an unknown question, with a clear answer

hey open heart, where are you? i feel as though i can't figure out what my own heart wants right now, like my feelings are off, it's weird nothings bugging me, nothings making me unhappy, yet there is this longing, this constant, unhappieness so to say, that i need more, that i'm not doing all that i should be, but there is no answer, no heart crying out, longing for that something. instead i sit here a little confused, wondering did i shut myself off, did i train this heart to block somethings, and now i can't hear it all? am i so busy right now that i'm missing the clearest signs? I have no answers, and yet no questions that could directly lead me to finding the answers, just here, living this week, day in and day out, not feeling fulfilled, not feeling complete, or having the drive to get anywhere. Just a question of where do i go from here? Why my heart doesn't feel open, or filled, but instead borded up, with a lock on it, yet I don't understand how that board, or lock might have gotten there. I'm in a strange place, a place where I don't even understand me. Somethings not right, and I think that something is a someone...me, and there is only One who will answer, Who know's me better then myself, and i think it's time, I can't remove this, only He can, now it's just the time i let Him, time to let go, allow Him to show me what i'm holding on to, what it is that is blocking my way, I can't see, but He does, It's time to look through His eyes not my own, I have failed me, but He will not. The answer is Him, no matter what the question is, How will I make it today, by Him, How will this bill get paid, by Him, How will I forgive, by Him, How will i let go, by Him, no matter what the question is even the ones we don't know what we"re asking, everything is though Him and by Him.

dear husband,

if i could take the weight you carry i would. if i could fix things and make them so easy i would. i see how hard you work, and how hard you want to work. i see that things are tough because of others decisions, and how you honor them and do right, even when they do wrong by you. i'm praying for you, for a door to open, for a gift from Him. i know He has great plans for you, i know this isn't all. I know He has always taken care of us, and that is why you keep going, knowing that He always provides. we have never gone with out, just as we have all that we need now, but i'm believing for more, so the stress isn't there, so the wondering if we'll get by tomorrow will go away. i believe in you, by and through Him. you are His, and so i don't worry, knowing that He is in control. i know how much you want to give to us, how much more you wish you could give, but know that you are enough for me, forever and always. our family is perfect, everything i have, is because of you, i know i'm always wanting more, and wishing i could have all these things, but they are nothing with out you, it's you, i love, it's who you are, your love that you give, no-one loves me, or see's me the way you do. i love our life, that you have provided us. thank you for all that you do, thank you for all that you are, and thank you for being a better man then i ever dreamed of. who would have thought two 15 year olds, would have come this far, and this strong. we have so much to be thankful for, and right now that's all i am, thankful for you.

just a bubble on the road

sometimes i get in my own bubble, a comfortable spot, for awhile. a place where i hide, just to be whoever i want to be. no-one to see me, no-one to judge me. and for a little bit i like it, i like being able to control my thoughts, to allow myself to feel anything i please. to focus on what i'm doing at the moment, i get lost, and i forget, but at some point loneliness comes back, and finds it's way back in. and i begin to wonder, is it worth it? it never is. i guess we're created to be together. to share in all lives experience, the good, the great, the bad, and the ugly. i can share the good, and it's so easy to share the great, the bad is do-able, but the ugly, i keep it all mine. even though it's the one that i would love to pass, to get rid of, to never see again. but all is apart, of this life i live. so here i've been in this bubble, enjoying up to this point, but i guess it's time to pop, time to move, time to release. somewhere along this road i've been traveling, i picked up new pieces, and i've let old ones go, i've picked up some new wonderful things, some unexpected, and some that i shouldn't have, i've let go of things holding me back, some that i wish i could find again, and some i have no idea when they left. i need to go back, pick up those things i shouldn't have lost of myself, and trade them in for the pieces, i shouldn't have exchanged with. but you can't go back, i can't redo. i just have to hope somewhere along this road, i can keep moving, get outside of this bubble, and i can let go again, and pick up greater things. i have to hope that my roads cross with the ones i love the most, and that at points i'll allow them to walk with me, and at others, i'm strong enough to walk alone. i just need courage, to release, to be free. to be who i was truly designed to be. to feel, alive, and apart. to just be a free, open hearted, person along this road that is only my own, in this life that was molded at these moments, just for me. but my feet are stopped, i can't seem to move. maybe tomorrow.....

