it that time again

I have this sign that hangs in my house, "expect a miracle" it says, often it sits there with no meaning behind it, just a decoration that often goes unnoticed, but today I look at it, and it's looking back at me. asking me so many questions, do you believe, do you trust, do you think I can deliver, you hang me for a reason, a reminder that miracles happen everyday, whether you see or whether you believe. Obviously I don't think this sign does miracle, but it's a reminder of my Miracle Maker. and today, though I don't see how, or why He would, I still expect, because I know with out a doubt, He will take care, He will provide, maybe it's not a miracle to Him, it's just God being who He is, standing on His promises, but to me it would be, because I don't see how unless His Hands have touched, moved, and directed things to place perfectly. I'm not going to speak, I'm not even going to worry, I'll see HIm work, I'll see Him provide, He's good, and I know that He has already started, before I even had to ask, because through the unknown, there is a peace I've never had before. It's that time again, where I place my everything into His hands, It's that time again, when I will see Him get us through.

the unknown

it's been a while since i wrote, and sometimes i wonder who i'm writing to? is it for me, to document my life, or do i write so maybe what i am going through will create a bond with another through my words. maybe it's both, maybe it's so i can get the thoughts that sit in my mind out on "paper" Honestly sometimes I hold back not knowing for sure who reads the words, but i'm tired of holding back so today I write....

I feel lost, there's something unknown in my life, I've lived for years knowing what was to happen next, a wedding, a baby, add 4 more...a job, a new profession, and today I sit wondering what exciting thing i have to look forward to. I've been stuck in those years, remembering them as the best days of my life, the day I walked down the isle, the day I held each of my kids in my arms for the first time, the excitement of new, and today I feel my feet are stuck, maybe I've left them planted in those years, and I have to trust that greater things are coming my way, i lay in my bed at night, with no dreams, no hoping for the next chapter of my life. I've always had a dream, something I've longed for, and lately I feel like the dreams have slipped away. or I've given up on some, or some feel as though they have been ripped away. You may read this and say "Keri you have so much, you have so many wonderful things ahead" trust me I've spoken it to myself, and then the guilt comes in forceful waves. then I get stuck in the guilt of it all, I missed out on enjoying today, because I'm trying to figure out my tomorrows, I've missed out on what's right in front of me, and I feel ashamed. So here I am, lost with guilt.

One of my biggest problems in life, is I understand God's mercy, His Love, His Gift for others, and I've seen them come to pass, but I don't understand it for myself. I understand that God loves you right where you are, but I don't always believe He loves me right where I am. Therefor I get lost, and I feel guilty that I know these things, but I haven't taken them upon myself. I could sit and tell anyone God's love for them, the wonderful plans He has for them, and many many times, I've seen Him prove that to them, I've seen them step into His Blessings, and that leaves me thinking God what about me?? I know the answer, it's I haven't fully believed, and then I feel ashamed. It's a pattern, and I want to break the pattern, what am I scared of? truth be told, maybe He won't show up for me, I'm comfortable at a distance so to say, because He's still Good in my eyes, I have all that I need, He's given me enough, But what if what I hope and dream for the "more" doesn't come to pass? will I lose? I'm not at all saying that what I'm writing is true, but it's the truth of where I am, I sit and look back at my words, and think wow keri you are stupid, YOU KNOW!! Go ahead trust, He Won't fail you, or I hear HIM saying, "Go ahead trust me, I will never fail you, let go, give over the control, let me show you, who I really am, let me be God" my first thought that comes to mind is "How God?, How do I hand over what I don't understand?" but in my spririt, I hear Him, "I know your heart better then you, I know your dreams, I've placed them there, I've given them to you, don't be afraid to lose what is not yours, but mine alone, I'm bigger then any dream you think, I'm faithful, I AM"

maybe this is why I wrote today, for break through, for God to speak, for truths to be admitted, for God to write, and take over... I'm lost Lord, but never Lost in YOU. I've listened to long to another voice, but today Your voice has pressed through, and a light is beginning to shine, in this heart I let go dark, today I feel new, I didn't know the words I was to write today, but I wrote what I felt, and today you took over, a much better way to live. I may not know what tomorrow brings, but I place it today in your hands, I want what you want for me, help me to plant my feet in your ways, and if I'm to stay placed anywhere, let it be with YOU. Today I write to you, though i didn't know at the beginning of this, I know now, help me live my life this way, to open up, to hand over, and to let you speak.

