering did i shut myself off, did i train this heart to block somethings, and now i can't hear it all? am i so busy right now that i'm missing the clearest signs? I have no answers, and yet no questions that could directly lead me to finding the answers, just here, living this week, day in and day out, not feeling fulfilled, not feeling complete, or having the drive to get anywhere. Just a question of where do i go from here? Why my heart doesn't feel open, or filled, but instead borded up, with a lock on it, yet I don't understand how that board, or lock might have gotten there. I'm in a strange place, a place where I don't even understand me. Somethings not right, and I think that something is a someone...me, and there is only One who will answer, Who know's me better then myself, and i think it's time, I can't remove this, only He can, now it's just the time i let Him, time to let go, allow Him to show me what i'm holding on to, what it is that is blocking my way, I can't see, but He does, It's time to look through His eyes not my own, I have failed me, but He will not. The answer is Him, no matter what the question is, How will I make it today, by Him, How will this bill get paid, by Him, How will I forgive, by Him, How will i let go, by Him, no matter what the question is even the ones we don't know what we"re asking, everything is though Him and by Him.

dear husband,

if i could take the weight you carry i would. if i could fix things and make them so easy i would. i see how hard you work, and how hard you want to work. i see that things are tough because of others decisions, and how you honor them and do right, even when they do wrong by you. i'm praying for you, for a door to open, for a gift from Him. i know He has great plans for you, i know this isn't all. I know He has always taken care of us, and that is why you keep going, knowing that He always provides. we have never gone with out, just as we have all that we need now, but i'm believing for more, so the stress isn't there, so the wondering if we'll get by tomorrow will go away. i believe in you, by and through Him. you are His, and so i don't worry, knowing that He is in control. i know how much you want to give to us, how much more you wish you could give, but know that you are enough for me, forever and always. our family is perfect, everything i have, is because of you, i know i'm always wanting more, and wishing i could have all these things, but they are nothing with out you, it's you, i love, it's who you are, your love that you give, no-one loves me, or see's me the way you do. i love our life, that you have provided us. thank you for all that you do, thank you for all that you are, and thank you for being a better man then i ever dreamed of. who would have thought two 15 year olds, would have come this far, and this strong. we have so much to be thankful for, and right now that's all i am, thankful for you.

just a bubble on the road

sometimes i get in my own bubble, a comfortable spot, for awhile. a place where i hide, just to be whoever i want to be. no-one to see me, no-one to judge me. and for a little bit i like it, i like being able to control my thoughts, to allow myself to feel anything i please. to focus on what i'm doing at the moment, i get lost, and i forget, but at some point loneliness comes back, and finds it's way back in. and i begin to wonder, is it worth it? it never is. i guess we're created to be together. to share in all lives experience, the good, the great, the bad, and the ugly. i can share the good, and it's so easy to share the great, the bad is do-able, but the ugly, i keep it all mine. even though it's the one that i would love to pass, to get rid of, to never see again. but all is apart, of this life i live. so here i've been in this bubble, enjoying up to this point, but i guess it's time to pop, time to move, time to release. somewhere along this road i've been traveling, i picked up new pieces, and i've let old ones go, i've picked up some new wonderful things, some unexpected, and some that i shouldn't have, i've let go of things holding me back, some that i wish i could find again, and some i have no idea when they left. i need to go back, pick up those things i shouldn't have lost of myself, and trade them in for the pieces, i shouldn't have exchanged with. but you can't go back, i can't redo. i just have to hope somewhere along this road, i can keep moving, get outside of this bubble, and i can let go again, and pick up greater things. i have to hope that my roads cross with the ones i love the most, and that at points i'll allow them to walk with me, and at others, i'm strong enough to walk alone. i just need courage, to release, to be free. to be who i was truly designed to be. to feel, alive, and apart. to just be a free, open hearted, person along this road that is only my own, in this life that was molded at these moments, just for me. but my feet are stopped, i can't seem to move. maybe tomorrow.....

