release

i had already released you, and have been wondering why i feel this hold on me, why the emotions are rising up so strong, and grasping a hold of me so tight. i let go so long ago, after a conversation that i knew i could no longer hold on to expectations i had for you, so i released my childs grandmother, i let go of what i had thought you should be, and allowed you to be who you were, and it worked, when you did something i was surprised, and my heart was touched. I was no longer mad when a week went by, sometimes a month, a birthday call missed, because i no longer had expectations, i wasn't in control, of who you should be. i wasn't angry, i just had hope, i let go. but today, is harder, i find myself confused, and honestly a little angry, i've been silent, i've been waiting, and i've realized, i'm holding on, and it's time to let go, of expectations, but i never thought i would have to release a mother, to let go of that part of you, and it hurts because if i let go, it feels i'm losing you, or an idea of what i want you to be. if i let go will i be surprised again, or will i be hurt from more time lost between us? it's easier to let go of my child's grandmother, because they don't know, they don't know what they are missing, but to let go of my mother, to release and let you be who you are now, and not what i've held on to, who you use to be. because I do know, I know that at one time, you were the one i looked to for the best advise, the one i would call when something exciting happen, the one i could cry to when something didn't go my way, so i feel i'm losing, but the truth is i lost so long ago. i'm not letting you go, i'd never do that, i'm releasing my idea's, my holds, my anger, my expectations. i'm hoping that God will restore, what i can not. i pray for you, i pray that if others read this, they wouldn't feel pity on me, they wouldn't judge my words, it's hard to write this, it's hard to be open, but it's where i'm at today. i hope that my kids will get to know you, the real you, the one God has truly made you, i hope that our mother daughter relationship would be something new, something only God can restore, but in order to do that i know i have to give it to Him, to release you, so i'm not holding you back, because if i let go, God can have full control. so right as this moment, as these words are ending, you have been

released, but not without tears