sisters.

ring a round the rosies today, reminded me of the gift of being sisters. the love and support, the friendship that comes with no effort. the comfort of knowing the real person, and loving them no matter what. the joy of laughing about growing up and the experiences along the way. the stories that develope throughout the years. the joy of being girls. a sister is a first friend, that last forever.

Happy Birthday to me

it rained this morning, and the first thought was Happy Birthday to me, and maybe your reading this thinking it's a bad, or negative thought, because of course on my 30th birthday it would rain. but i really meant it with excitement, it was the first gift i received this morning. a gift from God.

I had a great birthday trip, at Disney world. the kids did great in the car, our road trip went smoothly. our house was amazing, except a few loud kids that woke up at 5:30 in the morning, not my own! our first day at disney, was hectic, we had a few marital spats, a few unhappy children, but to be expected in a chaotic park, on memorial weekend. but we pressed on figured out a system, which we had down packed by the end of the trip. grab a map, plan out your day, and stick to it, but not to get upset when things don't go our way. we enjoyed watching our kids enjoy everything, loving the rides, hugging that princess, becoming padawons (star wars), it was a fun week. so many moments and stories to tell. we spent the nights in the hot tub, laughing and having grown up time, which is so needed after a long, tiring day at the parks. we had a few hard moments, but they were over come by the great ones!

we were ready to come home, get life back to normal, and relax. our drive home was nice, Hayden said God had helped us make it fast, and when I got home, another great gift was waiting for me, my garden had been planted, with the most beautiful flowers, it looked great. I thought what a wonderful way to end a wonderful trip. to come home to such a thoughtful gift, from our friends, thank you, Josh, Tori, Miles, Lila, Ansley, and Monroe (i heard monroe did a great job, looking cute in the car) you made me feel so loved and special, i can't even begin to tell you how much that meant to me. I hope you all know how loved you are, and your friendships mean the world to us!! the last instructions i recieved were to water my flowers in the morning, and God did this for me! once again a reminder of His love.

Happy Birthday to me!!!

more after the break.

i am so excited tomorrow we leave for disney world, i feel like a kid again, which is exactly what i wanted, for this upcoming birthday. i've been packing for days, little things here and there, i haven't sat much in the last couple of days, trying to clean, and get things ready. i haven't seen much of my husband, who i miss, i didn't know how much till my own words brought on tears. i don't feel like i've spent much time with my kids, and my heart aches for that. this is going to be a great trip, everyday with my husband, doing what we love, spending it with our kids, seeing them have a great time. i can't wait to watch brennan and benji bond, like two big boys, and leighton and benji, being father and daughter, i can't wait to watch the boys see there daddy as a hero, as i see in there eyes so many times. i can't wait to see ashlyn on top of his shoulders, doing what daddy's do best. my heart aches for this trip, i need it. to be just us. to see that God has given me more than enough.
i hope He'll give me peace on this long road trip. I pray for patience, like never before, because I know i'm going to need it! i hope i remember to let go of the little things, let the kids be kids, and just enjoy every moment. I don't want to plan, i want to let it be. each day, be it's own. each moment, lead the way.
stay tuned... i'm sure i will have lots of stories, pictures and video. Disney here we come!

Leighton"s words

I just got done reading Leighton's journal from school, i always love this time of year, when you get to see what your kids say when you are not around. Some of her things are funny some are sweet, so I thought I would just share a few. I realized she loves her older brother, Brennan, she looks up to him so much. I think about 1/3 of her writing was about him. I hope she always looks up to him, and i pray he stays someone to look up to. She loves her family so much most of her writing had to do with us, she loves being a big sister, and a big helper. i just love her so much, she brought tears to my eyes this morning.

in Leighton's words

Me and my brothers like to jump high, but Brennan jumps the highest

When my family races, Brennan always is first, but once I was first (she drew a picture of Brennan mad)

Once I heard Santa come in at night, but I didn't want to make him in a hurry.

Every morning I go to school but first I have to make breakfast for my little brother. (this is not true, I wonder what her teacher thinks, slave labor?)

My sister smiles at me a lot, but sometimes it is annoying. (this is so funny)

My brother Hayden, doesn't share some of his stuff, since he wants them to himself, but I still play with him

I've fallen a lot of times, but I don't fall as much anymore (this made me laugh so hard, she does fall a lot)

My mom reheats a lot of things, because she saves a lot of food.

My family is going to Disney World and when we get back we will have to unpack our bags, because we might get in trouble if we don't

My brother is three years old and he mistreats me, but he gets in trouble.

