what to do?

I opened my email today, and notice that someone wanted to be my friend, not just anyone, the biological father, the man i've see only a handful of times in my whole life. it's complicated, and brings with it unknown feelings, a little anxiety, and fear.

if you don't know this about me, i don't usually share much, because my whole life i've had a dad, a great dad, my dad. I've never felt i was missing anything, or needed to know this other man, i've been given chances, i could have had a releationship with him at anytime, but never felt the need to, my dad (paul) is my dad, and i never wanted anything more, nor would i have wanted him to feel replaced for all he has given me.

let me explain a little better, it's complicated, my mom had 2 kids with this dave guy, me and my older sister, they divorced she remarried my dad paul, and he took over full fatherhood over me and my sister I was a little under 2, and they had 3 more kids together.  my dad (when talking about my dad it is always paul, the only way i refer to the other guy is by dave or my biological father, and honestly i don't even like giving him that) adopted us officially when I was in 6th grade, i never knew he wasn't my father until I was about this age, I signed my name with pauls last name, the school allowed this at the time, even though it wasn't my real last name at the time.

it's even more complicated then that, dave is my uncle bob's brother, so 2 sisters( my mom and my aunt) married 2 brothers( my biological father, and my uncle), so I've always known an uncle dave from my cousins, and those cousins lived right next door to us growing up. dave was even fishing buddies with my dad, and my uncles, crazy huh? so I knew of him, and had no idea he was really "my dad". sorry if your not following!

so with all that said, it would have been very easy to know this man, and my parents even would  have allowed it, but from my understanding he could have cared less, when I was a baby he basically told my mom, he didn't even ever want us, and she moved on. (there's way more drama then I can even begin to explain)

I remember the first day of 6th grade sitting in a classroom full of new faces, because I was now in middle school, and the teacher doing roll call, Keri Reese, she called out, no one answered, Keri Reese again she called, no one answered, for a split second I was like wow anther Keri in my class, and wondered who she was, then it dawned on me I was Keri Reese, I slid my hand up, feeling embarrassed that all the other kids thought i was some kind of an idiot that didn't know my own  name, in my head I was Keri Guetschow, i'll never forget how hard it was to start signing my name Keri Reese, this school would not allow me to sign Guestchow. it was like at that moment I became a whole new person with a whole new identity, but still feeling like I was who I had know my whole life.

in the middle of 6th grade, dave had been contacting my parents, wanting to see us girls, he was a changed man, my parents sat us down and asked if we would like to see him, we said yes, we were curious after all we had heard great things about uncle dave, from my cousins. it was awkward meeting him, and it didn't last, sure enough it ended over a fight my parents had with him, and before I knew it, we were in a lawyers office getting officially adopted by my dad. I was once again a true Guetschow. and I had the best dad!!!

fast forward my 18th birthday when I legally could see this man again, he started to call, wanted to get to know me more, my sister mindy was already in contact with him, he had bought her a car and promised to do the same for me. (i wanted the car!!, my parents were in no position to get me something like this) I never realized how that decision of seeing him again maybe a couple of times would hurt my parents, and that he could give me something they could not, looking back I regret this decision, they gave me way more then this guy ever could, years later, he filed bankruptcy on the car, stop making payments, never told me,  and now because my name was linked to the car, had bankruptcy on my credit report and the car got repossessed, we had already taken over the payments because the bank had called us, but for some reason the car still got repossessed we did get it back a big misunderstanding. (sorry to much info)

I really haven't seen him since then, here iand there at family functions, like my anut or uncles bdays, but for the most part it stopped, I remember running into him at a family function and I had brennan a baby and he held him (plus brennan has always resembled him a bit) and he called himself grandpa to him, that made me so mad.

so here we are today, do I except this man to be my friend on facebook with him knowing me through my most precious pictures of my kids, my life,  what would God want me to do?? is my biggest question, He wrote and I quote in his friend request message "Hi keri, it's dave, I would love to start communicating with you I'm hoping this is the way to start" It's just facebook, but what are the new expectations if I except this friend, will more be asked? God please help me.

I know he is a hurting man right now, he just lost the only son he knew, my step brother i guess, (through another marriage he had, I didn't know this boy, I met him once)  he was my age, and I know now he has no-one, but I can't be his new some-one.

and add drugs, and other stuff into his lifestlye, it's way more complicated then any post would allow me to write, not sure where he's at in life right now, maybe he's got his stuff together, but I am 31 years old, isn't it too late, or is the question is it ever to late?

I'm official...

over the past few months, i have been working on becoming an official business (by the state of Mo), and when my checks came in the mail from my business account, i got a bit overwhelmed, with pressure and emotion. i am official in every way recognized as a real business, a company.

one part of me can't believe i'm really here, another part is fear, fear of the unknown, fear of failure..stupid fear.

but at the same time, i feel proud, i feel happy, a little of shock, that i stepped out, that i believed in me.

I feel like st. louis weather, a little up and down, highs and lows, you never know what your going to get.

but i like it here, i'm in  a good place, each step is a step to new grounds, it's a journey. my journey.