Do you ever just have moments where you sit back and reevaluate your self, your life, and your dreams. I am right now, asking what's the point, who am I trying to please, why am i stretching myself so thin, will it full fill what I long for. In Ecclesiastes he writes what's the point you die, all the "stuff" is like chasing the wind, it's useless, you can't bring it with you, he says it's better to eat drink, work hard and be happy. It's not about the stuff, what title you hold, it's about being content with what you've been given, stop chasing more. So today I'm asking myself what is it that gives me the most joy, the most peace, the extra special beat in my heart. It's not my house, it's my loves (my husband and kids) that live with in.
I've come to realize, there's an enemy speaking in my ear saying you need more, you need more, this isn't enough, you need to make a name for yourself, you need to be successful, you need a bigger house, you need the finer things in life, you need people to look at you and see how great you have it, you need to be strong, and I believed I prayed for more, I begged for more, with out evening taking the time to thank MY GIVER for what I already have been given.
I was listening to the radio, and a brief statement caught my attention, it was about dreams, and how some times what we dream just doesn't happen, and how you have to let go, and grieve those dreams, to allow God to give us new dreams, His dreams. It hit me, I've held on so tight to things I've thought I needed that, I've left no option for the new ones to come my way. I've never felt so strongly in my life, that it's time to surrender, to let go, and to stop chasing the wind. It's time to grieve what I had thought I would have by now, but except that I don't need it. I have all that I need, and it's time to enjoy what I've been given. I'm ready for God to put new in my life, but if this is all He has to give me while I'm here on this earth, I pray I will be content with it. That I will live a life of thanks and of giving my self to who/what I have been blessed with. To help grow and encourage my kids, my husband, the people God has centered around me to see Him. So that we can have all that He wants for us.
I know God wants me to live a life full of blessings, but it has to be what He wants to bless me with, a blessing is not a want list that He fulfills, it's not a paycheck for the hard work I've done, an allowance for the tasks I've completed, the blessings I have are gifts that I haven't earned in any way, but he loves me more then I know, so He gives, to show me this unconditional love.
Today.
I'm choosing to see His love in all my blessings, from my husband,my kids, my family and friends, to the things I already have.
And I hope the next day and the next.....
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
denied
It's only 9 am, and already I've had tears, conviction, and complete surrender. God can do a lot, in a little time. But when your open, God is able to work, and I'm trying to live a life open to His will, letting go.
I have my new found quiet time between the time I send Brennan off to school, and wake the other kids up to get ready for school, and in this time I read my bible, and hope that God speaks or enlightens me in his word. Today wasn't easy, I was reading about when Peter Denied Jesus three times, and in many ways, I saw myself in Peter. I asked how many times in my life did I deny Jesus, maybe not so much flat out denying him, but something deep with in me felt the pain that I had on so many occasions denied Him. I read on, when Peter had denied him the third time, Jesus has met his eyes,
Luke 22 vs. 61 Then the Lord had turned once and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered what the Lord had said. vs62 Then Peter went outside and cried painfully
and face to face, it was then Peter realized the truth and went away and cried out in pain. That's where I sat today, like I met his eyes, and realized I have denied him too. Obviously not in the same way Peter, I've never been asked if I was one of Jesus followers, but when my actions haven't shown it, or even when my words haven't spoken it, in my own way I have denied Him. Thank God for His mercy. Thank God Jesus didn't throw in the towel, and say I can't do this Lord, even my closest friend Peter the one who walked with me, denied me, Thank God He was God!! And I'm sure when He met Peters eyes, they weren't a glare of I told you so, but of compassion and of Love, it was like I saw for the first time, the eyes of Love, eyes saying for You as well, I give my life. I think I saw, only Peters side, and I forgot to see the eyes of the One who gave everything up for me. For me these eyes met, saying "I already knew you would fail, I already know you're not perfect, I never expected you to be, but for you I carried the cross, and died. I love you this much." For so long I completely missed the message of Jesus telling his disciples that one of you will deny me 3 times, but today I see His love in telling them this. I see that we have to surrender it to Him, all to Him, because we will fail, and He knows this, and He still loves us no matter what. Today I'm not sitting here with excuses for my denial, or my sin. I'm crying in pain with the realization of my denial, just as Peter did, but I see the compassion of my Savior, I see his eyes. I've met Him today.
