In the eyes of Joseph

I was sitting in church on Christmas eve, and they were doing this skit, with Mary and Joseph, the skit got me thinking, not because it was the greatest skit, but seeing Joseph made my mind wonder. What it would have been like to be Joseph, holding God's son, taking care of him. I wondered if he was doubting himself, if everytime he did something, was he nervous, I mean this is God's son. When Jesus hit his 2's and starting walking, and fell the first time, maybe scratched his knee, or bumbed his head, did he feel bad that he hadn't watched God's son good enough, I wondered the pressure he may of had, trying to be right before God. I wondered did Jesus throw fits, I mean he was sinless, so was Jesus the perfect child that did nothing wrong, or is a two year old a two year old, and does God even hold a two year old accountable for his actions, there for Jesus could have thrown fits. Did Jesus push his limits, and if so everytime he pushed them was Joseph scared to do wrong or dicipline, in the eyes of God, after all it is God's son. I just thought of the extra pressure he might of had, when Jesus cried, did Joseph get frustrated, then feel guilty about his thoughts, being in charge of God's son. Did Joseph have a fear of God, trying to do right at all times, speaking a calm way, loving extra, checking his actions to make sure God would be pleased. As these thoughts were in my head, a new thought came to my mind, isn't Brennan God's son, Leighton his daughter, Hayden and Cohen His son's, and my two year old who causes me to fail as a parent many days, His daughter. Aren't we all His children, shouldn't I have the same fears I was thinking Joseph may have had? Conviction came on me, last night as I was still pondering all these thoughts. My children are God's, to raise the way He would want, to guide them to His love, shouldn't I have the same fears? My children are borrowed, they are not my own, they belong to Him, I will have to stand before God on account of my mothering. I know this has changed my thinking, when I speak to my children, I should ask, am I doing right before you, If i'm having "one of those days", I should ask God for His grace, and always wonder am I doing your will, am I taking care, the best care I can of your son's and daughters. I pray I always think this way, that I live my life, as I would think Joseph did, and Mary did caring for the son of God, Questioning how to love and care for these gifts.

glass

i try to pretend, i try to ignore, but things just build up. i see that wall in front of me, but it's not made of brick, it's glass, i can see through it still, and some can see in. it's enough to let people see me, but not enough to let them in. i feel safe with the glass, i get to choose what i keep on the other side, but i fear, with one hard blow it's going to come crashing down, and break into a million pieces. I fear even more that a tiny rock, will but a crack in it, then causing it to come crashing down. I wish I could put a brick wall up, but this I can't do, I still need to see, I still need to feel like i'm in control, even though most days this is not the case.

thank You

this week every morning i wake up and benji is not here, so i've gotten the kids off to school, most days the clock is ticking way to fast, and i'm reminding the kids to keep moving, but i'm so thankful that he's working, i'm so thankful that You have provided a way. i'm so thankful you have given us everything we need. with Christmas around the corner, it feels so good to know that this year there is peace, a calm, that only You could have given. yes benji has lost another route, but we know it's going to be o.k, because we know You make it o.k., thank you for giving me a hard woking husband, that i've missed this week while he works those long hours, and at times i've felt a little lonely, but I know that we have everything we need, and sometimes we just have to do more, taking the time for each other, giving to each other in ways we need. my heart is with him, a heart you have given me, so i ask today You bless him, You protect him, and You pave the way for him to have all that he needs, give him that peace, open that door, bless him far greater then he's ever seen, give him wisdom in all that he does. no he's not perfect, niether am i, and times i wonder, we don't do all that we should, we don't give all that we could, but yet You do, with no strings attatched, help us have a heart like Yours, to open our eyes beyond our own walls. Thank You is what i've come to say today, for our lives, for our kids, for our health, for all that we have, thank you that we have it all in You.

Why am I suprised? because You always know, You always make a path, that leads and directs, that makes a way to build, to allow people to enter into my life, that needed that friend. A person to trust, a person to listen. It always amazes me, that when you stop and really listen, someone has a story, a need. That if you give a little of your time, to "be there", it's worth more then any gift that could be given. Life is way more then about me, I'm not the only one who has tribulations, I'm not the only one who is feeling lonely, I'm not the only one who hungers for more. I see those steps now, that first "hi", those words you spoke through me, "i'm your friend, if you need anything i am here", that small group I decided to do, but didn't understand why?, it's to get me here, her here, to know that she has a friend, to trust, no judgement, a real friend, through You, allowing me to be used, so why do I always sit here so amazed at who You are? Because that is who You are, full of those great suprises, full of Hope, full of Love, You know way more then I can ever, You see when I am not looking, and You build when I have laid down the tools. Thank you, for using me, why me, I'll never know, sometimes I don't feel worthy, but to show a little peice of who You are, I am here Lord, use me however you want.