Im (not) doing my best

last night i was thinking about Hayden, being the middle child, often content, the kid that gets in the least trouble, the kid that can go unnoticed for a day. i started thinking, how he's the true middle child, doesn't need a lot of attention, because the other kids seem to get it all. Brennan being the oldest, gets the most responsibility, often getting the most praise in the family for being a good big brother, a good student, a leader. Leighton, being the second, but first girl, tends to be my side kick, and our little mother hen. She loves to cook with daddy, and help out with her little sister and brothers. plus with difficulty in school in the past, gets lots of praise now that she's doing so good. Cohen with all his medical/skin/allergy problems takes up a lot of our time, conversations, and prayers. Ashlyn being the baby, usually has everyone's full attention, and if she doesn't she will find a way to steal it, by being a typical 2 year old in all ways. So i was thinking about Hayden how he get the butt end so to say, I don't think i've written about him in a blog, i know he prefers to play with his brother and sisters, just content with being in the family. i thought, man i'm not doing my job right trying to make sure he know's he has his place, but then i started making excuses, he the one that doesn't care, he's the one that needs me the less, he's the one that wants to play and doesn't care if he has are undevided attention, he likes just being here. that led me to think i have 5 kids, i can only do so much, i'm doing my best, but as soon as i uttered those words, i knew how wrong i was, i got convicted right there on the spot, as if God heard those words (which i'm pretty sure he did) and said "really your best?" The week came flooding back, was i my best when i lost my patients with Leighton, was i the best when i yelled at my kids, was i my best when i didn't give Brennan the chance to explain, was i my best when i got frustrated with Cohen about screaming in the bath, and the only reason why he screamed was because he says his skin burns him. was i my best when ashlyn was throwing that tantrom? and of course am i best right now, because Hayden's not sticking out in my mind at all, about the past week, except him playing video games, and playing with his sisters/brother, or fighting with Cohen, but that puts more attention on Cohen them himself. No i haven't been giving this life my best, and don't the kids deserve the best of me. doesn't my husband deserve the best of me. "i'm doing my best" is an excuse to not face the reality of who I am. it's a poor excuse, God only gives us what we can handle, and didn't he give me 5 kids?, a husband?, a family?, friends?, so i'm more then capable of giving my best to all of them. I had to say i'm sorry, sorry for not doing my best, for not asking for His help to be my best, the problem, i was doing my best, but with out Him, on my own, and that is a dangerous place to be at. I can only be my best, with Him guiding and leading, helping, and encouraging. Living the way He has shown. I can only say I'm doing my best, when He is apart, when i allow Him to have control over my emotions, my actions, my thoughts. When i give Him me as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and surrender complete control and say "do as you want with me, make me your best" I don't want to be my best, it has to be His best. So i know as a middle child myself, i can say that one day Hayden will notice that the others outshined him, that he may with hold his own feelings, for the sake of others, and often feel alone, desserted, and forgotten about, due to that fact that i as a mother, just think he's the easy child, that he's o.k., that he can handle things better, because he's the strong one in the family. My mom always told me it's not that i don't care about you, i'm proud of you, your stronger then the rest, it's just that your sister needs me more. I wish she only knew how wrong that statement was, i saw that my sister needed her, but i also saw a lonely heart in myself, watching my mothers attention go to someone else, when i needed it to, maybe not in the way she was giving it to her, but in a way that's all my own. which is why i think i found the love of my life at such a young age, because i needed someone to set me apart, to love just me the way i longed for. but here i am today doing the same to my own kid, but luckily, He let me see, Hayden needs me in his own way, just as the other kids need me. thankfully He let me see i'm not my best, but with Him i can be. i'm more than sorry, for my behavior this past week, and from as far back as i can remember, i fell short, but He's picking me up, letting me see that I'm not doing my best, but today is a new day, the light was turned on and i can see, i'm seeing with new eyes, and hopefully I can stand before Him, in full confidence that I am doing my best.