In the eyes of Joseph

I was sitting in church on Christmas eve, and they were doing this skit, with Mary and Joseph, the skit got me thinking, not because it was the greatest skit, but seeing Joseph made my mind wonder. What it would have been like to be Joseph, holding God's son, taking care of him. I wondered if he was doubting himself, if everytime he did something, was he nervous, I mean this is God's son. When Jesus hit his 2's and starting walking, and fell the first time, maybe scratched his knee, or bumbed his head, did he feel bad that he hadn't watched God's son good enough, I wondered the pressure he may of had, trying to be right before God. I wondered did Jesus throw fits, I mean he was sinless, so was Jesus the perfect child that did nothing wrong, or is a two year old a two year old, and does God even hold a two year old accountable for his actions, there for Jesus could have thrown fits. Did Jesus push his limits, and if so everytime he pushed them was Joseph scared to do wrong or dicipline, in the eyes of God, after all it is God's son. I just thought of the extra pressure he might of had, when Jesus cried, did Joseph get frustrated, then feel guilty about his thoughts, being in charge of God's son. Did Joseph have a fear of God, trying to do right at all times, speaking a calm way, loving extra, checking his actions to make sure God would be pleased. As these thoughts were in my head, a new thought came to my mind, isn't Brennan God's son, Leighton his daughter, Hayden and Cohen His son's, and my two year old who causes me to fail as a parent many days, His daughter. Aren't we all His children, shouldn't I have the same fears I was thinking Joseph may have had? Conviction came on me, last night as I was still pondering all these thoughts. My children are God's, to raise the way He would want, to guide them to His love, shouldn't I have the same fears? My children are borrowed, they are not my own, they belong to Him, I will have to stand before God on account of my mothering. I know this has changed my thinking, when I speak to my children, I should ask, am I doing right before you, If i'm having "one of those days", I should ask God for His grace, and always wonder am I doing your will, am I taking care, the best care I can of your son's and daughters. I pray I always think this way, that I live my life, as I would think Joseph did, and Mary did caring for the son of God, Questioning how to love and care for these gifts.

glass

i try to pretend, i try to ignore, but things just build up. i see that wall in front of me, but it's not made of brick, it's glass, i can see through it still, and some can see in. it's enough to let people see me, but not enough to let them in. i feel safe with the glass, i get to choose what i keep on the other side, but i fear, with one hard blow it's going to come crashing down, and break into a million pieces. I fear even more that a tiny rock, will but a crack in it, then causing it to come crashing down. I wish I could put a brick wall up, but this I can't do, I still need to see, I still need to feel like i'm in control, even though most days this is not the case.

thank You

this week every morning i wake up and benji is not here, so i've gotten the kids off to school, most days the clock is ticking way to fast, and i'm reminding the kids to keep moving, but i'm so thankful that he's working, i'm so thankful that You have provided a way. i'm so thankful you have given us everything we need. with Christmas around the corner, it feels so good to know that this year there is peace, a calm, that only You could have given. yes benji has lost another route, but we know it's going to be o.k, because we know You make it o.k., thank you for giving me a hard woking husband, that i've missed this week while he works those long hours, and at times i've felt a little lonely, but I know that we have everything we need, and sometimes we just have to do more, taking the time for each other, giving to each other in ways we need. my heart is with him, a heart you have given me, so i ask today You bless him, You protect him, and You pave the way for him to have all that he needs, give him that peace, open that door, bless him far greater then he's ever seen, give him wisdom in all that he does. no he's not perfect, niether am i, and times i wonder, we don't do all that we should, we don't give all that we could, but yet You do, with no strings attatched, help us have a heart like Yours, to open our eyes beyond our own walls. Thank You is what i've come to say today, for our lives, for our kids, for our health, for all that we have, thank you that we have it all in You.

Why am I suprised? because You always know, You always make a path, that leads and directs, that makes a way to build, to allow people to enter into my life, that needed that friend. A person to trust, a person to listen. It always amazes me, that when you stop and really listen, someone has a story, a need. That if you give a little of your time, to "be there", it's worth more then any gift that could be given. Life is way more then about me, I'm not the only one who has tribulations, I'm not the only one who is feeling lonely, I'm not the only one who hungers for more. I see those steps now, that first "hi", those words you spoke through me, "i'm your friend, if you need anything i am here", that small group I decided to do, but didn't understand why?, it's to get me here, her here, to know that she has a friend, to trust, no judgement, a real friend, through You, allowing me to be used, so why do I always sit here so amazed at who You are? Because that is who You are, full of those great suprises, full of Hope, full of Love, You know way more then I can ever, You see when I am not looking, and You build when I have laid down the tools. Thank you, for using me, why me, I'll never know, sometimes I don't feel worthy, but to show a little peice of who You are, I am here Lord, use me however you want.

for you

My God I want to do what you want.