Im (not) doing my best

last night i was thinking about Hayden, being the middle child, often content, the kid that gets in the least trouble, the kid that can go unnoticed for a day. i started thinking, how he's the true middle child, doesn't need a lot of attention, because the other kids seem to get it all. Brennan being the oldest, gets the most responsibility, often getting the most praise in the family for being a good big brother, a good student, a leader. Leighton, being the second, but first girl, tends to be my side kick, and our little mother hen. She loves to cook with daddy, and help out with her little sister and brothers. plus with difficulty in school in the past, gets lots of praise now that she's doing so good. Cohen with all his medical/skin/allergy problems takes up a lot of our time, conversations, and prayers. Ashlyn being the baby, usually has everyone's full attention, and if she doesn't she will find a way to steal it, by being a typical 2 year old in all ways. So i was thinking about Hayden how he get the butt end so to say, I don't think i've written about him in a blog, i know he prefers to play with his brother and sisters, just content with being in the family. i thought, man i'm not doing my job right trying to make sure he know's he has his place, but then i started making excuses, he the one that doesn't care, he's the one that needs me the less, he's the one that wants to play and doesn't care if he has are undevided attention, he likes just being here. that led me to think i have 5 kids, i can only do so much, i'm doing my best, but as soon as i uttered those words, i knew how wrong i was, i got convicted right there on the spot, as if God heard those words (which i'm pretty sure he did) and said "really your best?" The week came flooding back, was i my best when i lost my patients with Leighton, was i the best when i yelled at my kids, was i my best when i didn't give Brennan the chance to explain, was i my best when i got frustrated with Cohen about screaming in the bath, and the only reason why he screamed was because he says his skin burns him. was i my best when ashlyn was throwing that tantrom? and of course am i best right now, because Hayden's not sticking out in my mind at all, about the past week, except him playing video games, and playing with his sisters/brother, or fighting with Cohen, but that puts more attention on Cohen them himself. No i haven't been giving this life my best, and don't the kids deserve the best of me. doesn't my husband deserve the best of me. "i'm doing my best" is an excuse to not face the reality of who I am. it's a poor excuse, God only gives us what we can handle, and didn't he give me 5 kids?, a husband?, a family?, friends?, so i'm more then capable of giving my best to all of them. I had to say i'm sorry, sorry for not doing my best, for not asking for His help to be my best, the problem, i was doing my best, but with out Him, on my own, and that is a dangerous place to be at. I can only be my best, with Him guiding and leading, helping, and encouraging. Living the way He has shown. I can only say I'm doing my best, when He is apart, when i allow Him to have control over my emotions, my actions, my thoughts. When i give Him me as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and surrender complete control and say "do as you want with me, make me your best" I don't want to be my best, it has to be His best. So i know as a middle child myself, i can say that one day Hayden will notice that the others outshined him, that he may with hold his own feelings, for the sake of others, and often feel alone, desserted, and forgotten about, due to that fact that i as a mother, just think he's the easy child, that he's o.k., that he can handle things better, because he's the strong one in the family. My mom always told me it's not that i don't care about you, i'm proud of you, your stronger then the rest, it's just that your sister needs me more. I wish she only knew how wrong that statement was, i saw that my sister needed her, but i also saw a lonely heart in myself, watching my mothers attention go to someone else, when i needed it to, maybe not in the way she was giving it to her, but in a way that's all my own. which is why i think i found the love of my life at such a young age, because i needed someone to set me apart, to love just me the way i longed for. but here i am today doing the same to my own kid, but luckily, He let me see, Hayden needs me in his own way, just as the other kids need me. thankfully He let me see i'm not my best, but with Him i can be. i'm more than sorry, for my behavior this past week, and from as far back as i can remember, i fell short, but He's picking me up, letting me see that I'm not doing my best, but today is a new day, the light was turned on and i can see, i'm seeing with new eyes, and hopefully I can stand before Him, in full confidence that I am doing my best.

hands

i've always wanted to get my kids handprints and use them as art around my house, it is way to hard to get a two year olds hand print, what was i thinking. i thought about scratching the whole thing, and starting over, but hey i got 4 out of 5 pretty good hands, and doesn't that 2 year old handprint represent a 2 year old. so for know, this project i got myself into on this lazy, boring, Saturday will just have to do, i know one day, i'll wish these tiny hands were the ones that i sill held. so i think i'm going to keep it just the way it is, just the way my life is, the truth, with a messy two year old filling our house, just perfectly her. each handprint perfect on it's own. my kids.

school here we come!

