An open heart

can i just be honest, being a mother is hard, being a wife is emotional, and trying to always get things right, and be the best at my job can be exhausting. I second guess every decision i make, wondering will i be the one that screws my kids up, will they turn around and blame me when they get older for why they have some short comings? i'm always trying to be the good wife, understanding, loving, giving Benji what he needs, but i always feel i'm not enough, which is why i have to release the idea of being enough, i will never be enough, i will never be all that i want to be, i have to let HIM, be what i can't, i can't do it on my own, i'm not good enough with out His love and guidance leading me. but still i struggle, still i fall, still i try to be.....


i want my kids to look back and say, i was a good mother, not just she did her best for what she knew, i want them to feel what i try to be for them, in all ways everyday. i fail many times, i get caught up in my needs thinking i need to get away, i need things for me, and forget that what i am right now, is what God has called me to be, a mom, a wife, an example of His great love, but i forget to let Him be, let Him speak, how stupid it is to try to represent God with out letting him have His place. to say what He is, but not show who He is.

yes there is a time to rebuild myself, to step outside of what i am, to replenish, to do things for me, but only with the intentions of coming back stronger to be what i am called to be at this very time.

i read this scripture today, and i love it, it represents the very heart i have, of the truth of what He wants for my house

It takes wisdom to have a good family
and it takes understanding to make it strong.
It takes knowledge to fill a home
with rare and beautiful treasures.
                                   proverbs 24:3-4

i can't do it with out His wisdom, in all ways i need to seek Him first, and ask questions, is this what you want for my kids, how can i love them more, how can i make sure they will see you through this, when i'm yelling or feeling insecure, how does that represent you, i have to stop and remember that these are not souly my kids, they are His first, the way I love my husband, is it right before His eyes, is it the way He wants me to love benji, and the only way I will know is to ask for His great wisdom, His knowledge of knowing better then me.
one thing i often struggle with is understanding, understanding means way more then i know, it's stepping back sometime and offering true compassion, seeing things through others eyes, and His ways, it's understanding with a humbleness that only He can give, I can' t be what He wants me to be with out understanding His love and His ways, more then my own. It's feeling what maybe my kids, or husband is feeling above myself. And with His knowledge, and allowing Him to teach, being a student instead of thinking of myself as the ruler, the leader, what I think is right, it's stepping down from my own platform i built for myself, and surrendering it to Him, so I can see that the rare and beautiful treasures that fill my home, are not the stuff I fill it with, but the people He has given me. In each way, my husband is a rare treasure designed perfectly by God. Brennan, Leighton, Hayden, Cohen and Ashlyn, are His greatest beautiful treasures He has given me, that make my home full.

Today, and everyday that I am blessed to live on this earth, i pray i will remember to seek His wisdom, His understanding, His knowledge, to see the true, rare and beautiful treasures that fill my house that makes it so, so good.

"it's good"  (in the voice of Jim Carey playing bruce almighty)