camping trip

it's been a very long time since i posted, finding the time to write my thoughts, or even sharing my life has been hard. it's like were non stop going and i find my self struggling to relax. i thought going on a camping trip would be just what we needed but a 24 hour camping trip not so sure it's worth all the work, (putting a tent up and taking it right down the very next day to name 1) but then again it's for sure worth all the memories, even if some of those include yelling a bit for my kids to stop giving me a heart attack, or carrying a 3 year old who really wasn't old enough for the hike, or a very emotional 5 year old, who seemed to complain or fall and get hurt every 10 minutes, who also needed to use the bathroom, but we were in the woods, and no toilet in site (i'm not talking about #1 here) but cancel all that out, and it really was a great trip, not sure I would plan it for mothers day again (at the time we had no idea it was mothers day)....I just kept saying it's not about me, not about my achy, unexercised body, it's about the kids, it's about taking time spending as family, walking away from all other distractions and concentrating on the beauty God has given us, in my kids, in my husband, and in the world He created. (just a side note, I think i will appreciate things a lot more when we head to the beach in June!)

she had to have a dress over her jammies

what to do?

I opened my email today, and notice that someone wanted to be my friend, not just anyone, the biological father, the man i've see only a handful of times in my whole life. it's complicated, and brings with it unknown feelings, a little anxiety, and fear.

if you don't know this about me, i don't usually share much, because my whole life i've had a dad, a great dad, my dad. I've never felt i was missing anything, or needed to know this other man, i've been given chances, i could have had a releationship with him at anytime, but never felt the need to, my dad (paul) is my dad, and i never wanted anything more, nor would i have wanted him to feel replaced for all he has given me.

let me explain a little better, it's complicated, my mom had 2 kids with this dave guy, me and my older sister, they divorced she remarried my dad paul, and he took over full fatherhood over me and my sister I was a little under 2, and they had 3 more kids together.  my dad (when talking about my dad it is always paul, the only way i refer to the other guy is by dave or my biological father, and honestly i don't even like giving him that) adopted us officially when I was in 6th grade, i never knew he wasn't my father until I was about this age, I signed my name with pauls last name, the school allowed this at the time, even though it wasn't my real last name at the time.

it's even more complicated then that, dave is my uncle bob's brother, so 2 sisters( my mom and my aunt) married 2 brothers( my biological father, and my uncle), so I've always known an uncle dave from my cousins, and those cousins lived right next door to us growing up. dave was even fishing buddies with my dad, and my uncles, crazy huh? so I knew of him, and had no idea he was really "my dad". sorry if your not following!

so with all that said, it would have been very easy to know this man, and my parents even would  have allowed it, but from my understanding he could have cared less, when I was a baby he basically told my mom, he didn't even ever want us, and she moved on. (there's way more drama then I can even begin to explain)

I remember the first day of 6th grade sitting in a classroom full of new faces, because I was now in middle school, and the teacher doing roll call, Keri Reese, she called out, no one answered, Keri Reese again she called, no one answered, for a split second I was like wow anther Keri in my class, and wondered who she was, then it dawned on me I was Keri Reese, I slid my hand up, feeling embarrassed that all the other kids thought i was some kind of an idiot that didn't know my own  name, in my head I was Keri Guetschow, i'll never forget how hard it was to start signing my name Keri Reese, this school would not allow me to sign Guestchow. it was like at that moment I became a whole new person with a whole new identity, but still feeling like I was who I had know my whole life.

in the middle of 6th grade, dave had been contacting my parents, wanting to see us girls, he was a changed man, my parents sat us down and asked if we would like to see him, we said yes, we were curious after all we had heard great things about uncle dave, from my cousins. it was awkward meeting him, and it didn't last, sure enough it ended over a fight my parents had with him, and before I knew it, we were in a lawyers office getting officially adopted by my dad. I was once again a true Guetschow. and I had the best dad!!!

