I searched again for my ring today, it started to really get to me again. but just like the times before i sit here empty handed. I don't know if 3 or 4 years into marriage I would have been this bothered, my ring is small and unique, over years of being married i saw girls with bigger dimonds, flashier sets, but it was perfectly my ring. Over the past years I really started to love that ring, i loved the history behind it. the 11 years on my finger. the 17 year old boy who went and picked it out all by his self, no credit, he worked hard, and paid cash for it, and paid a lot for it at the time. I use to wish that he would surprise me with a bigger ring, or joke that when we had our 10 year anniversary it was time for an upgrade, but when our 10 year rolled around that was not even on my mind, I loved the ring just the way it was, I loved to show it, and say can you believe we were so young, the story behind the ring, the engagement, was what I saw and shared when others got engaged, I shared with so much pride so much love for Benji. And today, i just wish i could find it. I know it's just a ring, and the memories and the stories are still there, but i feel naked with out my ring, i feel a loss. I keep hoping Ashlyn will tell me where it is, I often ask that little 2 year old, "where's mommies ring?" she never answers, or says, "i don't know", i keep hoping it will just show up, or if i shake my covers out one more time it will be there, or if i go through my drawers again i just may have overlooked. i cleaned out my junk drawer in the kitchen today, in hopes it would show up, i looked under kids beds, and in play purses, i searched in old coats, and in my glove box, my camera bag, behind my computer, in my couch cushions, but today, after searching again, i feel it's really gone, gone for good. do I really have to let go????

release

i had already released you, and have been wondering why i feel this hold on me, why the emotions are rising up so strong, and grasping a hold of me so tight. i let go so long ago, after a conversation that i knew i could no longer hold on to expectations i had for you, so i released my childs grandmother, i let go of what i had thought you should be, and allowed you to be who you were, and it worked, when you did something i was surprised, and my heart was touched. I was no longer mad when a week went by, sometimes a month, a birthday call missed, because i no longer had expectations, i wasn't in control, of who you should be. i wasn't angry, i just had hope, i let go. but today, is harder, i find myself confused, and honestly a little angry, i've been silent, i've been waiting, and i've realized, i'm holding on, and it's time to let go, of expectations, but i never thought i would have to release a mother, to let go of that part of you, and it hurts because if i let go, it feels i'm losing you, or an idea of what i want you to be. if i let go will i be surprised again, or will i be hurt from more time lost between us? it's easier to let go of my child's grandmother, because they don't know, they don't know what they are missing, but to let go of my mother, to release and let you be who you are now, and not what i've held on to, who you use to be. because I do know, I know that at one time, you were the one i looked to for the best advise, the one i would call when something exciting happen, the one i could cry to when something didn't go my way, so i feel i'm losing, but the truth is i lost so long ago. i'm not letting you go, i'd never do that, i'm releasing my idea's, my holds, my anger, my expectations. i'm hoping that God will restore, what i can not. i pray for you, i pray that if others read this, they wouldn't feel pity on me, they wouldn't judge my words, it's hard to write this, it's hard to be open, but it's where i'm at today. i hope that my kids will get to know you, the real you, the one God has truly made you, i hope that our mother daughter relationship would be something new, something only God can restore, but in order to do that i know i have to give it to Him, to release you, so i'm not holding you back, because if i let go, God can have full control. so right as this moment, as these words are ending, you have been

released, but not without tears

 

A child's imagination is such a treasured gift, there's so much joy and endless possibilities.

To be a kid again, where the sky is the only limit, life is so easy, and happiness is in all things.

 

reminding myself

each day, each moment is a gift

when my husband returns from work, safe, having a job, is a gift.

when my children wake up each morning healthy and alive, is a gift.

when i take a breath, and breath this air, safe, alive, is a gift.

the phone call saying i love you, is a gift.

the kiss, oh the sweet kiss from a two year old, for no other reason then to give, is a gift.

an i love you mommy, is a gift.

a child returning home from school, a gift.

a house covering my head, keeping us warm, a gift.

a friend, a sister, a family, a gift.

a kid sneaking up in my bed, reminding me to pray for him, a gift.

everything i have, has been given, everything i have, even down to the hairs on my head, a gift.

remembering today, that every little thing is a precious moment, a gift given.

the freedom, i enjoy, a gift.

A God, so loving, so giving, is my greatest gift of all, because with out Him, none of these gifts would be given, because He is the giver of all!

HIs words are better then mine

Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "You are my place of safety and protection You are my God I trust you" God will save you from hidden traps and from deadly diseases. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you can hide. His truth will be your shield and protection. You will not fear any danger by night or an arrow during the day. You will not be afraid of diseases that come in the dark or sickness that strikes at noon. At your side one thousand people may die, or even ten thousand right beside you, but you will not hurt. You will only watch and see the wicked punished. The Lord is your protection; you have made God Most High your place of safety. Nothing bad will happen to you; no disaster will come to your home. He has put his angels in charge of you to watch over you wherever you go. They will catch you in their hands so that you will not hit your foot on a rock. You will walk on lions and cobras; you will step on strong lions and snakes. The Lord says, "whoever loves me, i will save. I will protect those who know me. They will call to me, and I will answer them. I will rescue them and honor them. I will give them a long, full life, and they will see how I can save."

Psalms 91

just another day in paradise

I love you more for this!

parenting failure?

today i was sitting at the computer woriking on uploading pictures, i was actually working on the below post, when  Ashlyn (my two year old) started what I thought was combing my hair. this is not out of the norm, often while i sit and play or work on the computer she comes up behind me and makes me "oh so pretty" as she says, while she combs, pulls, and tugs on my hair. She insists that I "hold still". she's not gentle, but i don't mind, because it does feel good for the most part. we'll today she say's "i cutting mommy's hair" but i didn't think anything of it, becuase she often pretends to cut, while really just combing my hair, so i continued to be caught up in what i was doing. It felt a little different, like something was scrapping my hair, so i turned around to find she had kid scissor's in her hand, and sure enough my own hair lay behind me. I put my hand in my hair, and more little peices of my hair fell out, I actually just started to laugh, how could i miss that she was cutting my hair, how did i not know? yes i've heard of kids cutting thier siblings hair, but not their own mothers!!! luckily it was only a little bit, and I have a pretty choppy hair cut, she did get a talking to, but all I can do is laugh at my own failure parenting!

this is what i get right now everytime i take a picture of Cohen, my silly little crazy eyed boy! it makes for some great pictures i guess but it's not what you would call the picture perfect pose, but i guess right now it's his picture perfect pose, i bet when he get's older he will look back and laugh at these pictures, I know i will! this is my Cohen, and I love it!