i miss us

my house is a mess, the laundry over flowing, and we're having pizza delivered again. i can't seem to get it together, i'm just not meant to do this all alone. i've never been the best at keeping the house cleaned, but i did it, i've been known to let the laundry overflow, but usually it's easier then it has been. weeks are going by, and it's not getting easier, it seems to be getting harder. i miss you, i just don't feel like myself with out you, you're my better half, my motivator, the person i want to keep the house (somewhat) clean for, have your laundry ready for you makes me feel better, cooking dinner for you puts a smile on my face, tho sometimes it's hidden under the idea of having to do it. these long hours your working, are leaving me feeling alone, unlike myself. i just want to enjoy this house, our kids, our life with you, but with you missing from the picture, it takes away the joy in it. i know i have 5 other people to please, to make happy, but this is our life together, and together it hasn't been. i hate that you miss the stories, and that some nights i'm so tired, i let video games, and t.v. parent for me. i hate that goodbye's are coming more often then those wonderful hello's. i hate that i wake up in the morning and your gone, and i climb into an empty bed, and shut my eyes with out that perfect kiss goodnight. i hate that i cried on the phone, and you had to say sorry, i hate that i'm not strong enough to be your support, that your working and feeling guilty, when your making life so much easier on me, and i'm making it so much harder on you. i wish i could be that women that can do it all, but for so many years we've made a great team, a perfect team, when i'm weak you become strong, and when you feel broken, i've pick up the pieces, giving them back to you when your strength has returned. i like that i need you, and i enjoy that you need me, that together we make us. with out us, i'm lost. i know it's only a little longer, and i know i'll make it through, but something i've grown to realize this life isn't as great and wonderful with out you, my nights aren't as complete with out you next to me, with out you filling that empty seat at the dinner table, on the couch as we watch our favorite shows, on your pillow that is often empty when i head to bed. i miss you! you make me better, and lately i haven't felt my best.

growing

I can't believe the difference between the beginning of the school year and today, even just in the past couple of months. You want to try new things, that you could have cared less about in the past. When i woke up today and you had gotten yourself dressed all by yourself, I knew today, that you are becoming way more independent. You've always wanted me to do things for you, but lately you have stepped up and believed in yourself more. You wanted to help cook dinner the other night with daddy, asking what you could do to help, I almost fell over when i heard those words coming out of your mouth. You've always been about playing, having a good time, wanting no big boy responsibilities, but how that has changed. You want to learn, write, share your new knowledge, and how I love to hear what you say, how i love to watch you try new things, what can i say, i'm in love! just look at what a big boy you have become.

daddy daughter dance

I'm not sure there's anything sweeter then a daddy daughter date night. Leighton was so excited, she hid the dress from Benji, until the night of the dance. She wanted her hair done, a little bit of make up on, and a night just about her and daddy.

just o.k.

i just want to give my daughter a good birthday party, surrounded by the people she loves. just a simple family birthday party, where laughs, and love fill the room....

but already it is not what it is,

phone calls, texts, preparing for the day, have left me wondering "what went wrong"

my family is not as strong as it use to be, divorced parents, make things a little tricky. I thought since i was older it would be easier, but already before a foot walks through my door, i feel the tension, the uneasiness. 

"is your mom going to be there" do you remember when mom lit up your world? when she was the love of your life?

just can't it be, leighton's day, with out heart ache, she doesn't understand. just mi-mi and pa-pa is all she wants,


thank God for my sisters, great aunts, who yes are busy, who yes i wish i got to see more, who i wish got to see my kids more, but they are my sisters, my greatest supporters, understanders, were in this together, listening and loving, and I know if i or my kids needed anything they would be here. always and forever my true best friends in this life, who see me for me, in all that i am, no hiding no pretending, i don't have to be strong, they love me no matter what, they don't expect anything, but me.


maybe it will be good, ( i really feeling like laughing here) because good now really just means maybe it will be just o.k. we'll make it through, maybe we won't feel the big elephant in the room, the smiles, the pretending, the space.

it's just new, even though it feels it's been a while, but a simple day, that use to happen all the time, it's not so simple anymore.


i miss simple

ladybug

 3.18.01

9 years

I remember singing "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away" when you were a tiny baby, an exploring one year old, a full of life two year old, through the years you became, an imaginative 3 year old, an inquisitive 4 year old,  a beautiful 5 year old, a caring 6 year old, a striving to be your best 7 year old, and a compassionate and goofy 8 year old, each year of your life has marked some characteristic you have picked up along the way. I've seen God in you, shining through, developing you into a little women. As you turn 9, I can't wait to see what new character shines through you. I love that little song, with such big words, speaking to my heart. When  ever I hear it, it reminds me of this little baby, turning into a young lady, that brought so much sunshine into my life, you lit up my life the day you were born, and you still bring this shine every where you go. You are such a gift, a joy, our little ladybug.

 

"Insist on yourself, never imitate"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson