an unknown question, with a clear answer

hey open heart, where are you? i feel as though i can't figure out what my own heart wants right now, like my feelings are off, it's weird nothings bugging me, nothings making me unhappy, yet there is this longing, this constant, unhappieness so to say, that i need more, that i'm not doing all that i should be, but there is no answer, no heart crying out, longing for that something. instead i sit here a little confused, wondering did i shut myself off, did i train this heart to block somethings, and now i can't hear it all? am i so busy right now that i'm missing the clearest signs? I have no answers, and yet no questions that could directly lead me to finding the answers, just here, living this week, day in and day out, not feeling fulfilled, not feeling complete, or having the drive to get anywhere. Just a question of where do i go from here? Why my heart doesn't feel open, or filled, but instead borded up, with a lock on it, yet I don't understand how that board, or lock might have gotten there. I'm in a strange place, a place where I don't even understand me. Somethings not right, and I think that something is a someone...me, and there is only One who will answer, Who know's me better then myself, and i think it's time, I can't remove this, only He can, now it's just the time i let Him, time to let go, allow Him to show me what i'm holding on to, what it is that is blocking my way, I can't see, but He does, It's time to look through His eyes not my own, I have failed me, but He will not. The answer is Him, no matter what the question is, How will I make it today, by Him, How will this bill get paid, by Him, How will I forgive, by Him, How will i let go, by Him, no matter what the question is even the ones we don't know what we"re asking, everything is though Him and by Him.

dear husband,

if i could take the weight you carry i would. if i could fix things and make them so easy i would. i see how hard you work, and how hard you want to work. i see that things are tough because of others decisions, and how you honor them and do right, even when they do wrong by you. i'm praying for you, for a door to open, for a gift from Him. i know He has great plans for you, i know this isn't all. I know He has always taken care of us, and that is why you keep going, knowing that He always provides. we have never gone with out, just as we have all that we need now, but i'm believing for more, so the stress isn't there, so the wondering if we'll get by tomorrow will go away. i believe in you, by and through Him. you are His, and so i don't worry, knowing that He is in control. i know how much you want to give to us, how much more you wish you could give, but know that you are enough for me, forever and always. our family is perfect, everything i have, is because of you, i know i'm always wanting more, and wishing i could have all these things, but they are nothing with out you, it's you, i love, it's who you are, your love that you give, no-one loves me, or see's me the way you do. i love our life, that you have provided us. thank you for all that you do, thank you for all that you are, and thank you for being a better man then i ever dreamed of. who would have thought two 15 year olds, would have come this far, and this strong. we have so much to be thankful for, and right now that's all i am, thankful for you.

just a bubble on the road

sometimes i get in my own bubble, a comfortable spot, for awhile. a place where i hide, just to be whoever i want to be. no-one to see me, no-one to judge me. and for a little bit i like it, i like being able to control my thoughts, to allow myself to feel anything i please. to focus on what i'm doing at the moment, i get lost, and i forget, but at some point loneliness comes back, and finds it's way back in. and i begin to wonder, is it worth it? it never is. i guess we're created to be together. to share in all lives experience, the good, the great, the bad, and the ugly. i can share the good, and it's so easy to share the great, the bad is do-able, but the ugly, i keep it all mine. even though it's the one that i would love to pass, to get rid of, to never see again. but all is apart, of this life i live. so here i've been in this bubble, enjoying up to this point, but i guess it's time to pop, time to move, time to release. somewhere along this road i've been traveling, i picked up new pieces, and i've let old ones go, i've picked up some new wonderful things, some unexpected, and some that i shouldn't have, i've let go of things holding me back, some that i wish i could find again, and some i have no idea when they left. i need to go back, pick up those things i shouldn't have lost of myself, and trade them in for the pieces, i shouldn't have exchanged with. but you can't go back, i can't redo. i just have to hope somewhere along this road, i can keep moving, get outside of this bubble, and i can let go again, and pick up greater things. i have to hope that my roads cross with the ones i love the most, and that at points i'll allow them to walk with me, and at others, i'm strong enough to walk alone. i just need courage, to release, to be free. to be who i was truly designed to be. to feel, alive, and apart. to just be a free, open hearted, person along this road that is only my own, in this life that was molded at these moments, just for me. but my feet are stopped, i can't seem to move. maybe tomorrow.....