fast forward my 18th birthday when I legally could see this man again, he started to call, wanted to get to know me more, my sister mindy was already in contact with him, he had bought her a car and promised to do the same for me. (i wanted the car!!, my parents were in no position to get me something like this) I never realized how that decision of seeing him again maybe a couple of times would hurt my parents, and that he could give me something they could not, looking back I regret this decision, they gave me way more then this guy ever could, years later, he filed bankruptcy on the car, stop making payments, never told me,  and now because my name was linked to the car, had bankruptcy on my credit report and the car got repossessed, we had already taken over the payments because the bank had called us, but for some reason the car still got repossessed we did get it back a big misunderstanding. (sorry to much info)

I really haven't seen him since then, here iand there at family functions, like my anut or uncles bdays, but for the most part it stopped, I remember running into him at a family function and I had brennan a baby and he held him (plus brennan has always resembled him a bit) and he called himself grandpa to him, that made me so mad.

so here we are today, do I except this man to be my friend on facebook with him knowing me through my most precious pictures of my kids, my life,  what would God want me to do?? is my biggest question, He wrote and I quote in his friend request message "Hi keri, it's dave, I would love to start communicating with you I'm hoping this is the way to start" It's just facebook, but what are the new expectations if I except this friend, will more be asked? God please help me.

I know he is a hurting man right now, he just lost the only son he knew, my step brother i guess, (through another marriage he had, I didn't know this boy, I met him once)  he was my age, and I know now he has no-one, but I can't be his new some-one.

and add drugs, and other stuff into his lifestlye, it's way more complicated then any post would allow me to write, not sure where he's at in life right now, maybe he's got his stuff together, but I am 31 years old, isn't it too late, or is the question is it ever to late?

I'm official...

over the past few months, i have been working on becoming an official business (by the state of Mo), and when my checks came in the mail from my business account, i got a bit overwhelmed, with pressure and emotion. i am official in every way recognized as a real business, a company.

one part of me can't believe i'm really here, another part is fear, fear of the unknown, fear of failure..stupid fear.

but at the same time, i feel proud, i feel happy, a little of shock, that i stepped out, that i believed in me.

I feel like st. louis weather, a little up and down, highs and lows, you never know what your going to get.

but i like it here, i'm in  a good place, each step is a step to new grounds, it's a journey. my journey.

sisters

6 years apart...

will not keep my girls from developing a true friendship

though at times

i have been scared that those years inbetween will bridge a gap,

but as the years move on i see that gap closing, i know as years will come it will be strong again, like when Leighton is 16 and Ashlyn is only 10, these will be the years they will seem worlds apart..

but today the gap seems small, and I know one day it will seem like a dot on paper,

years smears....




bath time with swimsuits is the best!

can i just be honest, being a mother is hard, being a wife is emotional, and trying to always get things right, and be the best at my job can be exhausting. I second guess every decision i make, wondering will i be the one that screws my kids up, will they turn around and blame me when they get older for why they have some short comings? i'm always trying to be the good wife, understanding, loving, giving Benji what he needs, but i always feel i'm not enough, which is why i have to release the idea of being enough, i will never be enough, i will never be all that i want to be, i have to let HIM, be what i can't, i can't do it on my own, i'm not good enough with out His love and guidance leading me. but still i struggle, still i fall, still i try to be.....


i want my kids to look back and say, i was a good mother, not just she did her best for what she knew, i want them to feel what i try to be for them, in all ways everyday. i fail many times, i get caught up in my needs thinking i need to get away, i need things for me, and forget that what i am right now, is what God has called me to be, a mom, a wife, an example of His great love, but i forget to let Him be, let Him speak, how stupid it is to try to represent God with out letting him have His place. to say what He is, but not show who He is.

yes there is a time to rebuild myself, to step outside of what i am, to replenish, to do things for me, but only with the intentions of coming back stronger to be what i am called to be at this very time.

i read this scripture today, and i love it, it represents the very heart i have, of the truth of what He wants for my house

