at what ever cost

today brennan came home from a friends house, after spending the night and going to a birthday party, and something about him just wasn't right. so i asked him if everything was all right, he said yes. but something in me said there was something wrong. i asked again did something happen, he still said no, but he looked like he was going to cry. i persisted, brennan do you promise nothing is wrong, and he said yes. but still i knew something wasn't right, i know my child, maybe more so, God knew my child. so i stepped into him, grabbed his face with two hands, in a loving manner, and looked him in they eye, brennan if something is wrong, or you did something you can tell me anything. i promise i won't get mad, i love you, just tell me what is wrong. he broked down into tears and said, kids were making fun of him, my heart sank, he said and he stuck up for himself and called her names back. i know this isn't most people response, and maybe it wasn't right, but i said give me a high five, this stunned him. i said at what ever cost you stick up for yourself. see i believe that kids need to know it's o.k to stick up for themselves, to defend who they are, especially boys, they need to defend thier honor so to say(read wild at heart by John elderidge, not sure that's spelled right,and you may understand this a little more) then i asked him if he got into trouble, he said that an older girl came over, the kids cousin he had thought, and told him to stop, he tried to defend himself that she had been making fun of him too, but the girl had lied, and said she didn't say anything. i asked what was said, he said he couldn't remember. still crying at this point, and i almost was too, i told him that even though standing up for yourself is right, you can do it in a rightful way. by just saying i don't care what you say, or just leave me alone. I told him, if he hadn't made fun of her back, that he wouldn't have had to be corrected. that she couldn't have lied, and that we can make right choices with still standing up for ourselves. I told him that we choose to let people get to us, and if we choose to not let someone, we don't even know, bother us, they can't. but i also told him that it still hurts, words hurt. i went on to tell him when i was a kid, people made fun of me, and that people are going to mean, they are going to make fun, and we are going to get hurt, but that we can choose to do right, and try not letting them get to us. i told him a few stories about when i was a kid, and tried to relate to where he was at. I hugged him, told him how much i loved him, and that he can tell me anything no matter what, not to bottle things up, not to deal with things alone. i told him that no matter what he does, i will love him, no matter what, that he's going to make mistakes, he going to make wrong choices, but i know this, but we love him no matter what, we'll always love him, he can't do something to take that away, ever. after our conversation, we changed, he changed, he started talking to me, and hanging out with me. we played war (the card game) and i listened to his stories. i found out that he had made right choices while he was at his friends house, that this kids mother had told his friend (her child) to become more like brennan, i asked him why she said that, he told his friends they should help her carry things in, she was bringing in stuff from the car, and he had offered their services to help her. a few minutes later, he said he had gotten two dollars from his mom, for being honest. him and his friend were playing with a ball, and it knocked down some things from her shelves and broke, so he told his friend they needed to tell her what happened, she gave him the money for being honest. I don't know if this lady knows it, but i believe she showed God to my son, and when i get a chance i will thank her. I thank God for taking care of my son, when i am not around. using people to teach His love. how doing the right thing makes a difference. i thank God for putting that sence that something wasn't right, and allowing brennan to open up. i could have given up, but my kids are not worth given up on! i'm not sharing this to brag, after all i did give him a high five, but to share that our kids need us, they need us to pry, to question, to listen, to love no matter what. they need to know we are here to help and guide them.they need to know we relate to their lives, they need sucurity. they need to know it's o.k to make mistakes, that we don't expect them to be perfect, though sometimes our expectations tell them other wise. we need to pray, that God is always taking care of them, protecting, loving, rewarding. they need us.

how to get your kids to behave...

people ask me all the time, how my kids are so well behaved, we'll it helpes to have good reading material...





and when they aren't behaving, boot camp begins.

my perfectly two digit 10 year old.