Im (not) doing my best

last night i was thinking about Hayden, being the middle child, often content, the kid that gets in the least trouble, the kid that can go unnoticed for a day. i started thinking, how he's the true middle child, doesn't need a lot of attention, because the other kids seem to get it all. Brennan being the oldest, gets the most responsibility, often getting the most praise in the family for being a good big brother, a good student, a leader. Leighton, being the second, but first girl, tends to be my side kick, and our little mother hen. She loves to cook with daddy, and help out with her little sister and brothers. plus with difficulty in school in the past, gets lots of praise now that she's doing so good. Cohen with all his medical/skin/allergy problems takes up a lot of our time, conversations, and prayers. Ashlyn being the baby, usually has everyone's full attention, and if she doesn't she will find a way to steal it, by being a typical 2 year old in all ways. So i was thinking about Hayden how he get the butt end so to say, I don't think i've written about him in a blog, i know he prefers to play with his brother and sisters, just content with being in the family. i thought, man i'm not doing my job right trying to make sure he know's he has his place, but then i started making excuses, he the one that doesn't care, he's the one that needs me the less, he's the one that wants to play and doesn't care if he has are undevided attention, he likes just being here. that led me to think i have 5 kids, i can only do so much, i'm doing my best, but as soon as i uttered those words, i knew how wrong i was, i got convicted right there on the spot, as if God heard those words (which i'm pretty sure he did) and said "really your best?" The week came flooding back, was i my best when i lost my patients with Leighton, was i the best when i yelled at my kids, was i my best when i didn't give Brennan the chance to explain, was i my best when i got frustrated with Cohen about screaming in the bath, and the only reason why he screamed was because he says his skin burns him. was i my best when ashlyn was throwing that tantrom? and of course am i best right now, because Hayden's not sticking out in my mind at all, about the past week, except him playing video games, and playing with his sisters/brother, or fighting with Cohen, but that puts more attention on Cohen them himself. No i haven't been giving this life my best, and don't the kids deserve the best of me. doesn't my husband deserve the best of me. "i'm doing my best" is an excuse to not face the reality of who I am. it's a poor excuse, God only gives us what we can handle, and didn't he give me 5 kids?, a husband?, a family?, friends?, so i'm more then capable of giving my best to all of them. I had to say i'm sorry, sorry for not doing my best, for not asking for His help to be my best, the problem, i was doing my best, but with out Him, on my own, and that is a dangerous place to be at. I can only be my best, with Him guiding and leading, helping, and encouraging. Living the way He has shown. I can only say I'm doing my best, when He is apart, when i allow Him to have control over my emotions, my actions, my thoughts. When i give Him me as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and surrender complete control and say "do as you want with me, make me your best" I don't want to be my best, it has to be His best. So i know as a middle child myself, i can say that one day Hayden will notice that the others outshined him, that he may with hold his own feelings, for the sake of others, and often feel alone, desserted, and forgotten about, due to that fact that i as a mother, just think he's the easy child, that he's o.k., that he can handle things better, because he's the strong one in the family. My mom always told me it's not that i don't care about you, i'm proud of you, your stronger then the rest, it's just that your sister needs me more. I wish she only knew how wrong that statement was, i saw that my sister needed her, but i also saw a lonely heart in myself, watching my mothers attention go to someone else, when i needed it to, maybe not in the way she was giving it to her, but in a way that's all my own. which is why i think i found the love of my life at such a young age, because i needed someone to set me apart, to love just me the way i longed for. but here i am today doing the same to my own kid, but luckily, He let me see, Hayden needs me in his own way, just as the other kids need me. thankfully He let me see i'm not my best, but with Him i can be. i'm more than sorry, for my behavior this past week, and from as far back as i can remember, i fell short, but He's picking me up, letting me see that I'm not doing my best, but today is a new day, the light was turned on and i can see, i'm seeing with new eyes, and hopefully I can stand before Him, in full confidence that I am doing my best.

hands

i've always wanted to get my kids handprints and use them as art around my house, it is way to hard to get a two year olds hand print, what was i thinking. i thought about scratching the whole thing, and starting over, but hey i got 4 out of 5 pretty good hands, and doesn't that 2 year old handprint represent a 2 year old. so for know, this project i got myself into on this lazy, boring, Saturday will just have to do, i know one day, i'll wish these tiny hands were the ones that i sill held. so i think i'm going to keep it just the way it is, just the way my life is, the truth, with a messy two year old filling our house, just perfectly her. each handprint perfect on it's own. my kids.

school here we come!

Leighton came home from school yesterday with an application to become an "Ambassador of Character" which means she is saying she is going to set herself apart from the other kids, and set a good example on how to behave, having a positive attitude, and to be someone to look up to. She has to get nominated by 3 adults at her school, which she says she knows the 3. I know the three too, and trust me she'll have no problem getting nominated. I am so proud of her that she wants to set herself apart, make right choices, and set examples to other kids. Isn't that what we've been instilling in her? Another part of the questioner is who do you admire, and why do you admire this person, she choose me. my heart just melted! i know it's easy at this age to choose a parent, but she said she choose me because i set lots of good examples for her. I am just so blessed to have such a sweet daughter, God really does give you the best!

