for all the little steps, that lead to great moments

Sometimes in life you know that you know that God has shown up, taken your hand and guided you when you needed it most.

Most of you know my dream was to become a "real" photographer, to step out and do it on my own. The dream was all answered that night a special someone (she wishes to remain anonymous, wanting the glory to only go to God) came to my house with much to my surprise bought me my first real camera, saying that God had asked her to do so, speaking over me to do what is with in my heart.  I'll never forget that moment, no one had ever done anything like this for me before, and thinking back on that night, tears I can no longer hold back, we were in no position at the time to buy myself my own camera, and I'm not sure if we were, if I would have believed this was something I could really do. With her encouragement and God's words through her, the seed was planted and I began to believe. I hope she knows that I will never forget that night, I will never forget the words she said (well maybe some, because I was in complete shock and think I went into black out mode for a little bit), and the dream she awoken inside of of me.

I don't know how long it really took from that moment to really start acting on this dream, but for a while that is what is was a dream sitting on shelf with in my heart.

I remember stalking photographers websites, observing there work, wishing I could do something like that, I remember  pictures of my boys that spoke so strongly to my heart, that I thought I could do this. I just remember how my heart longed for it, like it was a God given thing inside of me, crying to get out, but my problem was, and sometimes still is, I believe in God, his work, his words, it's just hard for me to believe in myself, I get easily discouraged, I doubt myself...another reason sometimes I know this is what I'm suppose to do.

This all lead up to a moment on facebook, a question to, at the moment was a friend from the past, I had been her facebook friend for a while, but for some reason didn't know what she had done for a living, until one day she posted pics of her new studio, it was amazing, it lead me to stalk her work too, and her work was and still amazing!! She has the most God given talent I have ever seen. I think I told her how amazing her work was, and how I had hoped to become a photographer, I asked her if I should go back to school and what ways should I go about learning to become a photographer, I had no idea how to work my camera, no idea about shutter speak, and f stops, and all the lingo that I can grasp now. I never forget what she said, why don't I come and visit her, a few days with a real photographer I would learn way more then sitting in classes for semesters. I never would have thought she would say that, and that the plans would actually come to pass.

So off I went to Milwaulkee, to see this past friend, who now is one of my dearest friends in the whole world, the famous Christine Plamann (as my kids call her) not just because she has given me everything I needed to start this passion of mine, not just because she shares the same passion as me, not just because she's the one I go to for all my photography questions, but because she's the most amazing friend, selfless, caring, and true to who she is. I've visited her a couple of times, and I've grown close to her kids, that I love like my own, she has the most amazing husband that I consider a friend to, they will forever be the reason I am where I am today. I couldn't be where I am with out the words of encouragement, seeing past the amateur work I did (and am still working on), gifts that I can't even begin to name, because she has given me way to many, the education behind my work,  the hours of time she has invested into me, I always want her to know how grateful I am, how blessed I feel because of her! She is a gift from God.

I even got to take pics of her family, for her to teach me some new tricks about lighting, and I love the images



I love this family, like they are my own, I love that I see God in them, I see his words. My words will never be enough to tell them how much I appreciate everything they have done, but I pray that God will do more then enough for them.

So here I sit with this dream stronger then ever, but the only thing is it's awake, no longer sitting on a shelf inside my heart, it's active, alive, and on a mission. And all the glory goes to God!! With each step, each person He has chosen to speak, I sit here in awe of how He works, sometimes subtle, sometimes very clear, which ever way He chooses, I pray I hear and listen. I pray that I can give back the way I've been given, I pray that my work, my passion is in every one of my pictures, that in some little or even big way, a picture snapped, hung on a wall, displayed in all ways, points back to Him, and the beauty He has made in every moment.

raining with emotions

Blah, that is how I feel about today..

the rain didn't add to a much yucky feeling day, 

I don't have much to say, yet so much stuck inside, words are not here at the moment, soon the sun will shine again, and I will to, it's not just the rain, so much more, but this gloomy day doesn't help with this gloomy mood

So tomorrow, Is another day, here's to a good nights rest, and a better me tomorrow 

just another day

Today started out as most of my days, waking up, grabbing that much needed cup of coffee, dragging kids out of bed, still trying to focus my eyes, as I hear the demands of breakfast orders, "I want cinnamon roll crunch" "I want oatmeal", "I want krispies", making lunches, another demanding ordeal. Getting the kids dressed, finding socks that match, looking for that lost shoe, that seems to some how disappear every morning, changing a diaper of yes a 3 year old that should be potty trained, signing folders for school, getting backpacks ready, slipping upstairs to throw a few drops of make-up on this tired face, hoping that people don't see how exhausted I truly feel. I am not morning person at all! Then trying to get 5 kids out the door, 4 off to school, first driving Brennan off to his big boy school as we call it, then making it to the little ones school, a kiss, a hug, an I love you, and 4 of them are off, my day has just begun and it's 8:45 in the morning...

So I come home to a peaceful house, is it bad that I enjoy it, just me and Ashlyn, so simple, yes I miss the kids, but boy they wore me out! I love having the time with just her, but hate that I miss out on enjoying the other kids, but maybe it's her time, she's shared me with them for 3 years, even though most days it still seems to be about her, she's the baby after all. I think she misses them too, playing with a bear all day







I however do not enjoy the fit throwing that she did, because her bear wasn't swinging the way she wanted it to



till we decided to let her swing with the bear, and mommy push



And I just love her little dirty feet hanging from the swing,



it didn't seem like it, but after a day of running to the bank, to the store, coming home doing a few things around the house, playing with Ashlyn and her friend bear, it was time to get the kids. how the peaceful day flies by!

dinner, house viewing, night baths, snack, bedtime, and here I sit, tired, ready to relax...goodnight to another day.