I can not believe i have a child who is 10! It just doesn't seem right. 10 years! two digits now. I love love love this boy. i had no idea how much i could love until this day 10 years ago. a love that doesn't take effort it's just there from the moment, a + sign showed up on that test, till the time I heard you cry, till i saw your sweet little face, and saw those curious eyes to this new world you had entered. You were our world. just mommy, daddy, and you. it was a perfect little family. you were always a perfect baby, a fun toddler, and a sweet young boy. you started our perfect family, and have kept it that way since 4 others have entered. i know it's not just you, i know you deserve more time, but you never complain, happy with what you have, only knowing. i'm not ready for these double digits, as you grow, it's hard to realize that in just a few short years, i'll have a teenager, 10 has hit me hard, a realization that my kids will grow, under 10 it still feels like i will always be in control, of your life, your decisions, who you play with, where you go, even what you eat. but i know it's the time in your life to allow more independence, to allow more responsibities. to let you learn from real mistakes, and this isn't going to be easy. in the next years it's going to be what we've taught you put into actions, allowing you to hurt, and have joys. molding you into the man you are going to become. we haven't released you yet, for this is way to early, but we will have to let a string go, just maybe one, to the many that will come. but i know that you are about to enter into the time, when you become what you are going to be the rest of your life, the decisions that will effect the rest of your life. I just pray, we make you proud, that we let you go, but hold on tight. I am so proud to be your mom, God has given us a perfectly treasured gift in you. I love you more then you can ever know, I haved loved these last 10years, and can't wait for the next 10, but wish i could hold on to this age forever, perfect double digits 10 when i can fully say your mine, that you still need me, you still love everything about me, where i still make your life better. where i'm the only girl that has your sweet little God filled heart. i love you!

the old them.

Brennan's birthday is in 4 days, and what consumes me about this, is my parents. Will i add another check mark to them hurting me by completely forgetting or will i see an obligation they must fulfill. I don't know which one hurts more. I know it's not their child, and i try to convinse myself that it's fine , after all i did it with out my grandparents being in the picture, but then i look at Brennan's face, and wonder how they could not want a real relationship with this amazing boy. How they don't miss us, or me? How they can live their lives not wondering, or caring about these beautiful kids, God has given me. How do i explain to my kids, again, that they are just busy, when my kids miss their Mi Mi and Pa Pa. I miss them, the old them.

my eyes.

Believe it or not, you can see each of my kids personalities in the above picture. i was just staring at it, and thought how weird i can tell all of this, from behind. i guess only a mother would really know this, and how grateful i am to be called that.

I was getting down on myself, for so many reason's about being a mom, i'm kinda hard on myself, here's how hard. i never dream about my kids, once in a while i will. those rare scary dreams that you can't find your kid, or they fell into the murky river. (i'm not saying this is normal) but i thought i hadn't thought about them enough that is why i didn't dreamt of them.

I really think something more is going on with me, i get discouraged about the littlest things, my faith can be shaken so easily, and i doubt like never before. it's not a good thing, it's a real thing. I get down on myself and it's hard to pick back up again.

I guess somethings about ready to change, and it's going to go one way or the other. or maybe to the next level, which would be great...since i feel i've been stuck here for a long time. i guess i'm just a little scared because i want to stop with the circle's.

o.k. now that i got off track a little bit, i'll bring myself back, to the picture, with all that doubt, with all those feelings, today I realized this all is not true, the lies about myself. Not dreaming about your children does not make you a bad mother! it was like i saw the truth in that picture. I saw what i know.

I see my husband, carring our bags, leading our family. holding the hand of those who need the help right now at this moment. then there is Brennan, independent, but careful. i love his arm back like that, it's a bit of waryness they he seems to always have. Leighton is determined in her walk, yet there something soft and sweet. Hayden is off back a little bit, from the group. Doing things his own way, and being his own little guy. Oh Cohen, look at you, i see your goofiness in your walk and the way you turned. even in his walk he's full of character. then ashlyn, holding daddy's hands still a little unsure of new things, but yet so interested. consintrating on the things around you.

I know who i am! I know that i don't have the answers, but i know being a mom, I know my kids, i'm not going to let stupid stuff get me down, or be so hard on myself, and find excuses to fail. i know who i am!

simple. perfect.

Simple, is all i need. just a hug in the morning. a kiss at night from the perfect someone. a giggle that can make my eyes water on command. a tiny voice that say's "give me tiss" (two year old kiss), a kids joke that makes no sense, but they laugh uncontrollably. a new discovery found only footprints away. a "watch this mommy" a hundred times a day. an i love you babe. is what my perfect simple life is, and i love it. And if I haven't seen You in it, if I can't heard You in it, i'm sorry. Because all that i am, and all that I have are because of You, and all that You do, and have done, to make this perfect simple life i live.

Thank You.