enough to get by

i don't want to do anything, i think from going and going i just want to do nothing. it's pretty bad when 3 of my kids say they are out of underwear! but hey i've got that load in the laundry now. summer really has a hold on me, the laziness part anyway. i feel i'm just in survival mode. clean the dishes so we have something to eat on, do the laundry so we have something to wear, yell at the kids so they will listen for the next 5 minutes. but where is my structure, i lost it the minute school let out. i'm not a yeller, i mean i can be, but not like this. my kids at least have had underware, because i buy them like 50 pairs because i know me, and laundry and me are not the best of friends, but to run out of those 50 underwears, this is not me. come on. i know i'm here, i've even asked myself is it because i don't have a baby, i mean with a baby you have to be scheduled, feedings, nappings, playtime, but as these kids get bigger they get more independent, and i'm finding that my daily routines don't matter so much, but my house is falling apart, yet i don't seem to care, only usually when i have people coming over, which might explain why we haven't had friends over in so long! i want to spend time with my kids, but i don't think they want to spend time with me, they want each other! or friends, they use to need me to entertain them, even Ashlyn has started requesting Leighton. but a little bit of me doesn't mind, i mean i've been doing this baby thing for 10 years now, not a break inbetween, i think it's o.k to let go a little bit, don't get me wrong, i'm never letting go! but i would be totally fine if my kids wanted to take over everything i hated, the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning, i could just do the rest. the rewarding stuff. so maybe i'm in another world right now, in crazy world!, but soon i'm going to step back into my place, slowly, i'll catch up, maybe it won't be till that bus comes and picks up a few, but it'll happen. i mean you have to have clean underware to go to school!