Your teachings are in my heart.

I will tell about your goodness in the great meeting of

your people.

Lord, you know my lips are not silent.

I do not hide your goodness in my heart;

I speak about your loyalty and salvation.

I do not hide your love and truth

from the people in the great meeting.

Lord, do not hold back your mercy from me;

let your love and truth always protect me;

Psalms 40:8-12

I don't know if lately I could honestly say all that I do is for You, I don't know if I can honestly say that all that I am is for You, but I read this, and remembered this is written like a song out of my own heart. A reminder that this is what I want to be, this is what I am created for, to do what you want. "Remember, God loves you just the way you are, but he refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to have a hope-filled heart.....just like Jesus"- Max Lucado. I know God loves me, for who I am right now, I speak of his goodness, his love, his loyality, so many times to those around me, but often forget to execpt the same for myself. But thankfully his teachings are close to my heart, and my heart is speaking the loudest right now, to do what He wants me to do, to do it for Him, to live for Him, to wait for Him, to mold me and make me who He wants me to be, thank You, that you love me the way that I am, that You see greater in me, that you refuse to leave me only this.

nothing sweeter

Leighton's "I am thankful" book (Bold is what Leighton filled in)

I am thankful for many things. I am thankful for the turkey I eat. I am thankful for the dress I wear. I am thankful for the house that i live in. I am thanful for the doll that I play with. I am thankful for the family that I love. I am thankful for the trees I see outside. I am thankful for God that I love most of all.


She did this at school, and when i turned the last page and saw that she filled in for "God that I love most of all", a few tears started to come down. What is it about when a child says something like that on their very own, that just makes your heart so full. What a sweet little girl, I know this had to make God's day, because it sure did make mine.

6 years. perfectly Hayden.

You are 6 today, as I wrote 6, I think I'm just now really realizing that you are 6! You are my little buddy, my little cuddle bug, my goofy child. Since the day you were born, you have been a mama's boy, longing for my hugs, my attention, my love. You have never been a needy child, just so full of love to give, yet also longing to recieve. At times, you stop everything you are doing to run up and give me that perfect hug and kiss. every day with out me asking you stop, come over for a minute, and just quietly lay your head on me, and say "i love you" You are just the sweetest little boy, so sensitive, so bright, so happy, and so full of personality. You crave attention, but not in an obnoxious way, in a quiet sort of way, just content to get your fill in this full house we live in. Another birthday has landed today, and what did you want, to wake up next to me, so I let you sleep in my bed, which is a huge treat, since i never let kids in the bed, but how could i resist, it was your birthday wish (though i didn't sleep very well) to wake up this morning, and hear you say "it's my birthday!".... and came flooding in the memories of your last 6 years. You were my easiest baby, so happy, so content, so joyful in everyway. You have this smile that makes your whole face smile, every expression you make is so full of you character, that character makes you who you are. the picture above says so much about you, talking, telling a story, being you, there's so much going on in that face of yours, it's one of the things I love most, to just sit and watch you talk, to see those big "black" eyes light up, that smile that curves so perfectly, those big cheeks, with the perfect dimple's placed inside. I love you so much, and I am so proud of you, so happy that you are mine. Yes in the last years you have stepped out and become more independent, have become more of a daddy's boy, wresteling, playing "war", doing what boys do, but there is something that I pray will always be, our connection, our story, our love. I love to watch you become a real boy, talking about things I can't begin to understand, but love to hear. I love to watch you put on your show for the family, trying to get the attention, the laughs, the encouragent to do more. I love to see you play with your brothers and sisters, longing to be bigger like Brennan, sneaking off to play with Leighton (playing house or something a boy "shouldn't" do),, playing with Cohen trying to prove that your the bigger one, older and wiser, and helping your little sister, holding her hand as she climbs those steps, or picking up that toy she demands you get. You have a very important place in our family, a perfect place! Your our middle child, and sometimes, with you.. being so easy and content, you get lost in the shuffle, but as I sit in think, it's a good thing to be you, at times being the middle is exactly where you like to be,  not on your own, but so much apart, in everyone's lives, in the middle of it all. I love you!