My sister makes me read stories to her all day (this is a little true)

My mom is funny when she tells funny jokes. My mom is good at games only I like to play the games mom plays. My mom is nice because she fixes me lunch and dinner. My mom is fair at everything especially at games, but sometimes I cheat. I feel so happy, I love my mom so much.

more thoughts

i have so much to do and have no motivation, we leave for disney in 3 days and yet i sit here writing instead.

i love Cohen so much, but his attitude and screaming are getting out of hand, yet i sit here writing this.

i really hope i can make it to the hospital, to see my new little friend, i wish somedays i could clear my whole calender, but 5 kids and a husband keep me a little tied down.

Hayden has a game tonight, and i don't want to go, American Idol is on tonight, I want to see who wins, not hear it from someone else, also I want to be able to be free to go to see my friend and her new little man. am I a bad mother?

i'm a little crabby today, i've noticed like 3 times already that my feeling got hurt, i've wanted to scream at the kids, and if Hayden asks to play video games one more time i just might lose my mind, what about no does he not understand?

How am i going to make it through this day, with out loosing some kind of control, whether it be through tears, or anger.

i hate when i'm not in control.

I wish i could stay 29, 30 just doesn't seem right.

Stephanie if you read this, it's that time! remember doing your hair and you said you would call for my reminder.. that was a joke, o.k. maybe not all the way....love you friend.

i'm wondering if i should just delete this post.

it's a beautiful day outside, i did just get back from a walk with my new stroller, the kids loved it.

summer is almost here, I can't wait for lazy days, no agenda, just fun. maybe we will be able to go to the lake, that would be wonderful.

i love my kids, my husband, my sisters, my parents, my family, and my friends. life wouldn't be worth living with out you.

today is going to be a good day, i'm believing for something great!!

standing in front of me.

I saw it on sunday, why i am the way that i am. why i need to change. it's always been there, for generations. i see it in all my family, wondering how something has a hold of us so strong.

my grandma, left another party, offended. feeling alone, like no-one cared that she was there, and no-one was giving her the attention she deserved. i watched my mom chase her, and my heart broke, watching my mom, trying another time to make my grandma happy. i felt so sorry for my mom, wondering what it must have been like, never to have a real mom.

but there it was, the offense, that has no justification. i hate to admit it, but i saw myself a tiny bit. with out all the stomping, tears, and drama. i saw my mom in her, and a few others in our family. getting our feelings hurt, feeling like no-ones thinking about us, and getting offended over something so small.

i thought, look what we have learned, and it made me ask, what can i do to change. how can i live the rest of my life with out this. so i don't pass it on to my girls. luckily, i see. i see who you hurt, i see the truth of the actions, i see the pain it causes on your life. so i can change it. i can stop. even though the thoughts arise on many occasions, i can change my thoughts, i am in charge, i can direct my actions.

i can love. i can care. i can take the focus off of me, and put the focus on those around me. i can give, even when nothing is returned. but the truth is, it's always returned, i just have to open my eyes, and see through His eyes. listen to His truths, and realize the lies that are being spoken.


yes, i saw it, but i will not live it.

i saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes..

I saw this sign on a church tonight, that I thought was just for me. I can imagine it, who ever is in charge of putting the signs up, praying asking God, what do i need to put up, and God answers, this ones for Keri. O.k. i'm sure it didn't go like that, but i'm also sure that it was meant for me to see today, this day that i was a little discouraged by my current situation, and wondering how we are going to get that next paycheck.

it's funny on my way out today, i was praying and planning, yes at the same time, you know when you ask God for something, and instead of waiting to hear Him, you start to take over and plan out the way you think something could happen, or how you could help Him out. as my mind was making plans, i just kept hearing "Be still and know that I am God" and everytime i would be like yes you are, and I would ask, are you wanting me to go do this? I would hear again "Be still and know that I am God" I don't know about anyone else, but staying still is not easy for me, but at the same time, I do trust that He is in control, I just dont' want to miss what He is saying.

I have to be honest though, I don't know how still I was, I spoke of my worries to friends, and thankfully, they are awesome, and encourge me to trust Him. But I don't know if i was being very still. I mean i didn't sit and say, how it's going to be o.k., I spoke my concerns, i showed doubt, i didn't show that I knew God, and all the promises He makes. I wish I was stronger, i wish i had more faith, I wish i trusted more. I wish in the midst of a storm, i kept my head on that pillow, and trusted like Jesus did on that boat. But i am me, a work in progress, who constently needs reminder, and thankfully I serve a God, who knows me and loves me, that no-matter what, He reminds me of His love, His promises, His contol over my life.

