trust

today i come hear because i trust.
that's simply it, even tho i see an area of concern
i know You are working it out.
new steps we are taking, into the unknown
but security You have provided, and i
trust all the bumps and kinks You have already
smoothed.

i know it's no longer our place to stay,
so with hope we walked on.
yes i look at my kids, and wonder
as soon as a question or a fear comes,
peace is here faster.

You have never failed us,
and i know you never will,
because i understand You can't
failing is not apart of who You are.

today i come to say who You are,
my miricle maker, my ultimate provider,
our security, our guider, our peace giver,
our hope, it is in You, and by You, that
all this will come to pass, so with no worries,
and only complete trust, I thank you, for what I
know You have already done!

only You know what is going on in my heart. only You can heal and make it better. open this heart, shut this mind, and speak. I'll take a whisper, i just need to hear You. let me see You today, let me know, that here You are, beside, in front, and in back of me. I know if I opened these stubborn eyes I could see, so today i'm asking to see even through these stubborn eyes. because I know You are greater, You are bigger, then anything I have in front of me. today I will see You.

to young to know?

 part 1

i've been contemplating  whether or not to write about this. Wondering who would judge me as a parent, or as a person, but the more i've thought about it, prayed about it, i believe i did the right thing. I can see now that God was preparing me and getting me ready for the biggest question a parent will answer. I am so thankful God is my life!

I was at the book store with Leighton and Hayden, a while back,  I would say at least 5 months ago, if not longer. I remember it was warm enough not to have jackets on, and we had just got done at the Library, and since I found nothing at the library, we decided to head to the christian book store next store. While in the bookstore i wanted to find a really good book, a novel, I love christian romance, but couldn't find anything that really caught my eye. I don't want mushy gushy, Oh golly, i'm perfect God loving women kind of books, I love the real, i make mistakes, God loves anyways, kind of books, and sometimes this is hard to find! Anyways Leighton hands me a book and says "mommy you should get this book", so I look at it, I see why she picks it out, a mother and daughter are on the beach twirling, and laughing, on the white and bluish cover. I read the title preparing your daughter for every woman's battle hmmm...i thought what battle? in little letters underneath the title it says creative conversations about Sexual and Emotional Integrity. I wanted to say Leighton you have no idea what this book is about, but it caught my interest. So I skimmed through it, and thought this is actually pretty good, it recommended that you should talk to your daughter about sex between the ages of 8-14, my daughter is 8. So needless to say I bought the book. Read it opened my eyes, and my heart again to God's design, but also to a very lost generation, of not just daughters, teenagers, but mothers, or parents.

I read the book, it is so good, shocking, eye opening, convicting, and helpful. but decided that Leighton wasn't ready for the talk, that I would wait until next year when she turned 9. even though I did have a basic conversation about her body, and how one day she would get a period, and that getting a period had to do with having babies. i never went into a lot of detail, at this point she still just thought God put the babies in there, and no-one else had anything to do with it. (which we all know God is the giver of life, so for right now this was fine for me)

The other night me and benji sat on the couch watching entertainment tonight, and a women had said that her father had sex with her, we didn't realize Leighton had walked into the room, she said "what's sex?" I did not want to tell her this way, especially after hearing it in the way she heard it, that a father had sex with his daughter, how could i even begin to explain to her that sex is a good God given gift, if the first time she asked me it was about sexual abuse? At first I told her, I will tell you another time, but she kept asking "what's sex?", she asked 3 times in a row, like a kid tends to do, "what's sex, what's sex, what's sex", then she says I know what it is, I said oh you do, what is it. She said "It's when a boy kisses a girls butt"  I told her that is not sex, but knew that I had to tell her, I looked at benji, and he said, "you have to tell her", I knew it was time, in fact at that very moment, I had realized her time was 5 months ago when I had bought the book, when I saw God leading me, and preparing me for this conversations with my daughter. I could have spared her from hearing what sex was from a 1st grader, I could have started the conversation right, and not trying to confuse her with trying to figure out how to explain it without the father having sex with his daughter. But like most parents, we think our kids are to young, and innocent, we believe sex is for when they get older, we are scared to ruin them. But are we ruining, or taking away innocents, by sharing God's perfect design, by His gift, His way. Isn't it the devil and the world that has ruined what God has meant to be beautiful.

I took Leighton upstairs to my bedroom, and explained from the basics of her body, to a mans body, then to sex, and how a baby is made. I explained to her, that God designed it so perfectly, that it's a good thing. She had a lot of questions, and i gave her all the honest answers. there are things said that I laugh at,(not at her or too her, just to myself) because of the innocence behind the question. It feels different knowing that she knows, but it hasn't changed her innocence, it hasn't taken away from who she is.