Leighton came home from school yesterday with an application to become an "Ambassador of Character" which means she is saying she is going to set herself apart from the other kids, and set a good example on how to behave, having a positive attitude, and to be someone to look up to. She has to get nominated by 3 adults at her school, which she says she knows the 3. I know the three too, and trust me she'll have no problem getting nominated. I am so proud of her that she wants to set herself apart, make right choices, and set examples to other kids. Isn't that what we've been instilling in her? Another part of the questioner is who do you admire, and why do you admire this person, she choose me. my heart just melted! i know it's easy at this age to choose a parent, but she said she choose me because i set lots of good examples for her. I am just so blessed to have such a sweet daughter, God really does give you the best!

I always said, if your going to put your kids in school, any school, as a parent we should be involved. We'll I has signed up to be head room mother in Hayden's class this year, but put only if no-one else wanted to sign up. I got a phone call last night that someone else did sign up, but that the teacher has requested me, writing "yes, love her, she's great" on the paper, so they wanted to offer it to me first. I sat there on the phone dumbfounded that the teacher would write that, it touched me so much. She was Brennan's kindergarten teacher, so we do know each other, but only through class parties, and parent teacher meetings, but that from this she wrote those words.

I guess the whole reason for me writing this blog was to say, how much we can and do impact people's lives. How there is always opportunities, to show God to people, even when they might not know it's Him your showing. but by living the life by example, it causes people to know that you are set apart. I know that Leighton and I are going to make a difference in this school. I know Brennan and Hayden will too. And it causes people to ask, what are they doing right. people ask me all the time, how i have such sweet kids, we'll the credit goes to Him, he made them, and has given me the right words, and tools on so many occasions to be a good parent, and when i have fallen short He has forgiven me, and helped me use my own life to show my kids, how we fall short, but He always loves and forgives.

So watch out school here we come, determined to make a difference in anyway we can. We come to show His love, by loving and excepting His people just the way they are, not running from them, to shield are kids, but to be where He has placed us, in your lives, hoping we make connections, and reveal His love by these connections.

at what ever cost

today brennan came home from a friends house, after spending the night and going to a birthday party, and something about him just wasn't right. so i asked him if everything was all right, he said yes. but something in me said there was something wrong. i asked again did something happen, he still said no, but he looked like he was going to cry. i persisted, brennan do you promise nothing is wrong, and he said yes. but still i knew something wasn't right, i know my child, maybe more so, God knew my child. so i stepped into him, grabbed his face with two hands, in a loving manner, and looked him in they eye, brennan if something is wrong, or you did something you can tell me anything. i promise i won't get mad, i love you, just tell me what is wrong. he broked down into tears and said, kids were making fun of him, my heart sank, he said and he stuck up for himself and called her names back. i know this isn't most people response, and maybe it wasn't right, but i said give me a high five, this stunned him. i said at what ever cost you stick up for yourself. see i believe that kids need to know it's o.k to stick up for themselves, to defend who they are, especially boys, they need to defend thier honor so to say(read wild at heart by John elderidge, not sure that's spelled right,and you may understand this a little more) then i asked him if he got into trouble, he said that an older girl came over, the kids cousin he had thought, and told him to stop, he tried to defend himself that she had been making fun of him too, but the girl had lied, and said she didn't say anything. i asked what was said, he said he couldn't remember. still crying at this point, and i almost was too, i told him that even though standing up for yourself is right, you can do it in a rightful way. by just saying i don't care what you say, or just leave me alone. I told him, if he hadn't made fun of her back, that he wouldn't have had to be corrected. that she couldn't have lied, and that we can make right choices with still standing up for ourselves. I told him that we choose to let people get to us, and if we choose to not let someone, we don't even know, bother us, they can't. but i also told him that it still hurts, words hurt. i went on to tell him when i was a kid, people made fun of me, and that people are going to mean, they are going to make fun, and we are going to get hurt, but that we can choose to do right, and try not letting them get to us. i told him a few stories about when i was a kid, and tried to relate to where he was at. I hugged him, told him how much i loved him, and that he can tell me anything no matter what, not to bottle things up, not to deal with things alone. i told him that no matter what he does, i will love him, no matter what, that he's going to make mistakes, he going to make wrong choices, but i know this, but we love him no matter what, we'll always love him, he can't do something to take that away, ever. after our conversation, we changed, he changed, he started talking to me, and hanging out with me. we played war (the card game) and i listened to his stories. i found out that he had made right choices while he was at his friends house, that this kids mother had told his friend (her child) to become more like brennan, i asked him why she said that, he told his friends they should help her carry things in, she was bringing in stuff from the car, and he had offered their services to help her. a few minutes later, he said he had gotten two dollars from his mom, for being honest. him and his friend were playing with a ball, and it knocked down some things from her shelves and broke, so he told his friend they needed to tell her what happened, she gave him the money for being honest. I don't know if this lady knows it, but i believe she showed God to my son, and when i get a chance i will thank her. I thank God for taking care of my son, when i am not around. using people to teach His love. how doing the right thing makes a difference. i thank God for putting that sence that something wasn't right, and allowing brennan to open up. i could have given up, but my kids are not worth given up on! i'm not sharing this to brag, after all i did give him a high five, but to share that our kids need us, they need us to pry, to question, to listen, to love no matter what. they need to know we are here to help and guide them.they need to know we relate to their lives, they need sucurity. they need to know it's o.k to make mistakes, that we don't expect them to be perfect, though sometimes our expectations tell them other wise. we need to pray, that God is always taking care of them, protecting, loving, rewarding. they need us.

