for my gifts, i call family

I sit in my house with the mixture of christmas music, and kids playing. does it get much better then this? I just feel so blessed, for so many reasons. a warm house that is filled with much more then decorations, much more then furniture, much more then the things we tend to think we need so much, that eventually just becomes stuff, and then we think of more stuff we need. I have so much more, then I ever could have imagined. I'm one lucky, blessed, loved girl, I guess being 31 maybe I should consider myself a women, but i like girl better. I still feel like a girl, just this girl is living a dream, no longer dreaming, like i used to, I'm not saying i don't still dream of that perfect house, on that acre of land, with all the perfect character i know it will be. but right now, i'm perfectly content in what i have. i have an amazing husband, he's my best friend, the love of my life, he's hardworking, real, and the most loving husband, and father. He's content in what he has, and happy with who he is, and i love him more for that. He's never jumped from idea to idea, we've been all he needs and he shows us that everyday, by working hard and providing for our every need. He doesn't need to get away, (like I often feel), he doesn't need other hobbies to escape to, i'm so lucky that I have a man, who is content being my husband, and a father. He doesn't have a fancy title, own a huge corporation, but I can tell you his kids think he's the best, he loves them in everything he does, he's not to proud to say sorry, he's not to manly to cuddle with his 11 year old son, and give kisses right on the mouth to his boys. He spends time with his kids, playing, laughing joking, being just what they need. I love him for it. I am blessed, I have amazing kids, yes at times, it's hard, overwhelming, emotionally draining, but those days are so little, compared to the great ones. The great ones let you get past those "hard" days. the joy in this house is strong, i have happy kids, i have loved kids, i have kids that are thoughtful, and caring, goofy, and silly, they are stubborn (like their father haha) they are beautiful in each their own way. 5 kids, some days i'm still shocked i have 5 kids, we're just us, a family. people ask me all the time, you have 5 kids, how do you do it, I'll let you in on a few of my secrets, first I never think of my kids being that "big" number 5, i think how truly blessed I am to have 5 kids, we live, we enjoy what God has given us. my house is never clean, just something i had to let go of so many many years ago, and honestly i don't care, we live in this house, it's not a showcase of stuff, it's filled with people who make messes, it's covered in toys, that says, yes we play here, we don't spend our time cleaning and making it presentable for others, (we're not dirty, we're just here). I don't live by a schedule, we have some in our lives, but it can be thrown out for any reason to give what ever is needed at the time, a cuddle on the couch, a story read, a game played, a dance party can happen at my house at any given moment, we stop, we take steps back, when needed, we live for what's in these walls, our family. right now that is where i am at, my family, the calling God has put on my life. the greatest gifts I could ever receive, so with Christmas coming up, and gifts are getting ready to be exchanged, God thank you for these 6 gifts, and so many more you have already given me, and thank you for being the greatest gift of all, with out you, I would have nothing.

reminding myself

I've been having these moments, where I feel like something bad is going to happen, fear gets in, and my thoughts take over. What if it's my Dad, pray for him, what if it's my sister, pray for her, what if it's Benji, or dear God don't let it be Benji, pray for him, what if something bad is happening at School today and my kids are hurt, oh God send your Angels, protect them, pray for them, What if I lose my friend, what if I'm sick, what if..., it's a scary feeling thinking about what could happen, or what pain I couldn't handle, or what loss could be, I got on my knee's and prayed the fear came so strong, and God reminded me once again, He's not in the What IF's, He's in the What IS. I can't let my mind wonder into what is not real, or what may not even happen, or is just a plain made up story stuck inside my own head, carrying my darkest fears. God works in the What is, He doesn't live in the what if's, He will carry me through what ever he puts in front of me, even if it might be pain, He will bless me, and he's watching over me, and I can't let myself lose sight of what is, on the what if's. I can't lose sleep thinking about what I can not change, what I think I won't be able to handle. God only gives us what we can handle, and not excepting what He's put in front of us, is an insult to His Character, of what He is trying to do for us and in us. Yes there are those very painful times that we don't understand, but I've always been able to look back and see the power of His goodness in that time. Even when I lost a baby, I see how God used those steps to strengthen me, to lead me, to give me, God works through everything, and He works in the What is. So I'm not going to waste time letting fear get in, no, I'm going to pray that when that fear comes in, God gives me peace, to know that He is right now. And I only have to trust in Him. He is bigger then I can see, and only He knows what tomorrow brings, so right now what is, is good, and I will thank and praise for what I know right now, and what is to come, no matter what, He is still good, and still in everything, I'm always believing for good, even during the trials, the pain, good always over comes. and that is what always will be.