The sign simply stated, "God doesn't have problems, He has plans" this is a reminder, that my problems are nothing, that don't even matter, because before i can even ask, before i know to even ask, His plan was there before. Plans, His word says, of a future, to prosper, not to harm me. Plans He knows of, plans with my heart in mind,not just any desires, the deepest desires of my heart. It's so true isn't it, God doesn't have problems, He has plans, I love this statement. and I'm so thankful, that He lead me to it today. Even as I was thinking about things, He showed me, He is greater, His plans are greater, His love is greater than I will ever know.

an unexpected gift

as a parent, i question myself, my decisions, my motives, my words, my thoughts, everything. i tend to beat myself down, with the..i could have done that better, i shouldn't have said that, i could have done more today..i didn't love enough, i tend to focus on my failures of the day, instead of the good that came out of it.

i went on my Brennan's 3rd grade field trip, even though my body still in pain, was telling me to stay at home. but i couldn't do that to Brennan, i tend to back down on things a little easier with him, because i know he can handle it, he's the oldest, the most understanding, but on this day i knew how much me going on the bus and being apart of his field trip had meant to him, so i decided to suck up the pain and go.

Brennan's teacher gave me the greatest gift of all, she reminded me that i'm doing a pretty good job, and by I, i'm speaking for us, me and benji, she said one of the most powerful things i think a parent could hear, when after years of trying to decide the best path for your kids, and making a choice to send them to a school, where most Christians, run and flee from...the public school. she told me, what a positive influence Brennan has on the class. that in fact he has made such a difference in one boys life, helping him with the confidence this little boy needed to believe in himself. as she was saying these words, i had to fight my emotional self, from breaking down into tears..i didn't want her to think she's was dealing with a complete nut. i was amazed that a 9 year old boy could make such a difference, by him choosing to do right, the power it has on those around him.

i know the credit is really all on Brennan, but when your child does these things, it's a reminder that we must be doing something right,our words, our actions, our choices. it was like God used brennan's teacher to remind us, that He's proud of us, and to be proud of Brennan, and the way we are raising him. sometimes with all the doubts, and insecurities of being a parent, a gift like this is well needed.

mother's day

what do i want to remember about yesterday..Mother's day...

not the craziness of the day, going from here to there, making sure we get in all of the days priorities, or commitments i wish i didn't make. that i was sorry i didn't let my husband play, when i saw how bad he wanted to be up there, my heart broke. he has this desire in his heart, that i walked in front of, blocking it. because of what yesterday was, what i thought was about me. i don't want to remember the amount of falls, and tears the kids had yesterday, or the tiredness that is making my kids crabby today!

no i want to remember, the way i woke up, the way i began the day, the first person that made me feel so special, his arms, his kiss, his love. i want to remember getting coffee brought to me, carefully brought up the stairs, hoping she wouldn't spill anything, while i was getting ready. i want to remember, the smell of bacon, and blueberry muffin's getting cooked for just me...we'll so i thought. i want to remember the way the plate was sitting on the table, with my breakfast just waiting for me, with kids eyes so proud for what they did for their mommy. i want to remember benji helping me look for that shoe, so i could get out the door. i want to remember the kids each lining up on the couch waiting to hand me the gifts they picked out all by themselves. they were all sweet gifts, Cohen's - m&m's, oh he was so proud, benji said he knew exactly what to get me before they even got to the store. Hayden- silver bracelets, because silver is his favorite color, Leighton- an "L" necklace, so i would know who always gave it to me, and Brennan- a faith necklace with a cross, because he know' s i love God...my kids the way they love me is what i want to remember, Ashlyn was to little to know what day it was, but a hug, and her saying it's so pretty, will be inscribed on my heart forever. i want to remember the starbucks coffee brought to me, with the leftover blueberry muffins, as my kids and hubby came to church, later then me. (i had to work the nursery, yes on mothers day!) i want to remember, hanging out with my family, the laughs we shared, the branch that "fell" to make Katie's electricity go out. the hugs of the day, the excitement of planning up coming dates.

it was a good day, a fun day, a great day. a day to stop and remember how truly blessed i am to be a mother, a day where i realized the focus shouldn't be about other's celebrating me as a mom, but me celebrating, the amazing privilege to be a mom.