how to get your kids to behave...

people ask me all the time, how my kids are so well behaved, we'll it helpes to have good reading material...





and when they aren't behaving, boot camp begins.

my perfectly two digit 10 year old.

I can not believe i have a child who is 10! It just doesn't seem right. 10 years! two digits now. I love love love this boy. i had no idea how much i could love until this day 10 years ago. a love that doesn't take effort it's just there from the moment, a + sign showed up on that test, till the time I heard you cry, till i saw your sweet little face, and saw those curious eyes to this new world you had entered. You were our world. just mommy, daddy, and you. it was a perfect little family. you were always a perfect baby, a fun toddler, and a sweet young boy. you started our perfect family, and have kept it that way since 4 others have entered. i know it's not just you, i know you deserve more time, but you never complain, happy with what you have, only knowing. i'm not ready for these double digits, as you grow, it's hard to realize that in just a few short years, i'll have a teenager, 10 has hit me hard, a realization that my kids will grow, under 10 it still feels like i will always be in control, of your life, your decisions, who you play with, where you go, even what you eat. but i know it's the time in your life to allow more independence, to allow more responsibities. to let you learn from real mistakes, and this isn't going to be easy. in the next years it's going to be what we've taught you put into actions, allowing you to hurt, and have joys. molding you into the man you are going to become. we haven't released you yet, for this is way to early, but we will have to let a string go, just maybe one, to the many that will come. but i know that you are about to enter into the time, when you become what you are going to be the rest of your life, the decisions that will effect the rest of your life. I just pray, we make you proud, that we let you go, but hold on tight. I am so proud to be your mom, God has given us a perfectly treasured gift in you. I love you more then you can ever know, I haved loved these last 10years, and can't wait for the next 10, but wish i could hold on to this age forever, perfect double digits 10 when i can fully say your mine, that you still need me, you still love everything about me, where i still make your life better. where i'm the only girl that has your sweet little God filled heart. i love you!

the old them.

Brennan's birthday is in 4 days, and what consumes me about this, is my parents. Will i add another check mark to them hurting me by completely forgetting or will i see an obligation they must fulfill. I don't know which one hurts more. I know it's not their child, and i try to convinse myself that it's fine , after all i did it with out my grandparents being in the picture, but then i look at Brennan's face, and wonder how they could not want a real relationship with this amazing boy. How they don't miss us, or me? How they can live their lives not wondering, or caring about these beautiful kids, God has given me. How do i explain to my kids, again, that they are just busy, when my kids miss their Mi Mi and Pa Pa. I miss them, the old them.

my eyes.

Believe it or not, you can see each of my kids personalities in the above picture. i was just staring at it, and thought how weird i can tell all of this, from behind. i guess only a mother would really know this, and how grateful i am to be called that.

I was getting down on myself, for so many reason's about being a mom, i'm kinda hard on myself, here's how hard. i never dream about my kids, once in a while i will. those rare scary dreams that you can't find your kid, or they fell into the murky river. (i'm not saying this is normal) but i thought i hadn't thought about them enough that is why i didn't dreamt of them.

I really think something more is going on with me, i get discouraged about the littlest things, my faith can be shaken so easily, and i doubt like never before. it's not a good thing, it's a real thing. I get down on myself and it's hard to pick back up again.

