Why Lord?

Today is one of those days, when I uttered the words "why Lord" over and over again. It's one of those days when I have to pray for extra strength, when I have doubted myself, and when I have been humbled by His greatness. Today most of my "why Lord"s" have been directed at Cohen. The question starts with something so small, and ends up having me question all God's intentions.

Cohen has eczema, and other allergies, that make day in and day out for him tough. He has daily meds and daily things that should be done to keep him under control. He's constantly scratching at himself, which at this sight alone can bring me to tears. knowing that your kid is uncomfortable and you can't do anything to help him, or the daily routine a doctor has given you, just doesn't seem to be working, and more honestly sometimes i'm just to overwhelmed to do all the things it takes to keep him under control. That my first question is "why me, Lord", I don't feel fit to be Cohen's mother, wasn't there someone better suited for him, this question itself has brought on the tears, you see I don't want Cohen to be with someone else, he's mine and I'm ever thankful and gratefull! but I just don't seem fit, wasn't there someone more organized, more patient, I just don't feel I'm doing a good job, and that makes me question, "why was he given to me?" I'm sorry I don't feel ashamed asking that, in fact I believe one day because I've asked God will reveal, "why me", and it will fit with his perfect plan. Cohen needs a bath everyday, and to most that doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but to Cohen it's the worst thing, he screams and cries that it hurts him, and I don't have a lot of patients for this screaming, but try to get a three year old to completely understand that a bath is going to make him feel better when at the time, it's causing him pain. Do I listen to the doctor, or make the child comfortable? And if I let him skip a day, because in my mind, i think what's a day, to have a little peace... the doctors say it's a must, and then I'm not doing my job. so this brings on my next "why Lord" why does he have this sickness, or allergies, why can't God just heal him?

We have prayed for Cohen to be healed over and over again, and I ask," is it me?, do I not have enough faith?" If I would fast, If I would pray more, what can we do, I asked Benji once, bringing up a whole other topic, about what his parents did when he was ill, how they believed for Benji's healing. When I ask this question to God about a week ago, I asked Him what He wanted me to do, He simply but firmly answered, you can't do anything. This was a true wake up call, God can only heal, it's not by what we do, or what we don't do, it's by Him. I know this now, I know that He is in full control, but I still wonder "why Lord?" why hasn't He healed Him yet, or will He ever? I'm holding on to hope that He will, I often tell Cohen that I can see in my own mind, Jesus' blood running down his little body, making him perfect! I don't know why God hasn't healed Cohen, but I know that there is a reason, and I have to trust that even what I think is so bad, God is in control making it good, I have to trust what I can't understand at this moment, I will see one day for His greater glory.

As I got Cohen out of the bath, and I put his medicines on him, and he hugged me, before he laid down to take his nap..I uttered again "why Lord" why me, why do I get to have this wonderful boy, this child who through all his discomfort, can bring so much joy to this house. This child can light up a room with his smile, and make you laugh, the full on belly laugh, by the words that come out of his mouth. Why am I so lucky, to have been given this gift, this perfect cute blonde haired, brown eyed, beautiful little boy. I don't understand it at all, but God had to have seen me fit, worthy, which make me love Him more, to know that I have the honor of being over Cohen to help him with all his needs, to love him the way God has called me to love him, it's an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to my King.

I'm sure that my "why Lords" will continue throughout my life, sometimes out of doubt, sometimes out of pure curiosity, and sometimes out of a humbled spirit of not feeling worthy of what I have been given, but which ever way they come, I know that He is faithful, and always in control, everything is in His hands.

The life of every creature and the breath of all people are in God's hand.
Job 12:10

I noticed that it only says hand, not hands, it just goes to show me, where we would need both hands to handle a big situation, it only says hand, which shows me how great, how big our God really is. Please take the time to pray for Cohen, and for myself to do all that is asked for me to do with patience and love, to be the mother God has allowed me to be.