I have my new found quiet time between the time I send Brennan off to school, and wake the other kids up to get ready for school, and in this time I read my bible, and hope that God speaks or enlightens me in his word. Today wasn't easy, I was reading about when Peter Denied Jesus three times, and in many ways, I saw myself in Peter. I asked how many times in my life did I deny Jesus, maybe not so much flat out denying him, but something deep with in me felt the pain that I had on so many occasions denied Him. I read on, when Peter had denied him the third time, Jesus has met his eyes,
Luke 22 vs. 61 Then the Lord had turned once and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered what the Lord had said. vs62 Then Peter went outside and cried painfully
and face to face, it was then Peter realized the truth and went away and cried out in pain. That's where I sat today, like I met his eyes, and realized I have denied him too. Obviously not in the same way Peter, I've never been asked if I was one of Jesus followers, but when my actions haven't shown it, or even when my words haven't spoken it, in my own way I have denied Him. Thank God for His mercy. Thank God Jesus didn't throw in the towel, and say I can't do this Lord, even my closest friend Peter the one who walked with me, denied me, Thank God He was God!! And I'm sure when He met Peters eyes, they weren't a glare of I told you so, but of compassion and of Love, it was like I saw for the first time, the eyes of Love, eyes saying for You as well, I give my life. I think I saw, only Peters side, and I forgot to see the eyes of the One who gave everything up for me. For me these eyes met, saying "I already knew you would fail, I already know you're not perfect, I never expected you to be, but for you I carried the cross, and died. I love you this much." For so long I completely missed the message of Jesus telling his disciples that one of you will deny me 3 times, but today I see His love in telling them this. I see that we have to surrender it to Him, all to Him, because we will fail, and He knows this, and He still loves us no matter what. Today I'm not sitting here with excuses for my denial, or my sin. I'm crying in pain with the realization of my denial, just as Peter did, but I see the compassion of my Savior, I see his eyes. I've met Him today.
Friday, February 24, 2012
under exposed
wow it's been way to long! I kind of went missing from the blogger world, and there were so many times I wanted to write, but the words were locked inside.
A new day is today, HELLO?? maybe no one even will know I'm writing, because I've been missing for to long, but I'm jumping back in, one tiny word at a time. Let's rekindle our friendship my blogging world, let's not erase what was written before, but explore the new.
As a photographer, a big word in my world is exposure. A picture can be perfectly exposed, under exposed, or over exposed. to have the perfect picture you want to get the lighting just right, to see the details with in a picture, my exposure has to be right on. My heart is like a picture for to long it has been under exposed, I've hidden the details with in, though this blog title is an open heart, mine has not been. I haven't had my exposure right, and slowly I'm working on getting the lighting in it just right, and God is that light. With out going into to many details, because this would be the longest post. I'm here working it out, figuring it out, writing it out, to have that open, perfectly exposed heart. Day to Day I'm believing more light will get shed into it, and God will work on getting my heart the way the exposure is perfect to see the details, the picture with in my hearts story. I'm hoping to write more about this journey, my heart story, to share what i'm experiencing along the way. I want to share the real, the ugly, the beautiful, the raw, the grain, and so much more. Here I am, opening back up my heart, what the picture will look like in the end, Only God will know, but I'm standing before him, ready. I'm here writing, I'm taking those steps, and I'm believing.
I pray that what God reveals to me, as I write my words, God will reveal something to you as well. I'm ready to share my heart with you, opening your heart is a beautiful, powerful, amazing thing. Letting God expose is, is life changing.
A new day is today, HELLO?? maybe no one even will know I'm writing, because I've been missing for to long, but I'm jumping back in, one tiny word at a time. Let's rekindle our friendship my blogging world, let's not erase what was written before, but explore the new.
As a photographer, a big word in my world is exposure. A picture can be perfectly exposed, under exposed, or over exposed. to have the perfect picture you want to get the lighting just right, to see the details with in a picture, my exposure has to be right on. My heart is like a picture for to long it has been under exposed, I've hidden the details with in, though this blog title is an open heart, mine has not been. I haven't had my exposure right, and slowly I'm working on getting the lighting in it just right, and God is that light. With out going into to many details, because this would be the longest post. I'm here working it out, figuring it out, writing it out, to have that open, perfectly exposed heart. Day to Day I'm believing more light will get shed into it, and God will work on getting my heart the way the exposure is perfect to see the details, the picture with in my hearts story. I'm hoping to write more about this journey, my heart story, to share what i'm experiencing along the way. I want to share the real, the ugly, the beautiful, the raw, the grain, and so much more. Here I am, opening back up my heart, what the picture will look like in the end, Only God will know, but I'm standing before him, ready. I'm here writing, I'm taking those steps, and I'm believing.
I pray that what God reveals to me, as I write my words, God will reveal something to you as well. I'm ready to share my heart with you, opening your heart is a beautiful, powerful, amazing thing. Letting God expose is, is life changing.
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