I guess somethings about ready to change, and it's going to go one way or the other. or maybe to the next level, which would be great...since i feel i've been stuck here for a long time. i guess i'm just a little scared because i want to stop with the circle's.

o.k. now that i got off track a little bit, i'll bring myself back, to the picture, with all that doubt, with all those feelings, today I realized this all is not true, the lies about myself. Not dreaming about your children does not make you a bad mother! it was like i saw the truth in that picture. I saw what i know.

I see my husband, carring our bags, leading our family. holding the hand of those who need the help right now at this moment. then there is Brennan, independent, but careful. i love his arm back like that, it's a bit of waryness they he seems to always have. Leighton is determined in her walk, yet there something soft and sweet. Hayden is off back a little bit, from the group. Doing things his own way, and being his own little guy. Oh Cohen, look at you, i see your goofiness in your walk and the way you turned. even in his walk he's full of character. then ashlyn, holding daddy's hands still a little unsure of new things, but yet so interested. consintrating on the things around you.

I know who i am! I know that i don't have the answers, but i know being a mom, I know my kids, i'm not going to let stupid stuff get me down, or be so hard on myself, and find excuses to fail. i know who i am!

simple. perfect.

Simple, is all i need. just a hug in the morning. a kiss at night from the perfect someone. a giggle that can make my eyes water on command. a tiny voice that say's "give me tiss" (two year old kiss), a kids joke that makes no sense, but they laugh uncontrollably. a new discovery found only footprints away. a "watch this mommy" a hundred times a day. an i love you babe. is what my perfect simple life is, and i love it. And if I haven't seen You in it, if I can't heard You in it, i'm sorry. Because all that i am, and all that I have are because of You, and all that You do, and have done, to make this perfect simple life i live.

Thank You.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
Dr. Seuss

I stumbled upon this quote today, and i loved it. i love how many hidden meanings can be in one quote. how much truth is spoken in such simple words. how things can be hard to let go, or how we want times back. and sometimes we as people get caught up in those moments, that sadness comes because there over, instead of happiness and joy because they happened. how blessed and lucky we are to have gotten to experience, such moments, that our inner most beings crave to have them back. that's the good life, to smile because it happened!

please pray.

here is where my heart is right now. with him, and his poor skin. i don't know what else to do, i've been doing all that i can, all that i'm suppose to. so i'm here today, asking please pray, if you know me then you know, this isn't easy to watch. if you don't, if you happen to stumble across this, i'm hoping for a reason, so you too, can pray. ask others to pray, i'm believing the time is coming for Cohen to get better. please take this time, to utter Cohen's name, to the Healer, the Comforter, to God. these pics will just be a reminder, of this time, because this will no longer have a hold on my son, i'm believing for this to be broken, please believe with me. These days of Cohen sitting around, scratching and tearing his skin up, not playing because he can't walk, not swimming like a normal kid because it burns, are going to be behind us. please stand with me, in prayer, and believing this is no longer a part of his life. please ask others to pray too.

stretched...

I was having a bad day today, feeling stretched to the limits! how much more can i do, or asked to do...but yet i do it. i'm struggling with always giving, and then everyone taking...i know i'm wrong, so this is what i did, i put on music and decided to get over it, to live, to enjoy what i have, and what i have been given. to stop feeling "sorry" for myself, and feel happy for myself. so i watched my kids, gather in the living room, and they danced my cares away! I guess i just have to focus on what i have, and what i have been given, to understand, that this is what God wants us to be, a giver, and as freely as He gives, and is taken from, I guess i should do the same...here's some pics of what took my cares away.i guess it's just what i needed, to stop, and watch the greatest things i have been given, to realize how good i really have it. ( and yes Ashlyn colored on herself once again..uhh more work for me..haha)

a kid is always good for a laugh..or reality

it's always good to laugh at yourself, it just makes life a little easier. i was cleaning yesterday, yes i cleaned today also, but Hayden asked when i was cleaning, "is someone coming over?" i just laughed is this what my kids think of me, that the only reason i clean is if someone's coming over, or do they just know me that well? it's true however that i mostly clean when someone is coming over, but also true that someone is usually coming over! so there Hayden! for the most part, i think my kid is pretty observant, but i think i'll encourage him to observe other things from now on.

