pack your bag

I watched my wedding video the other night, and i saw someone else. a girl, full of hope, and a happiness that i think can only happen on a wedding day. I felt as though i was watching someone else, even though i remember it all. i remember the feelings of excitement and joy. i remember thinking that this was only the beginning, the pastor spoke over our kids to come, i know i wasn't thinking of our kids at that moment, but when he spoke the words, it made me wonder if that little girl had any idea the great life that was a head of her. the gifts she was going to receive, i think she thought it couldn't get any better than it was right then. how much better it has gotten! watching that video was a wake-up call, i've been wondering what's next, what great things are to come, thinking that as i'm about to turn 30, life is going to go down hill from here, i've been believing i've lived the greatest joys already, can anything really be any greater than the moments i've already lived? having the joy of experiencing 5 kids, the pregnancy, the birth, the hospital stay, the newborns, the toddlers, the kids, but i believe there is so much more. i believe some of the greatest days of my life haven't even happened yet, just as that young 19 year old girl had no idea, life could get any better. we'll 10 years later, i sit here thinking that life couln't get any better than right now, but at the same time, there has been saddness, i guess kind of like the day of a wedding, knowing that all the planning has led up until that day, but now it's going to be over. making the decision to raise the kids, instead of having more kids, seems like the same thing. who am if i'm not birthing these babies, i found security in it, i was good at, it came easy, i got addicted to my pregnancy's and births. but i feel as God is saying it's time to move on, i've got so much more, and when i think about raising the kids, and enjoying them, i get so excited about the joys i have to come. i feel like God is saying don't look at this as an ending, and letting the end over rule, a new beginning. stop focusing on the closed door, it's closed, but look ahead to the path before you with new experiences, and new joys. I feel Him saying celebrate life, don't plan a funeral. live, it's what i put you here for. i was talking about this to my closest friend, and she said something that was so good, she was talking about packing her bags for the baby, and how exciting it is, and i felt like God said, we needed to live our lives packing our bags, for his plans, for his next steps for our lives. I thought about it more, and more, how clothes represent so many times in our lives, baby clothes, kids clothes, teen clothes, hand me downs, prom dresses, wedding gowns, maternity clothes, they represent stages of our lives, but what clothes am i wearing now? but i feel like it's moving time, moving into a new stage of my life, it's time to pack my bag, put those old clothes away or hand them over to someone else, God has new things for me, greater things. i don't understand what is in my bag, but i understand he is in control, he has placed just what i need. when i was just that 19 year old bride, i had no idea what bag i was packing, i just lived for that day, so at 29 years, feeling the same way, i'm just living for today, believing that life can't get any better than this, but fully knowing that it will, because God always has greater things for us. i'm celebrating today, i have my bags packed with a new found excitement.

this is so over

i'm fighting back! you can't have my joy, and my peace. i didn't recognize what was going on, until i brought it to Him. you are a thief and a liar. you deserve nothing, and you can't take anything from me. i'm standing firm on my Rock, i'm holding on to His words, and receiving His gifts. yes you got a little bit of me, but i'm taking it back, i will not let you lie to me, i will not let you decieve me into believing these things anymore. I've found the truth, and the truth is setting me free, free from you. you made me believe for a time, you made me feel as if i were alone, unwanted, and insecure, all your lies, all your minipulation, No more, He is greater, all powerful, all knowing. He knows who I am, I am all things through Christ who strengthens me. you can't defeat me, because i know who i am, even though you try to tell me i don't, you try to get me to question, and doubt who He says I am, you tell me i'm weak, i'm forgotten, i'm a nobody, i can't make a difference, we'll i'm here to say, I'm strong, I can not be forgotten, I'm everything through Him, i'm making a difference, and i'm going to make a difference. you are nothing, you are weak, you pry on the weak, and run from the strong, i won't have you coming around here, taking from me anymore, His words are stronger now, His truths are settled in me, His power is rising up, and i am believeing. i am me, and i am proud of who He has made me, i can and will do His will, i can end you having any part of my life, because He has given me the power to do so. so go on leave, get out, you've lost, this battle is over, victory is mine, and i've taken it, and i'm holding on to it, i'm not who i use to be, i've grown, i've learned, and you no longer have any place in my life. so back your bags, take them all with you, don't forget fear, or manipulation, grab self-doubt, pack unstable, stuff in anger and confusion, and get out!!