Im (not) doing my best

last night i was thinking about Hayden, being the middle child, often content, the kid that gets in the least trouble, the kid that can go unnoticed for a day. i started thinking, how he's the true middle child, doesn't need a lot of attention, because the other kids seem to get it all. Brennan being the oldest, gets the most responsibility, often getting the most praise in the family for being a good big brother, a good student, a leader. Leighton, being the second, but first girl, tends to be my side kick, and our little mother hen. She loves to cook with daddy, and help out with her little sister and brothers. plus with difficulty in school in the past, gets lots of praise now that she's doing so good. Cohen with all his medical/skin/allergy problems takes up a lot of our time, conversations, and prayers. Ashlyn being the baby, usually has everyone's full attention, and if she doesn't she will find a way to steal it, by being a typical 2 year old in all ways. So i was thinking about Hayden how he get the butt end so to say, I don't think i've written about him in a blog, i know he prefers to play with his brother and sisters, just content with being in the family. i thought, man i'm not doing my job right trying to make sure he know's he has his place, but then i started making excuses, he the one that doesn't care, he's the one that needs me the less, he's the one that wants to play and doesn't care if he has are undevided attention, he likes just being here. that led me to think i have 5 kids, i can only do so much, i'm doing my best, but as soon as i uttered those words, i knew how wrong i was, i got convicted right there on the spot, as if God heard those words (which i'm pretty sure he did) and said "really your best?" The week came flooding back, was i my best when i lost my patients with Leighton, was i the best when i yelled at my kids, was i my best when i didn't give Brennan the chance to explain, was i my best when i got frustrated with Cohen about screaming in the bath, and the only reason why he screamed was because he says his skin burns him. was i my best when ashlyn was throwing that tantrom? and of course am i best right now, because Hayden's not sticking out in my mind at all, about the past week, except him playing video games, and playing with his sisters/brother, or fighting with Cohen, but that puts more attention on Cohen them himself. No i haven't been giving this life my best, and don't the kids deserve the best of me. doesn't my husband deserve the best of me. "i'm doing my best" is an excuse to not face the reality of who I am. it's a poor excuse, God only gives us what we can handle, and didn't he give me 5 kids?, a husband?, a family?, friends?, so i'm more then capable of giving my best to all of them. I had to say i'm sorry, sorry for not doing my best, for not asking for His help to be my best, the problem, i was doing my best, but with out Him, on my own, and that is a dangerous place to be at. I can only be my best, with Him guiding and leading, helping, and encouraging. Living the way He has shown. I can only say I'm doing my best, when He is apart, when i allow Him to have control over my emotions, my actions, my thoughts. When i give Him me as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and surrender complete control and say "do as you want with me, make me your best" I don't want to be my best, it has to be His best. So i know as a middle child myself, i can say that one day Hayden will notice that the others outshined him, that he may with hold his own feelings, for the sake of others, and often feel alone, desserted, and forgotten about, due to that fact that i as a mother, just think he's the easy child, that he's o.k., that he can handle things better, because he's the strong one in the family. My mom always told me it's not that i don't care about you, i'm proud of you, your stronger then the rest, it's just that your sister needs me more. I wish she only knew how wrong that statement was, i saw that my sister needed her, but i also saw a lonely heart in myself, watching my mothers attention go to someone else, when i needed it to, maybe not in the way she was giving it to her, but in a way that's all my own. which is why i think i found the love of my life at such a young age, because i needed someone to set me apart, to love just me the way i longed for. but here i am today doing the same to my own kid, but luckily, He let me see, Hayden needs me in his own way, just as the other kids need me. thankfully He let me see i'm not my best, but with Him i can be. i'm more than sorry, for my behavior this past week, and from as far back as i can remember, i fell short, but He's picking me up, letting me see that I'm not doing my best, but today is a new day, the light was turned on and i can see, i'm seeing with new eyes, and hopefully I can stand before Him, in full confidence that I am doing my best.

hands

i've always wanted to get my kids handprints and use them as art around my house, it is way to hard to get a two year olds hand print, what was i thinking. i thought about scratching the whole thing, and starting over, but hey i got 4 out of 5 pretty good hands, and doesn't that 2 year old handprint represent a 2 year old. so for know, this project i got myself into on this lazy, boring, Saturday will just have to do, i know one day, i'll wish these tiny hands were the ones that i sill held. so i think i'm going to keep it just the way it is, just the way my life is, the truth, with a messy two year old filling our house, just perfectly her. each handprint perfect on it's own. my kids.

school here we come!

Leighton came home from school yesterday with an application to become an "Ambassador of Character" which means she is saying she is going to set herself apart from the other kids, and set a good example on how to behave, having a positive attitude, and to be someone to look up to. She has to get nominated by 3 adults at her school, which she says she knows the 3. I know the three too, and trust me she'll have no problem getting nominated. I am so proud of her that she wants to set herself apart, make right choices, and set examples to other kids. Isn't that what we've been instilling in her? Another part of the questioner is who do you admire, and why do you admire this person, she choose me. my heart just melted! i know it's easy at this age to choose a parent, but she said she choose me because i set lots of good examples for her. I am just so blessed to have such a sweet daughter, God really does give you the best!

I always said, if your going to put your kids in school, any school, as a parent we should be involved. We'll I has signed up to be head room mother in Hayden's class this year, but put only if no-one else wanted to sign up. I got a phone call last night that someone else did sign up, but that the teacher has requested me, writing "yes, love her, she's great" on the paper, so they wanted to offer it to me first. I sat there on the phone dumbfounded that the teacher would write that, it touched me so much. She was Brennan's kindergarten teacher, so we do know each other, but only through class parties, and parent teacher meetings, but that from this she wrote those words.

I guess the whole reason for me writing this blog was to say, how much we can and do impact people's lives. How there is always opportunities, to show God to people, even when they might not know it's Him your showing. but by living the life by example, it causes people to know that you are set apart. I know that Leighton and I are going to make a difference in this school. I know Brennan and Hayden will too. And it causes people to ask, what are they doing right. people ask me all the time, how i have such sweet kids, we'll the credit goes to Him, he made them, and has given me the right words, and tools on so many occasions to be a good parent, and when i have fallen short He has forgiven me, and helped me use my own life to show my kids, how we fall short, but He always loves and forgives.

So watch out school here we come, determined to make a difference in anyway we can. We come to show His love, by loving and excepting His people just the way they are, not running from them, to shield are kids, but to be where He has placed us, in your lives, hoping we make connections, and reveal His love by these connections.