Letters to God

We watched a movie this weekend as a family, called Letters to God, if you haven't seen it I highly recommend it, It's based on a true story, about a boy who is dying of cancer, who touches the lives around him with the letters he writes to God. I wasn't sure how my little ones would like it or even grasp it, but they have asked to watch it over and over again. This movie touched me so much, bringing truth about how our lives effect those around us, and sometimes a bad situation is used for the greatest purpose. The movie has opened a whole new idea in my household with my kids wanting to write letters to God, though they know they can just talk to him, it's really sweet that they want to write these letters.


I want to share these letter my kids wrote, to touch your heart as much as it touched mine, and hoping that through my little kids words, God will touch your heart, by seeing the faith of a child.

This is the exact letters misspelled and all

Dear God,
Thank you for giving me a healthy family. I wish I could see you, and what you look like. Please forgive me for all the bad things I have done. I have a special way of seeing you when I am upset. I see you in my heart. I love you more then anything in the world. I love you so much that you don't even know how much I love you. We had a picnet today. I t was really fun. without you my life will not be as fun, but I know you are always in my heart. Where is heven at? I hope you read my letter. I am so glad you take your time just to help me sometimes. Pleas help everyone in my family to do the right thing. Thank you so much.

Love Leighton


Dear God,
I have a stiff neck I can't move it at all. When I do I get a headache. Pleas make it go away. It's a little hard to wright with out leaning my head down, but I love to right to you, and I love you. God wherever I put my letters can you read them pleas. I know you will read my letters. I know it's selfish, but can you pleas come down to earth and see me. I know you will make my neck better.
Leighton

Dear God,
Thank you for all that you done this family. Thank you for video games. I love you. Thank you for having a picnet. I know heven is a lot more funner than hear. Thank you for this planet. Thank you for this family and t.v.
Hayden

Dear God,
i love you. I like my presents. Thank you for making those presents for me. I wish i wasn't itchy.
Cohen

And here is the picnic that they thanked God for



i can already see the preteen in this one

finding it at the end of the day

It hasn't been an easy couple of days, not feeling much of myself. I don't know about you and your perfect marriages, but mine hasn't felt up to par these last couple of days, and the solution...was just the time that lacked in putting our effort into it. I was left feeling some what lonely, feeling a little forgotten about, were not perfect, were a work in progress, and when the work stops, and things get comfortable, they really start to become uncomfortable. A few tears later, a husband that listened to my needs, my wants, and my longings to be thought about, remembered, cherished, to be us again, were back on track...(honestly we probably weren't very fall off, but I don't know if your reading this and are a women, and get how far off it can feel, letting emotions blind a little or a lot of the truth)..but I sit here feeling thankful, that I am loved by the greatest man for me, that God knows how to open his sometimes stubborn heart, and reveal to me how to speak so he can understand, but I'm happy, fulfilled.... loved!!! I don't really know why I shared that, maybe to say, I'm real, I get down, but I pulled myself up again, I turned away from the lies, and looked at the truth.

I stopped feeling sorry for myself...

I stopped to enjoy the greatest gift I have, and enjoy what's right in front of me, instead of looking off in the distance to the things I can not see, and simply put I find happiness, in the walls I live in.

I mean come on, how could I not??? watching my kids play is one of my greatest joys, sitting outside on these last few beautiful wonderful sneaky fall days.

My kids decided to make a trap and they all got into it, a trap to catch a squirrel, they collected sticks, leaves, and acorns(there nice kids, they wanted to make sure they had food)




I watched Cohen and Ashlyn dance on the rocks, and laugh, and be silly. They play so well together feed off each others energy, I wish I could record the sound of their voices, their laughs, and songs




I tried to get a little creative with this pic, but it's so simple, but I love it, leaf in one hand, and sunglasses in the other, with that cute butt in a pair of jeans


A dry patch of dirt, became a favorite place for Ashlyn she sat there forever drawing in the dry dirt, pretending it was sand



but it's the littlest things that touched my heart the most, when they thought no one was looking, the camera was far out of sight, I saw this, they were just watching the cars go by....


and Ashlyn's shirt helped me to remember, it's in the tiniest moments, behind the lies, in every day moments, I just have to open my eyes and see it.

big girl

I've been noticing lately what a big girl you are, the way you talk, the way you act, the way you play with your big brothers and sisters. It's getting harder watching every day you get bigger, knowing that really I can't call you a baby anymore, even though your still my baby. I've realized I have to let you grow up, start challenging you more, let you get that independence I know you need so much. You've really always had this amazing independence trying to keep up with your older siblings, you crawled at 4 months...I believe just to prove to your brothers and sisters I may be small but I'm a force to be reckon with. I've been watching you play a lot more, since the kids are off to school and it's just you and me, you play like a big girl using your words and imagination, your really amazing!



I really noticed how big you seemed when Kati's twins were here, and you tried to be the mom, or big helper. you wanted to do it all! you were so sweet, I wondered what it would be like to have another baby, for you to be the big sister, but I know that someone always has to be the youngest, and you are perfectly our youngest child. I'm content with you being you right now, and enjoying every moment, I bet if you were not the youngest I probably wouldn't get the chance to notice all these wonderful changes in you.



I'm enjoying every moment...