It takes wisdom to have a good family
and it takes understanding to make it strong.
It takes knowledge to fill a home
with rare and beautiful treasures.
                                   proverbs 24:3-4

i can't do it with out His wisdom, in all ways i need to seek Him first, and ask questions, is this what you want for my kids, how can i love them more, how can i make sure they will see you through this, when i'm yelling or feeling insecure, how does that represent you, i have to stop and remember that these are not souly my kids, they are His first, the way I love my husband, is it right before His eyes, is it the way He wants me to love benji, and the only way I will know is to ask for His great wisdom, His knowledge of knowing better then me.
one thing i often struggle with is understanding, understanding means way more then i know, it's stepping back sometime and offering true compassion, seeing things through others eyes, and His ways, it's understanding with a humbleness that only He can give, I can' t be what He wants me to be with out understanding His love and His ways, more then my own. It's feeling what maybe my kids, or husband is feeling above myself. And with His knowledge, and allowing Him to teach, being a student instead of thinking of myself as the ruler, the leader, what I think is right, it's stepping down from my own platform i built for myself, and surrendering it to Him, so I can see that the rare and beautiful treasures that fill my home, are not the stuff I fill it with, but the people He has given me. In each way, my husband is a rare treasure designed perfectly by God. Brennan, Leighton, Hayden, Cohen and Ashlyn, are His greatest beautiful treasures He has given me, that make my home full.

Today, and everyday that I am blessed to live on this earth, i pray i will remember to seek His wisdom, His understanding, His knowledge, to see the true, rare and beautiful treasures that fill my house that makes it so, so good.

"it's good"  (in the voice of Jim Carey playing bruce almighty)

where are you?.

i've been doing a lot of thinking about different passages of the bible, really trying to grasp what God is trying to reveal about who he is, what he's trying to teach us about his word, i know everyone gets something different out of the bible. and i'm no scholar, that is for sure, i tend to find the simple truths, maybe truths that some understood when they were 5. i'm finding new meanings, new truths to wear i'm at right now, but maybe by posting these things, i can speak to some one else about who God is too, i've always carried a heart for others, sometimes i carry it to heavily, but non the less, i care, i want others and myself to understand God for who he is, loving, never leaving, a God who believes in us, let me say that again, a God who believes in us, yes he wants us to believe in him, but he also would have to believe in us, to give us all those second chances, to send his son to die for us, to let us do his work, to use us...just think about it, God believes in us, he believes were good, he believes we can be what he created us to be, we have the greatest cheerleader on our side.

i was thinking about when Adam and Eve sinned, after they made clothing out of fig leaves, after they hid, and God asked "where are you?" all my life i wondered why God asked where they were? i mean he's God didn't he already know, didn't he already know this was going to happen, doesn't he know where we all are? i understand that something happened, separation from God to man, that the connection they once has was lost at this point, and not only did Adam and Eve feel it, but God did to, but couldn't he see where they were at? why did he have to ask? the simpleness that it is, is they had to say, to confess where they were at, to understand what they did, for God to make it right. this was the first confessing of sins, i don't know why i'm just getting this now, but the only thing i know, is today i hear God asking me

Where are you?

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thankful for ...........




reading the bible in a year, provide by Joy FM(hopefully I will make it)


my super comfy slippers that i never take off when i'm home


the gift Leighton made me, with the sweetest note waiting for me on my nightstand last night

dropping in

i've been cleaning my house, it's a mess, as always, my aunt dropped by this morning before i got to even touch it, i invited her in, embarrassed by the way it looked, what she must have thought! i try to straighten up every day before benji gets home...so he doesn't think, what did you do all day, i have laundry baskets piled up, bathrooms are a mess, kids rooms are a mess, my room is the worst! and I think what would happen if more people dropped by? what would they think, what would they see? what if they were welcomed to just open the door, and walk in...would they catch me yelling at my kids, would they see me undone, in my pajama's, could they walk in on an argument with my husband, what would they see if i let them in to my real daily life, not on the days i clean up before, the days i invite people over, and make everything look presentable, this got me thinking, is it just my house or is it my whole life that can feel this way?