yes i hope i remember, that being a mom is the greatest gift of all.

today's thoughts

i really need to get my laundry finished, i never have a problem starting something, it's finishing it. i'm good with the idea of something it's following through.

i'm getting so excited about disney world, we leave in 2 weeks! i feel i have so much to do, yet can't do anything yet.

i'm praying for a little man to enter this world real soon! my heart longs to meet him so bad. i'm sure his mama understands this a little more than me. 2cm!! baby, "what ever you let rule your mind, will rule your life" prov 23:7 also Lord, if he could come before i leave....you make two bff's really happy!

i've been at home truly enjoying the kids i have. i've made myself stop and listen to what they say, instead of it just being my normal background noise.

i've realized i have the sweetest, kids, they really care for one another. Leighton saved Ashlyn falling down the steps, she's todays hero.

i get to go to Milwaukee and hang out with an old friend and photographer, who is going to take the time to teach me some very important things.

i'm nervous, my heart wants to change courses into photography, but i'm scared, scared of failing and not being good at it. dreams feel better in a distance, at least i can control them.

"do or do not, there is not try" Master yoda...o.k. i've turned into my husband loving a quote from star wars, what can i say, it's making me think, about going for things, believing, and knowing i have what it takes.

ones trash is another treasure, boy is this true in my house right now..benji brought home some lady's junk, and my kids haven't stopped playing with it. makes me wonder

my heart just jumped for joy. brennan just asked for the camera, he wanted to capture a cute moment...i love when i can see my passions rub off on the kids.

praying for cohen, his skin to be healed. i don't know how people take care of really sick kids, my thoughts go out to you. it's hard to watch cohen in pain with just eczema, but nothing is to little for God, who is our healer and comforter.

i only have a few more pounds!!! stay focused.

dora can be a life saver, when i need a few more minutes.

i'm turning 30 soon...

i'm putting shorts on this summer, i don't care about my insecurities, i'm sick of living that way..i want to live. i found a swimsuit, that i actually feel good in! and it's not a cover all, and my daughter told me i look young, and she wants to look like me...that made my day, i needed that!

i'm getting excited about michelle's wedding, even though i think it's going to be the most emotional day.

mothers day, i hope doesn't stink.. i wonder when will mothers day be about me?

i can't wait for summer, no school. lazy days. lake trips. camping. family time. no commitments.

Lord, you feel far away, remind me of you today...

i need to spend more time in His words, i think he's only heard mine this week. i can take the time, im not to busy, no excuses.

it's not about me, it's not about me.....i love no matter what...i need to stop setting people up to fail me..and just love them for who they are..i'm only accountable for me.

words are powerful, i need to speak only good things.

why are kids so amazing, the way they think, and play, i wonder if God wonders this about us.

today is going to be a good day, i need patients as always, i want to get on the floor and play, laugh a lot, really talk with the kids, maybe turn on some music and dance, sing my heart out for Him, and make today leave an imprint on my heart.

to: my heart..... from: me

Good morning heart, i see your doing pretty good, although it's time to let go....let go of that hurt, it's making you beat a little slower today. i don't see that sparkle you usually give to me. it's time to release somethings, and be new again. so on this day, i'm here to remind you. your husband loves you, more than you know. he would do anything for you, he's just human, and it's natural for him to think of himself, don't you on many occasions? on most occasions? isn't that why i'm here reminding you, because your're thinking only of yourself? he's not trying to hurt you, so stop taking offense. remember the way he hugged you this morning, didn't that make you skip a beat? it made me feel great. i see you trying to shut down, i see you building those walls, but remember, you are going to be open, always opening your door to give out, and let in, no matter what.you made a promise, and i'm holding you to that promise. you want to live with a full heart, not half hearted. so today i'm reminding you, you are loved. loved by those around you, enjoy today, experience the good, and love to the fullest.

“Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased.

Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken.

