the unknown

it's been a while since i wrote, and sometimes i wonder who i'm writing to? is it for me, to document my life, or do i write so maybe what i am going through will create a bond with another through my words. maybe it's both, maybe it's so i can get the thoughts that sit in my mind out on "paper" Honestly sometimes I hold back not knowing for sure who reads the words, but i'm tired of holding back so today I write....

I feel lost, there's something unknown in my life, I've lived for years knowing what was to happen next, a wedding, a baby, add 4 more...a job, a new profession, and today I sit wondering what exciting thing i have to look forward to. I've been stuck in those years, remembering them as the best days of my life, the day I walked down the isle, the day I held each of my kids in my arms for the first time, the excitement of new, and today I feel my feet are stuck, maybe I've left them planted in those years, and I have to trust that greater things are coming my way, i lay in my bed at night, with no dreams, no hoping for the next chapter of my life. I've always had a dream, something I've longed for, and lately I feel like the dreams have slipped away. or I've given up on some, or some feel as though they have been ripped away. You may read this and say "Keri you have so much, you have so many wonderful things ahead" trust me I've spoken it to myself, and then the guilt comes in forceful waves. then I get stuck in the guilt of it all, I missed out on enjoying today, because I'm trying to figure out my tomorrows, I've missed out on what's right in front of me, and I feel ashamed. So here I am, lost with guilt.

One of my biggest problems in life, is I understand God's mercy, His Love, His Gift for others, and I've seen them come to pass, but I don't understand it for myself. I understand that God loves you right where you are, but I don't always believe He loves me right where I am. Therefor I get lost, and I feel guilty that I know these things, but I haven't taken them upon myself. I could sit and tell anyone God's love for them, the wonderful plans He has for them, and many many times, I've seen Him prove that to them, I've seen them step into His Blessings, and that leaves me thinking God what about me?? I know the answer, it's I haven't fully believed, and then I feel ashamed. It's a pattern, and I want to break the pattern, what am I scared of? truth be told, maybe He won't show up for me, I'm comfortable at a distance so to say, because He's still Good in my eyes, I have all that I need, He's given me enough, But what if what I hope and dream for the "more" doesn't come to pass? will I lose? I'm not at all saying that what I'm writing is true, but it's the truth of where I am, I sit and look back at my words, and think wow keri you are stupid, YOU KNOW!! Go ahead trust, He Won't fail you, or I hear HIM saying, "Go ahead trust me, I will never fail you, let go, give over the control, let me show you, who I really am, let me be God" my first thought that comes to mind is "How God?, How do I hand over what I don't understand?" but in my spririt, I hear Him, "I know your heart better then you, I know your dreams, I've placed them there, I've given them to you, don't be afraid to lose what is not yours, but mine alone, I'm bigger then any dream you think, I'm faithful, I AM"

maybe this is why I wrote today, for break through, for God to speak, for truths to be admitted, for God to write, and take over... I'm lost Lord, but never Lost in YOU. I've listened to long to another voice, but today Your voice has pressed through, and a light is beginning to shine, in this heart I let go dark, today I feel new, I didn't know the words I was to write today, but I wrote what I felt, and today you took over, a much better way to live. I may not know what tomorrow brings, but I place it today in your hands, I want what you want for me, help me to plant my feet in your ways, and if I'm to stay placed anywhere, let it be with YOU. Today I write to you, though i didn't know at the beginning of this, I know now, help me live my life this way, to open up, to hand over, and to let you speak.