little things

Do you know I love you in the little things? This morning when you prayed with Cohen, for his leggies and all his itchies to be healed, I fell more in love with you. As I watched you hold him in your arms, and I listened to your sweet prayer, I thanked God for you, a tried to hide the tears, but I can't hide them now. Last night when I was stressed trying to get all the kids ready and out the door, the house was a mess, and I had to do hair when we got home, you quietly cleaned up for me, never asking why I couldn't manage my time better, you didn't rub that you worked all day and you shouldn't have to come home and do a "womens" work. You loved me through your actions, you loved me by not saying anything at all. I haven't been my best lately, and to you I'm the most sorry, I tend to take things out on you, and throw all my burdens on you, you listen and help as always, you never say "what about me," no I've taken those words, they are mine daily lately, and for that I am even more sorry. I've been living in this marriage focused on me and you haven't said anything at all, instead you've just loved, thankfully He has spoken to me, and let me see what an amazing man I have, a man who loves, and gives in so many little ways, but always ending with a big effect. I wish I could just get it right, to see that I need to care for you, get my eyes off of me, and how hard I've had it, I need to stop, and ask what I can do for you, ask how was your day. Thank you for loving me, the real me. I love you, and I hope you stumble upon this, but if you don't, know that I am going to be loving you in my actions, and trying to let you see my love in the little things. In the quiet moments where I too, won't say anything at all, and I hope that you feel the love I have for you now and more to come.

creative writing

Once upon a time a princess lived happily, but monsters and trolls ruined her kingdom. When she came out of her castle the monsters and trolls came to attack her, but the most magical thing happened, they couldn't get her, she discovered she was magical, when she was going to get harmed a protective shield saved her, and she couldn't be harmed any more and she saved people from the monsters and trolls.

I didn't write the story above, my daughter Leighton did, being only 8 years old, I thought this was pretty good, the way she used her words, I recognized a talent in her writing as I've always prayed that God would allow us to see. This is her story word for word, I just spelled some of the words correctly. She read this story to me, and as she was reading it I was captivated by her words, I thought "wow, you wrote this." she was so proud of herself and so am i, though part of me wishes she chose a different topic then monsters, but it seems a little girls mind is always filled with these things, i'm just proud she didn't need a prince to save her, not that that would be bad, but that she wrote about a princess being fully capable of saving herself. We've always tell her she can do anything she sets her mind to do.

Why Lord?

Today is one of those days, when I uttered the words "why Lord" over and over again. It's one of those days when I have to pray for extra strength, when I have doubted myself, and when I have been humbled by His greatness. Today most of my "why Lord"s" have been directed at Cohen. The question starts with something so small, and ends up having me question all God's intentions.

Cohen has eczema, and other allergies, that make day in and day out for him tough. He has daily meds and daily things that should be done to keep him under control. He's constantly scratching at himself, which at this sight alone can bring me to tears. knowing that your kid is uncomfortable and you can't do anything to help him, or the daily routine a doctor has given you, just doesn't seem to be working, and more honestly sometimes i'm just to overwhelmed to do all the things it takes to keep him under control. That my first question is "why me, Lord", I don't feel fit to be Cohen's mother, wasn't there someone better suited for him, this question itself has brought on the tears, you see I don't want Cohen to be with someone else, he's mine and I'm ever thankful and gratefull! but I just don't seem fit, wasn't there someone more organized, more patient, I just don't feel I'm doing a good job, and that makes me question, "why was he given to me?" I'm sorry I don't feel ashamed asking that, in fact I believe one day because I've asked God will reveal, "why me", and it will fit with his perfect plan. Cohen needs a bath everyday, and to most that doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but to Cohen it's the worst thing, he screams and cries that it hurts him, and I don't have a lot of patients for this screaming, but try to get a three year old to completely understand that a bath is going to make him feel better when at the time, it's causing him pain. Do I listen to the doctor, or make the child comfortable? And if I let him skip a day, because in my mind, i think what's a day, to have a little peace... the doctors say it's a must, and then I'm not doing my job. so this brings on my next "why Lord" why does he have this sickness, or allergies, why can't God just heal him?

