not today

I want to write about something uplifting and good, but not today. I want to tell you how strong my faith is, but not today. what i want to do and what i am, are not the same. it's a hard state of mind t be in, wanting and being. not lining up. when you watch your own child in pain, when you see that he won't even walk, because his own skin is failing him, it takes you away from what you want to be to what you are. i've cried out to God, as i cry when these words, these truths of myself, come out. i've asked Him to heal, to help...and i wonder does He hear? everything inside of me tells me He does, I know that i know that He cares, but where is the rest? Where is my Healer? what am i doing wrong, I'm getting no where with doctors, they just make me feel i'm doing all these wrong, everyone has an opinion, and none line up. I don't want to be incharge of this, Do you remember Lord when I gave him back to you, that tiny baby at church, He's yours all yours, i don't understand, Why? I hear lies that i'm taking the easy way out, that believing for a miricle is the easy way, then i won't have to do all that i do for my little guy. but i just Believed that a miricle isn't the easy way out, it's the only way out. but today i'm crying out again, for all to see me weak, i don't care, i need You, I need Your help, I need You to show up. please. please i've gave him back to You, to care for him, to see over him, i know i can't do this with out You.