2000

2000 is just a number. You are not constricted to numbers. it's a number that is written on a piece of paper. I see it as an obstacle, You see it come to pass. I can't see how, You see it done. This number represents so many possibilities, but it's also a number that is holding me back. You don't see the number, You see the many possibilities, nothing can hold You back.
I've decided to see through Your eyes, to see it done, to see it come to pass. I've decided not to let these numbers hold me back, but to see the possibilities, become reality.

Yes I trust in You.

catch up time

so since this summer seems to be flying by.. i thought i would do a little catch up. it started with many lake trips, but it seems that fathers day marked the craziness we call this summer.
to my awesome trip to milwaukee to see an old friend, and amazing photographer, that i got to take with my sister n law, Sarah, see us on the bed, we were so excited like 2 highschool girls we ran around the room, in amazement that a mother of 5 and a mother of 3 got to get away for a few days.


we have spent a lot of time at the pool, where i have learned how brave some of my kids have become this summer. i needed to work on my tan also for an upcoming event...a little thing called my sisters wedding.
but to add to the craziness Leighton also the mini bride, got poison ivy all over her body, but a trip to the doctor just to insure that our little princess would be beautiful on the day..i mean after all she is the most important person after the bride.

then before we knew it, it was 4th of July. we spent it at Grandmas, hanging out and letting the kids shoot fireworks, yes it was mayhem! ( i think that's how it's spelled)
to a birthday party also at Grandma's the next day...for Cohen

then before we knew it, it was the dinner rehearsal, that yes my daughter did walk down and do it perfectly, why she didn't do this on the day, i will never know, but at least i got this picture
then the real birthday day, July 10th, we had icecream cake, and boy was it good! i can't believe he is 4!!! and that just leaves us one more day till the big event...

Michelle wedding day! the most beautiful amazing day. she looked beautiful and Ryan was cuter than ever, it was so much fun and I am so happy for them.

and life is back to normal...for now, where Dora makes a great babysitter,

and just hanging out is what we love to do.

so that is where we are today, but there is still so much more to come, playdates, family camp, and the beginning of school. but for now at least were all caught up.

enough to get by

i don't want to do anything, i think from going and going i just want to do nothing. it's pretty bad when 3 of my kids say they are out of underwear! but hey i've got that load in the laundry now. summer really has a hold on me, the laziness part anyway. i feel i'm just in survival mode. clean the dishes so we have something to eat on, do the laundry so we have something to wear, yell at the kids so they will listen for the next 5 minutes. but where is my structure, i lost it the minute school let out. i'm not a yeller, i mean i can be, but not like this. my kids at least have had underware, because i buy them like 50 pairs because i know me, and laundry and me are not the best of friends, but to run out of those 50 underwears, this is not me. come on. i know i'm here, i've even asked myself is it because i don't have a baby, i mean with a baby you have to be scheduled, feedings, nappings, playtime, but as these kids get bigger they get more independent, and i'm finding that my daily routines don't matter so much, but my house is falling apart, yet i don't seem to care, only usually when i have people coming over, which might explain why we haven't had friends over in so long! i want to spend time with my kids, but i don't think they want to spend time with me, they want each other! or friends, they use to need me to entertain them, even Ashlyn has started requesting Leighton. but a little bit of me doesn't mind, i mean i've been doing this baby thing for 10 years now, not a break inbetween, i think it's o.k to let go a little bit, don't get me wrong, i'm never letting go! but i would be totally fine if my kids wanted to take over everything i hated, the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning, i could just do the rest. the rewarding stuff. so maybe i'm in another world right now, in crazy world!, but soon i'm going to step back into my place, slowly, i'll catch up, maybe it won't be till that bus comes and picks up a few, but it'll happen. i mean you have to have clean underware to go to school!

not today

I want to write about something uplifting and good, but not today. I want to tell you how strong my faith is, but not today. what i want to do and what i am, are not the same. it's a hard state of mind t be in, wanting and being. not lining up. when you watch your own child in pain, when you see that he won't even walk, because his own skin is failing him, it takes you away from what you want to be to what you are. i've cried out to God, as i cry when these words, these truths of myself, come out. i've asked Him to heal, to help...and i wonder does He hear? everything inside of me tells me He does, I know that i know that He cares, but where is the rest? Where is my Healer? what am i doing wrong, I'm getting no where with doctors, they just make me feel i'm doing all these wrong, everyone has an opinion, and none line up. I don't want to be incharge of this, Do you remember Lord when I gave him back to you, that tiny baby at church, He's yours all yours, i don't understand, Why? I hear lies that i'm taking the easy way out, that believing for a miricle is the easy way, then i won't have to do all that i do for my little guy. but i just Believed that a miricle isn't the easy way out, it's the only way out. but today i'm crying out again, for all to see me weak, i don't care, i need You, I need Your help, I need You to show up. please. please i've gave him back to You, to care for him, to see over him, i know i can't do this with out You.

just think

im so thankful for His word, sometime i just need a reminder. i read these words last night, and prayed that they would sink in and become real to me, everyday of the rest of my life.