We have prayed for Cohen to be healed over and over again, and I ask," is it me?, do I not have enough faith?" If I would fast, If I would pray more, what can we do, I asked Benji once, bringing up a whole other topic, about what his parents did when he was ill, how they believed for Benji's healing. When I ask this question to God about a week ago, I asked Him what He wanted me to do, He simply but firmly answered, you can't do anything. This was a true wake up call, God can only heal, it's not by what we do, or what we don't do, it's by Him. I know this now, I know that He is in full control, but I still wonder "why Lord?" why hasn't He healed Him yet, or will He ever? I'm holding on to hope that He will, I often tell Cohen that I can see in my own mind, Jesus' blood running down his little body, making him perfect! I don't know why God hasn't healed Cohen, but I know that there is a reason, and I have to trust that even what I think is so bad, God is in control making it good, I have to trust what I can't understand at this moment, I will see one day for His greater glory.

As I got Cohen out of the bath, and I put his medicines on him, and he hugged me, before he laid down to take his nap..I uttered again "why Lord" why me, why do I get to have this wonderful boy, this child who through all his discomfort, can bring so much joy to this house. This child can light up a room with his smile, and make you laugh, the full on belly laugh, by the words that come out of his mouth. Why am I so lucky, to have been given this gift, this perfect cute blonde haired, brown eyed, beautiful little boy. I don't understand it at all, but God had to have seen me fit, worthy, which make me love Him more, to know that I have the honor of being over Cohen to help him with all his needs, to love him the way God has called me to love him, it's an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to my King.

I'm sure that my "why Lords" will continue throughout my life, sometimes out of doubt, sometimes out of pure curiosity, and sometimes out of a humbled spirit of not feeling worthy of what I have been given, but which ever way they come, I know that He is faithful, and always in control, everything is in His hands.

The life of every creature and the breath of all people are in God's hand.
Job 12:10

I noticed that it only says hand, not hands, it just goes to show me, where we would need both hands to handle a big situation, it only says hand, which shows me how great, how big our God really is. Please take the time to pray for Cohen, and for myself to do all that is asked for me to do with patience and love, to be the mother God has allowed me to be.

an open heart

my blog title is an open heart. i recently closed another blog, but this is not what this post is about. it's a beginning, a change, a new way. accepting where i am, and where God is going to lead me. to accept i can't go in the past, i can only live for today. i'm going to live with an open heart, a heart that is alive, and takes what this life has given me, through good times and bad, i often shut down this part of me, when i'm hurt, overwhelmed, or can't handle what has been laid out before. i think it was a protective mechanism. i shut down my blog for this reason. As i tend to shut down other areas of my life. it's a fear, it's wrong. i try to guard what is not mine to guard, my heart. I've realized it's His, i've realized, i can't shut down, but need to be more open. I need to let God have full control, and I can't do this if I've closed it off. I have a lot of issues, who doesn't right, we're human, we can't do it with out Him. I've lived my life wanting people to see me strong, but I've realized when they have, it was His strength not my own. His words, His voice. I have to be open, even in my weakest moments, so that He can be who He is, and make me who He wants me to be. I hope that I can share what it is like to live with a true open heart, allowing all life's experiences and gifts to mold me into what He has created me for. I'm opening my heart in all ways, to speak and share, all that He has given me, through relationships with my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, and through Him. I'm set out to do this with An open heart, a heart that is ready to accept, ready to give, and ready to really love.