But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.”

heavy hearted

my heart is heavy tonight, maybe due to the book i've been reading, then i keep hearing news of a horrible tragedy, and it's all made me just feel sad. sad to live in a world, we are no longer designed to live in. a world full of hurt and sadness. why do these things have to happen, why do we have to be scared, to live in a world that we must lock our doors, or have pain that can't be explained. i mean i know why, sin, but at the same time, it makes me wonder. were not suppose to fear, because God will protect us, i know this, but what about those moments, that protection doesn't matter? what about the preacher that got shot in his own church? i know it all will work out for the greater good, and the preacher is in heaven, the best place to be. but i guess tonight, this world just feels lost, hopeless, full of awful things, it just makes me want to skip this life, and go to the life i was intended for. a life full of His glory. i want to believe nothing bad will ever happen to me or my family, but in this life there are guarantee's. we sin and a sinful world has pain, a free world has pain. i just pray that me and my family are protected, that fear would not camp out in here, but we would know that no matter what comes our way, His glory will always be greater. tonight i'm sad, and i'm sorry i am, but it's my heart, a heavy heart, a heart that i'm handing over to Him to protect, restore, and give me peace. i can't do it alone, tomorrow i may have the strenth, tomorrow i may have joy, but tonight i have tears. tears for others, tears of not understanding, but i know i don't have to, i just have to trust, that no-matter what, He is God. He put me here, for a life to live, i guess it's just hard, i keep wondering is this the world i really want to raise my family in, no it's not, i want something greater, and i hold on that He is the greater. we will meet up with Him one day, and i will know this is why i live. that at that moment, i will know this is the life i was intended for.

i want to grow old together

i was watching the duggars the other night, you know the show with the 18 kids, this particular episode was about grandpa duggar dying. i was so touched by this episode, but not for the normal reasons i guess. they showed old clips of grandma duggar taking care of him, feeding him, washing him, taking care of him however he needed. i was so touched, it made wonder if that's how me and benji would be. would i love him so much that i could feed him, bath him, care for him. i know i could, but sometimes i wonder how? on those days when i want to run the other way, when i don't feel the love from benji, when he hasn't done what i think is enough or his part in our marriage. when our love life seems to be measured by our intense feeling, on the romantic stuff, on the ooey, gooey things. i always thought i would rather have passion, the real fire, the can't keep our hands off of each other kind of marriage, but as i watched the show, i realized this is what i wanted. i want to grow old together, take care of each other, even when it's not pretty, or romantic. no i want more, that deep friendship, that strong foundation, a love that takes up my whole being. to really have a mind set to put the other first. that as we get older, things are going to fade out, but what counts is the years of building we put into our marriage. it's funny, i've lived most of my life wanting those "new years" in a realationship, the ones where you would do anything for the object of your affection, you know the exciting times, the long phone calls, the love notes,i've tried to recreate them, but honestly i think i want the "old years" i want to live a long life with the man i love, hold hands, and talk about the good old years, take care of each other with a love that can't be shaken. i want to grow old together, to make him proud, of the love i have given him. these are the years that matter, the years leading up to our "old years"

sleepover fun

we had a successful sleepover. hayden had the best time, playing video games with his little buddy miles. they played for a pretty long time, laughing, and defeating, we'll i don't know who they were defeating, but i just heard the words coming out of there mouth.

we went to get snacks at target,(i think people thought i was crazy taking a picture in the middle of target, but who cares) and hayden got to choose who got to go, all the other kids pleading with him to let them go, but hayden insisted only miles, and i was o.k. with this because i got to enjoy hayden being a friend, instead of a brother. they laughed almost the whole ride there, talking about gross boy things, and thinking they were the funniest things that ever lived. i laughed at there remarks, some of what they said, i don't think i will ever forget. one thing i know is they can sure talk. i let them choose what ever snacks they wanted, and boy did they go crazy!

after our shopping trip it was back home for more video game fun and then time to get out the sleeping bags and watch movies! they got to stay up extra late, around midnight, yes that is late, but isn't that what sleepovers are for, to have fun and have no bed time...we'll maybe that's what we get to do.

they woke up around 7:30 and honestly i was thinking you got to be kidding me!! i was hoping late bed time, means late morning, but they were ready to go, playing more video games, and building things together. all and all, i think they had great time, i believe they want to do it again, but maybe next time, hayden will be packing his bags!!

boys will be boys!

excitement about a sleep over

tonight is the night, hayden is having his first sleep over. for days he has been counting down the day, and now he's counting down the minutes.

he has been waiting at the window all day, double checking to make sure the car is not miles car. he thinks they are going to stay up all night long! play video games, and have boy time, no girls aloud, and maybe no brother. as we speak he just asked me again.."when is miles going to get here?"

he is so excited, he just can not stand it, it's his first real big boy sleep over. i thought that i would document this event. but for now i just have him being excited.





stay tuned to see how the night went! all boys all fun! we are planning on getting snacks, a movie, (don't worry tori it will be miles appropriate) and staying up late! wow what a fun night!!! we just got the call, miles is on the way!!!