I always said, if your going to put your kids in school, any school, as a parent we should be involved. We'll I has signed up to be head room mother in Hayden's class this year, but put only if no-one else wanted to sign up. I got a phone call last night that someone else did sign up, but that the teacher has requested me, writing "yes, love her, she's great" on the paper, so they wanted to offer it to me first. I sat there on the phone dumbfounded that the teacher would write that, it touched me so much. She was Brennan's kindergarten teacher, so we do know each other, but only through class parties, and parent teacher meetings, but that from this she wrote those words.

I guess the whole reason for me writing this blog was to say, how much we can and do impact people's lives. How there is always opportunities, to show God to people, even when they might not know it's Him your showing. but by living the life by example, it causes people to know that you are set apart. I know that Leighton and I are going to make a difference in this school. I know Brennan and Hayden will too. And it causes people to ask, what are they doing right. people ask me all the time, how i have such sweet kids, we'll the credit goes to Him, he made them, and has given me the right words, and tools on so many occasions to be a good parent, and when i have fallen short He has forgiven me, and helped me use my own life to show my kids, how we fall short, but He always loves and forgives.

So watch out school here we come, determined to make a difference in anyway we can. We come to show His love, by loving and excepting His people just the way they are, not running from them, to shield are kids, but to be where He has placed us, in your lives, hoping we make connections, and reveal His love by these connections.

at what ever cost

today brennan came home from a friends house, after spending the night and going to a birthday party, and something about him just wasn't right. so i asked him if everything was all right, he said yes. but something in me said there was something wrong. i asked again did something happen, he still said no, but he looked like he was going to cry. i persisted, brennan do you promise nothing is wrong, and he said yes. but still i knew something wasn't right, i know my child, maybe more so, God knew my child. so i stepped into him, grabbed his face with two hands, in a loving manner, and looked him in they eye, brennan if something is wrong, or you did something you can tell me anything. i promise i won't get mad, i love you, just tell me what is wrong. he broked down into tears and said, kids were making fun of him, my heart sank, he said and he stuck up for himself and called her names back. i know this isn't most people response, and maybe it wasn't right, but i said give me a high five, this stunned him. i said at what ever cost you stick up for yourself. see i believe that kids need to know it's o.k to stick up for themselves, to defend who they are, especially boys, they need to defend thier honor so to say(read wild at heart by John elderidge, not sure that's spelled right,and you may understand this a little more) then i asked him if he got into trouble, he said that an older girl came over, the kids cousin he had thought, and told him to stop, he tried to defend himself that she had been making fun of him too, but the girl had lied, and said she didn't say anything. i asked what was said, he said he couldn't remember. still crying at this point, and i almost was too, i told him that even though standing up for yourself is right, you can do it in a rightful way. by just saying i don't care what you say, or just leave me alone. I told him, if he hadn't made fun of her back, that he wouldn't have had to be corrected. that she couldn't have lied, and that we can make right choices with still standing up for ourselves. I told him that we choose to let people get to us, and if we choose to not let someone, we don't even know, bother us, they can't. but i also told him that it still hurts, words hurt. i went on to tell him when i was a kid, people made fun of me, and that people are going to mean, they are going to make fun, and we are going to get hurt, but that we can choose to do right, and try not letting them get to us. i told him a few stories about when i was a kid, and tried to relate to where he was at. I hugged him, told him how much i loved him, and that he can tell me anything no matter what, not to bottle things up, not to deal with things alone. i told him that no matter what he does, i will love him, no matter what, that he's going to make mistakes, he going to make wrong choices, but i know this, but we love him no matter what, we'll always love him, he can't do something to take that away, ever. after our conversation, we changed, he changed, he started talking to me, and hanging out with me. we played war (the card game) and i listened to his stories. i found out that he had made right choices while he was at his friends house, that this kids mother had told his friend (her child) to become more like brennan, i asked him why she said that, he told his friends they should help her carry things in, she was bringing in stuff from the car, and he had offered their services to help her. a few minutes later, he said he had gotten two dollars from his mom, for being honest. him and his friend were playing with a ball, and it knocked down some things from her shelves and broke, so he told his friend they needed to tell her what happened, she gave him the money for being honest. I don't know if this lady knows it, but i believe she showed God to my son, and when i get a chance i will thank her. I thank God for taking care of my son, when i am not around. using people to teach His love. how doing the right thing makes a difference. i thank God for putting that sence that something wasn't right, and allowing brennan to open up. i could have given up, but my kids are not worth given up on! i'm not sharing this to brag, after all i did give him a high five, but to share that our kids need us, they need us to pry, to question, to listen, to love no matter what. they need to know we are here to help and guide them.they need to know we relate to their lives, they need sucurity. they need to know it's o.k to make mistakes, that we don't expect them to be perfect, though sometimes our expectations tell them other wise. we need to pray, that God is always taking care of them, protecting, loving, rewarding. they need us.