Just think- you don't need anything, you've got it all.

wow, i do, i must trust that this is true. i've got it all! i don't need a thing, His word tells me this.
I have everything through Him and by Him.

All God's gifts are right in front of you, as you wait expectantly for the Master
Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale.

All God's gifts are right here in front of me, for me! and then i don't know about you, but i got a little excited about waiting for the Finale. but to know that all of God's gifts are for me. i had to read on

And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you
steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus.

I needed this reminder that God is right alongside of me. helping me, i'm not alone, i don't have to do it alone, He has the tools i need, his gifts, his words, his truths.

God, who got you started on this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that.

1 cor.1:7-9 (message bible)

God did start me on this journey, so therefore i am here for a reason, a purpose. He will never give up on me, even though the lies around me tell meother wise. He must have known about the lies, because he says Never forget that. i'm so thankful He knows me that well, to put in His word never forget it. know the truth. He helps us stay on track, and He never gives up on us. we have all we need, we have Him, the real living God. I don't know about you, but this got me a little excited today. sometimes i just need to think, and be reminded.

what would you do if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me?

before

I can picture my home here, i can just see the house we have in mind. the other day when i was outside walking, i stopped and dreamed. this is the land we want to build on. so i stopped in that peaceful moment, and i saw my house. i saw my perfect windows, i saw my kids running in their yard. i saw my living room, and my kitchen, i saw it all. my perfect home. it's still in the dream state, still only in my hopes. i prayed to hear your voice in that moment, as i walked on the land i'd hope to be mine. i prayed to see, but i just had peace. i had hope, i dreamed. and right now that's enough for me. i trust that it's all yours, it's in your hands. no matter what. i believe that one day this picture will be filled with my house, as the after picture, in a before and after. but right now this is just the before, before my dreams were full filled, before..only You were at work. because You are always in the before's. and for right now, i'm happy knowing that you came in before to make a way, you stood before me, you know before, i ever even dreamed. before i was born, you knew me. and so i stand here today rejoicing in the before. knowing that it's You.

fathers day

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
~Clarence Budington Kelland

"The most important thing a father can do
for his children is to love their mother."

I read these quotes and i thought of you. i love that you live what you say. you are who you are. you make mistakes, and you own up to them, but always making them right before me and your kids. you show how to be a man, a hardworking, loving man. you show God to our children, in a real loving way. you amaze me, how much you love each of our kids in their own way. i watch you with Brennan, and i see this amazing bond, a friendship, a father-son relationship. He looks up to you so much, wants to make you proud, loves hanging out with you. I see the beginnings of an amazing, real bond that is so strong. When i see you with Leighton, words do not come, i think only tears, usually peak there way out. You love her so much, and wow how much she loves you. she said she would marry you, if she could. she says she's going to find a boy just like her daddy. she loves to cook, and play with you. i love seeing her crawl up on your lap, and cuddle with you. you are all she needs right now. Hayden has really turned into a daddy's boy, wanting to wrestle, and defeat you at any chance he can get. I think your his favorite playmate right now. i love watching your newfound friendship fall into place, of father and son, having the best time. Cohen is in awe of his daddy, he takes his shirt off, and says "now i'm like daddy" He wants to do things the way you do them, i always say he's all yours. his smile to his personality, thank God you understand him. He really thinks your the coolest. I know right now Ashlyn is turning into a mamma's girl, but when she is with you, you two have the sweetest moments, the way she grabs you and hugs you. the way she loves to play with you, i'm afraid our girls have stolen your heart.
i am so blessed, to have a man like you. you love me, more than i deserve, you love our kids with everything you have. you work hard for us, you put us before you. i love you so much, thank you for taking care of our little family, of supporting us in everyway you know how. thank you for serving God, and teaching you kids who God really is, a gentle loving father. i love that you represent Him in so many ways. our kids are so blessed to have a father like you, and i am so greatful to have a husband like you.
I hope you have the greatest fathers day, i love you, more than these words could ever explain.