I started wondering if I had done the right thing, was she to young to know? What if I hadn't told her, I had asked God did I do the right thing? This is all that I know, I truly believe I did the right thing, What if I had told her, she wasn't old enough, or not right now, or I'll tell you when I'm ready, or when I think your ready. She may get her answer from someone else, or not feel like she could ever ask me agian, because how would she know when she's old enough? she may go and seek the answers for herself, and feel that she can never freely ask me anything again. I believe I opened up our relationship, I believe she got the God given facts, what God says, she learned that no-matter what, mommy and daddy are here for her, she can come to us about anything, and we'll give her those answers she wants. I believe this is the first steps of having a real relationship in those teenage years, that kids tend to get lost, and think there parents don't know anything.

And this is where my heart is.....How do we save our girls, our kids, from leading a lifestyle, where sex is just apart of it....How do we let our kids know that sex is meant to be saved for marriage, not just because it's what we parents tell them that God says, but why does God say it? Why does He care? it's allowing our kids to know that they are Worth everything in the sight of God....How is this accomplished, I don't know all the answers, but I know God has put this on my heart, it's up to us as parents, to give them the tools they need while they are young....

For the sake of this blog being way to long, I have decide to write another part....another time,

My heart

a desire God has given me for so long

crusty

One day she won't need this, one day she will forget, but for today, I want to remember. a two year old who finds comfort in her "nigh night". i've thought about taking it away, for it is so dirty, stained, and it has this smell to it, that no laundry detergent can get out, I've soaked it in oxy clean, bleach, and more to try to remove the nasty smell, dark colored corner, she has to suck on. I've tried to replace it, and have told her that that blanket is crusty, but then she cries and say's I want "crusty" so now the blanket is known as crusty. it's gross, and sometimes embarrassing, when people see it, and often even ask, "have you cleaned it", i want to scream, "yes what do you think we are", but I just laugh, and say yes...all the time, which is true. i want to take it away, i've tried replacing it, but this is what she wants, and for right now i'm o.k with it, because i know one day, this blanket will not be what gets her through the day, it will not be what comforts her at night, one day it will embarrass her, but for right now, I love the innocence, I love watching her laying there with the corner in her mouth, happy as can be. this is who she is right now, this is what she loves, so i love this blanket, because forever it will bring me back to this time, it holds memories that she'll forget, but i'll have forever.

the end, with a wonderful beginning

I'm beginning to realize how powerful God really is, how much He loves us and believes in us. The power He has, to do something we can not, is simply wait. God with all the power in the world, could speak a word, and change a circumstance, He could get involved and try to make it right, but with the power He has, He stays, He does only what He knows to do right. He there, He's working, He's sending, He's preparing, He's speaking, He's loving, He's comforting, yes, He's also waiting, allowing things to go on, because He know's something we do not, the end result. He know's the end result is His plan, is His future, for us, to restore, to give us back what we so easily gave away, for what? our own selfish desires, but being the powerful loving God, He has restored it, He know's the end, so on days when we ask, Where are you Lord, and wonder if our situations are beyond fixing, or why it feels He's doing nothing, when He's doing way more then we will ever understand. He knows he doesn't have to fix our situations, unlike us who are constantly trying to fix everything, getting our hands involved, worring about what we can not change, God know's that He's already fixed our situations, because He knows the end result. He has more power then I can even imagine, watching His children hurt, yet allowing things to go on, when me as a weak would have my hands in the mess trying to figure out anyway I could make it better for that moment, He know's All. So He allows, knowing that it's better for us in the end, yet during those times, He's still there, trying to reveal in so many ways, that we often miss because our eyes are not open, that it's going to be o.k., that He is in control, that He is our comforter, our provider, our story teller, and He has promised a great ending, with a new beginning. I'm so thankful I serve a real living powerful God. I'm so thankful that He has giving us the tools, and He trust us to use them. I'm so thankful for Hope, because with God, there is always hope.

2010

I want to remember 2010 for the year I believe it will be. Here are my goals
lets start simple, tho so hard for me

1. do a load of laundry everyday
2. keep the dishes clean
3. cook and enjoy it

next are some things that I really want to do, and want to love doing

4. play more games with my kids
5. become better at homework time, and encouraging my kids to read more
6. have craft time
7. go on way more dates!!!
8. go on vacation as a family
9. go on a romantic vacation

next are the dreams I see coming true

10. build our dream house
11. build my photography clientele
12. get my awesome camera

2010 is a year where dreams will be fulfilled !!!!