I'm a mess, not perfect, do i let people in to see me on a daily basis, or do i wait until i've cleaned myself up, the days i feel strong and not a mess,as jj. heller sings who will love me for me, when i'm weak, when i question, when i'm unsure, when i'm hurting about something small, when i feel i could crack at any minute, do i lock up myself, and wait to invite until i'm presentable? most of the time the answer is yes, but i know you have to let friends/family in, to see the real you, to know they aren't' going to judge the mess you're living in, the imperfect you. God has put them in your life for a reason, to be a support, to speak those words you need to hear, to listen, to love, but for some reason, what God does and gives to be good, Lies, come to steal, kill and destroy the good of what God has placed in our lives, and here i am saying, yes i have believed those lies for way to long.

i'm believing for a changed self, that God would help me with my flaws, but more importantly that He would help me to be me, to let others in, take me for who i am, in my weakest moments, to open my doors, and say come in, this is me, I can't do it alone, didn't He give us friends, people to share things with.....

Those people......



who will love me for me?




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today I am thankful for

happy expressions!! kids wear it best!

what's your excuse?

one of the things I wanted to do this year was read the bible in a year, honestly i've already fell behind...just like i always do,
anyways..

I'm in Genesis, and I'm reading about Abraham and Sarah, we've all heard the story, God has promised them a child, a son, God comes to their home, and tells Abraham, Sarah will give birth to a son, Sarah who is eavesdropping, laughs, she says, my husband and I are too old to have a baby, as I read this, I thought to myself, what's my excuse, for not believing in God's plans for my life, for his purpose, for him giving me my greatest desires. Sarah's was she thought she was to old, she saw what she thought was her flaw, her age, she thought it was to late for her.

I just said yesterday while on the phone with my friend, maybe it's to late for me, maybe i've missed my opportunity. Not with Sarah it wasn't, the Lord heard her laugh, and say she was too old, He said Is there anything to hard for the Lord? Sarah you will have a son.

So here I am, going back in my head, remembering my excuses, what I think are my flaws, why I thought it was to late for me...

I'm not good enough, i'm not smart enough, i haven't believed enough, i made that mistake, i'm not as good as that person....so many excuses, but God doesn't see those, He see's the truth in what He's doing, in what he has planned, and just like Sarah, called out on her lie, when she said I didn't laugh, and God simply said, "no you did laugh", here I sit today being called out on the lies i think, the lies i've believed, and God is calling me out on them, Saying "is there anything to hard for the Lord?"

the answer is simply No.

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thankful...

for coffee!! can i get an amen!



for the amazing canvas that was a gift, that i love!! it's us as art, how much better can it get


snow days!


for God's word, with out it I would be lost

everything you are

thankful...

for you...

the husband

the father, the friend, i kept telling you yesterday,

i fell in love with you more,

the way you love your kids

the way you love me,

the way you can be a kid one second,

and the man of the house the next.

I am more blessed, because of you

more loved

more fulfilled

complete

so happy birthday, today, and everyday

I will be thankful for the day you were born,

with out this day, there would be no you,

love you!!

thankful days

am i totally weird that on day 6 i was just so thankful for my pepsi? it's my favorite, my treat to myself, some people love ice cream and chocolate, i love pepsi!



art work of my kids, to help remember the little hands that created this art.




thankful that my husband picked up my camera and got these shots!! i am never infront of the camera, and i love that i have these little treasures.

thankful for the gift and talent God has given me

it's o.k.

this morning was better then to be expected dragging kids out of bed after a long winters break, we slept in most days till 10, one day i'm not kidding it was 10:47, i haven't slept in like that since before i had kids, and now i have kids that treasure sleep as much as i do.

so i was feeling guilty because i thought i hadn't gotten pictures of my kids over this winters break, i put my camera down for the season, thinking of it as my job over these past very busy months of shooting what felt like non stop, forgetting that i'm still that crazy mother who takes a billion pictures of my kids, how did i forget to pick up my camera on christmas (i really did) i was apart this year, not the one behind the camera, which was great...but now i'm bummed that i don't have documentation of that wonderful morning! (but benji did get some of it on video camera), but as i was going through my pics, i realized i did get a few of the snow, and of my kids opening their family gift christmas eve, so i'm not all that bad right?????




the kids loved the snow, ashlyn was cracking me up laying on her belly..


did i mention the turkey that was walking down my street..


and the one picture i did get on christmas eve


it's o.k. i'm living this year not beating myself up with the i wish i did, or i shoulda woulda coulda's...i'm releasing my own high expectations of what i never will measure up to, and just going with the flow, like the beatle's say, let it be...



and remembering this is what i'm thankful for today

playtime with my youngest child