perfectly

I am amazed how He never fails, how He knows when to show Himself at that perfect moment. I feel so blessed, so amazed, so un-worthy of all He has and is still giving. How perfect His timing is, when we can't see it coming.
If i haven't said it, I'm saying it LOUD now. Thank you Lord, for all that you do, all that you are doing, and all that is to come. thank you for opening those doors, when we thought there was no hope. thank you for perfect encounters, and your peace always.
I'm here not really knowing what tomorrow will bring, but fully knowing that it doesn't matter, because i serve a bigger God than tomorrow. I know that what ever i gain, or what ever i lose, is just the wind, it's here one minute, and is gone the next. it's not about here, it's about where He is leading. Where He is waiting. in perfect time. the only way He works. perfectly.

craziness of summer

im off to the lake again, here we go. the craziness of summer. i feel my days have been of unpacking to repacking. it's time for family though, to spend time, slow down, even though it feels like it's sped up. it's time to enjoy those moments, i love so much. this time i get to go with benji, i hope we have a few moments together, to dream and talk. i hope i get to catch those special times on camera, but if not i know they will be in my heart. this is what summers is about, my family, it's my time. it's what i've been preparing for, and dreaming about. i just feel so blessed, even when things are so unsure, God is still bigger, and still blessing us, every second, every moment. here's to summer and all it's craziness.

no-longer deleted

i deleted my old blog awhile ago, why i really deleted it i will never know, yes i felt He asked me to set it aside, but why i deleted it, i don't fully understand, sometimes i can't seem to figure myself out. but today as i was changing some settings on my new blog dashboard, i noticed, number of blogs..2 and i clicked on it, and it said undelete this blog. so i did, i'm no longer going to add to this blog, but at least i still have my words, my moments, it was like finding an old diary. it was like i was no-longer deleted, as i've felt over the last few weeks, or longer. i found myself in my words. yes i stopped writing for a time, out of obedience, from Him, but i feel like He just gave me a gift back. I feel like Abraham when God had asked him to kill his only son, then after obedience, asked him to kill a lamb instead, leaving Abraham with his son. So it may not have been my son, thank you Jesus, for this, but God still knows what we enjoy, and love, and He cares about the little things.
this is something i have been asking Him, do you really care, for little old me, in my little ol life, and today, loud and clear, i believe He spoke yes. I feel like somewhere in my journey, i lost myself, as if i deleted who i really was, but i feel He undeleted me. He let me see, I deleted who i was, but He has the power to bring me back, He never removes himself, never leaves, and cares about all of me.
and i am forever thankful.

my old blog..for anyone who cares..is benjiandkeri.blogspot.com

M.I.A.

i went down to the lake and told no-one i was going. and i joked that i was M.I.A. (missing in action), but truthfully that is how i feel. like i've gone missing, removed from this picture. day by day life goes on, faster the days pass me by. and as they go, i feel i've gone missing. the only me i've ever know. maybe because someway, i feel i'm moving all alone. gone a head, while others go where i've already been. i'm not that girl waiting to meet that special man, that new bride to be, waiting to start that new family, the new wife, i'm not that new mother, those days are behind me. but i know i'm where i need to be. i tend to absorb those around me, and i find comfort in that. sharing the same moments, living the same life. knowing they know what i'm feeling. but today, it's just me. trying to figure out these new feelings, these new dreams, i trust that God perfectly placed me here, so there's no other influence, just me and Him. so i can hear more clearly to what He's saying, what He's doing, and what He's preparing. honestly it's a new feeling, it's a little scary at times, i feel lost, yet so safe. Because for once i'm not in control, i don't know where i'm going, but i have complete peace. M.I.A. isn't so bad when i know He's taking over.

two.

I can't believe you are two, i have way to many emotions to even really write this. so instead i'll just share my favorite pics, the one's that capture you since i met you two years ago. and each day since as been a gift. i love you, you really are a dream come true, and one of my greatest blessings.

Ashlyn Grace
dream. blessing.

our little baby

1 year oldso biglittle monkeyfull of character

Happy 2nd birthday