mother's day

what do i want to remember about yesterday..Mother's day...

not the craziness of the day, going from here to there, making sure we get in all of the days priorities, or commitments i wish i didn't make. that i was sorry i didn't let my husband play, when i saw how bad he wanted to be up there, my heart broke. he has this desire in his heart, that i walked in front of, blocking it. because of what yesterday was, what i thought was about me. i don't want to remember the amount of falls, and tears the kids had yesterday, or the tiredness that is making my kids crabby today!

no i want to remember, the way i woke up, the way i began the day, the first person that made me feel so special, his arms, his kiss, his love. i want to remember getting coffee brought to me, carefully brought up the stairs, hoping she wouldn't spill anything, while i was getting ready. i want to remember, the smell of bacon, and blueberry muffin's getting cooked for just me...we'll so i thought. i want to remember the way the plate was sitting on the table, with my breakfast just waiting for me, with kids eyes so proud for what they did for their mommy. i want to remember benji helping me look for that shoe, so i could get out the door. i want to remember the kids each lining up on the couch waiting to hand me the gifts they picked out all by themselves. they were all sweet gifts, Cohen's - m&m's, oh he was so proud, benji said he knew exactly what to get me before they even got to the store. Hayden- silver bracelets, because silver is his favorite color, Leighton- an "L" necklace, so i would know who always gave it to me, and Brennan- a faith necklace with a cross, because he know' s i love God...my kids the way they love me is what i want to remember, Ashlyn was to little to know what day it was, but a hug, and her saying it's so pretty, will be inscribed on my heart forever. i want to remember the starbucks coffee brought to me, with the leftover blueberry muffins, as my kids and hubby came to church, later then me. (i had to work the nursery, yes on mothers day!) i want to remember, hanging out with my family, the laughs we shared, the branch that "fell" to make Katie's electricity go out. the hugs of the day, the excitement of planning up coming dates.

it was a good day, a fun day, a great day. a day to stop and remember how truly blessed i am to be a mother, a day where i realized the focus shouldn't be about other's celebrating me as a mom, but me celebrating, the amazing privilege to be a mom.

yes i hope i remember, that being a mom is the greatest gift of all.

today's thoughts

i really need to get my laundry finished, i never have a problem starting something, it's finishing it. i'm good with the idea of something it's following through.

i'm getting so excited about disney world, we leave in 2 weeks! i feel i have so much to do, yet can't do anything yet.

i'm praying for a little man to enter this world real soon! my heart longs to meet him so bad. i'm sure his mama understands this a little more than me. 2cm!! baby, "what ever you let rule your mind, will rule your life" prov 23:7 also Lord, if he could come before i leave....you make two bff's really happy!

i've been at home truly enjoying the kids i have. i've made myself stop and listen to what they say, instead of it just being my normal background noise.

i've realized i have the sweetest, kids, they really care for one another. Leighton saved Ashlyn falling down the steps, she's todays hero.

i get to go to Milwaukee and hang out with an old friend and photographer, who is going to take the time to teach me some very important things.

i'm nervous, my heart wants to change courses into photography, but i'm scared, scared of failing and not being good at it. dreams feel better in a distance, at least i can control them.

"do or do not, there is not try" Master yoda...o.k. i've turned into my husband loving a quote from star wars, what can i say, it's making me think, about going for things, believing, and knowing i have what it takes.

ones trash is another treasure, boy is this true in my house right now..benji brought home some lady's junk, and my kids haven't stopped playing with it. makes me wonder

my heart just jumped for joy. brennan just asked for the camera, he wanted to capture a cute moment...i love when i can see my passions rub off on the kids.

praying for cohen, his skin to be healed. i don't know how people take care of really sick kids, my thoughts go out to you. it's hard to watch cohen in pain with just eczema, but nothing is to little for God, who is our healer and comforter.

i only have a few more pounds!!! stay focused.

dora can be a life saver, when i need a few more minutes.

i'm turning 30 soon...

i'm putting shorts on this summer, i don't care about my insecurities, i'm sick of living that way..i want to live. i found a swimsuit, that i actually feel good in! and it's not a cover all, and my daughter told me i look young, and she wants to look like me...that made my day, i needed that!

i'm getting excited about michelle's wedding, even though i think it's going to be the most emotional day.

mothers day, i hope doesn't stink.. i wonder when will mothers day be about me?

i can't wait for summer, no school. lazy days. lake trips. camping. family time. no commitments.

Lord, you feel far away, remind me of you today...

i need to spend more time in His words, i think he's only heard mine this week. i can take the time, im not to busy, no excuses.

it's not about me, it's not about me.....i love no matter what...i need to stop setting people up to fail me..and just love them for who they are..i'm only accountable for me.

words are powerful, i need to speak only good things.

why are kids so amazing, the way they think, and play, i wonder if God wonders this about us.

today is going to be a good day, i need patients as always, i want to get on the floor and play, laugh a lot, really talk with the kids, maybe turn on some music and dance, sing my heart out for Him, and make today leave an imprint on my heart.

to: my heart..... from: me

Good morning heart, i see your doing pretty good, although it's time to let go....let go of that hurt, it's making you beat a little slower today. i don't see that sparkle you usually give to me. it's time to release somethings, and be new again. so on this day, i'm here to remind you. your husband loves you, more than you know. he would do anything for you, he's just human, and it's natural for him to think of himself, don't you on many occasions? on most occasions? isn't that why i'm here reminding you, because your're thinking only of yourself? he's not trying to hurt you, so stop taking offense. remember the way he hugged you this morning, didn't that make you skip a beat? it made me feel great. i see you trying to shut down, i see you building those walls, but remember, you are going to be open, always opening your door to give out, and let in, no matter what.you made a promise, and i'm holding you to that promise. you want to live with a full heart, not half hearted. so today i'm reminding you, you are loved. loved by those around you, enjoy today, experience the good, and love to the fullest.

“Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased.

Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken.

But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.”

heavy hearted

my heart is heavy tonight, maybe due to the book i've been reading, then i keep hearing news of a horrible tragedy, and it's all made me just feel sad. sad to live in a world, we are no longer designed to live in. a world full of hurt and sadness. why do these things have to happen, why do we have to be scared, to live in a world that we must lock our doors, or have pain that can't be explained. i mean i know why, sin, but at the same time, it makes me wonder. were not suppose to fear, because God will protect us, i know this, but what about those moments, that protection doesn't matter? what about the preacher that got shot in his own church? i know it all will work out for the greater good, and the preacher is in heaven, the best place to be. but i guess tonight, this world just feels lost, hopeless, full of awful things, it just makes me want to skip this life, and go to the life i was intended for. a life full of His glory. i want to believe nothing bad will ever happen to me or my family, but in this life there are guarantee's. we sin and a sinful world has pain, a free world has pain. i just pray that me and my family are protected, that fear would not camp out in here, but we would know that no matter what comes our way, His glory will always be greater. tonight i'm sad, and i'm sorry i am, but it's my heart, a heavy heart, a heart that i'm handing over to Him to protect, restore, and give me peace. i can't do it alone, tomorrow i may have the strenth, tomorrow i may have joy, but tonight i have tears. tears for others, tears of not understanding, but i know i don't have to, i just have to trust, that no-matter what, He is God. He put me here, for a life to live, i guess it's just hard, i keep wondering is this the world i really want to raise my family in, no it's not, i want something greater, and i hold on that He is the greater. we will meet up with Him one day, and i will know this is why i live. that at that moment, i will know this is the life i was intended for.

i want to grow old together

i was watching the duggars the other night, you know the show with the 18 kids, this particular episode was about grandpa duggar dying. i was so touched by this episode, but not for the normal reasons i guess. they showed old clips of grandma duggar taking care of him, feeding him, washing him, taking care of him however he needed. i was so touched, it made wonder if that's how me and benji would be. would i love him so much that i could feed him, bath him, care for him. i know i could, but sometimes i wonder how? on those days when i want to run the other way, when i don't feel the love from benji, when he hasn't done what i think is enough or his part in our marriage. when our love life seems to be measured by our intense feeling, on the romantic stuff, on the ooey, gooey things. i always thought i would rather have passion, the real fire, the can't keep our hands off of each other kind of marriage, but as i watched the show, i realized this is what i wanted. i want to grow old together, take care of each other, even when it's not pretty, or romantic. no i want more, that deep friendship, that strong foundation, a love that takes up my whole being. to really have a mind set to put the other first. that as we get older, things are going to fade out, but what counts is the years of building we put into our marriage. it's funny, i've lived most of my life wanting those "new years" in a realationship, the ones where you would do anything for the object of your affection, you know the exciting times, the long phone calls, the love notes,i've tried to recreate them, but honestly i think i want the "old years" i want to live a long life with the man i love, hold hands, and talk about the good old years, take care of each other with a love that can't be shaken. i want to grow old together, to make him proud, of the love i have given him. these are the years that matter, the years leading up to our "old years"

sleepover fun

we had a successful sleepover. hayden had the best time, playing video games with his little buddy miles. they played for a pretty long time, laughing, and defeating, we'll i don't know who they were defeating, but i just heard the words coming out of there mouth.

we went to get snacks at target,(i think people thought i was crazy taking a picture in the middle of target, but who cares) and hayden got to choose who got to go, all the other kids pleading with him to let them go, but hayden insisted only miles, and i was o.k. with this because i got to enjoy hayden being a friend, instead of a brother. they laughed almost the whole ride there, talking about gross boy things, and thinking they were the funniest things that ever lived. i laughed at there remarks, some of what they said, i don't think i will ever forget. one thing i know is they can sure talk. i let them choose what ever snacks they wanted, and boy did they go crazy!

after our shopping trip it was back home for more video game fun and then time to get out the sleeping bags and watch movies! they got to stay up extra late, around midnight, yes that is late, but isn't that what sleepovers are for, to have fun and have no bed time...we'll maybe that's what we get to do.

they woke up around 7:30 and honestly i was thinking you got to be kidding me!! i was hoping late bed time, means late morning, but they were ready to go, playing more video games, and building things together. all and all, i think they had great time, i believe they want to do it again, but maybe next time, hayden will be packing his bags!!

boys will be boys!

excitement about a sleep over

tonight is the night, hayden is having his first sleep over. for days he has been counting down the day, and now he's counting down the minutes.

he has been waiting at the window all day, double checking to make sure the car is not miles car. he thinks they are going to stay up all night long! play video games, and have boy time, no girls aloud, and maybe no brother. as we speak he just asked me again.."when is miles going to get here?"

he is so excited, he just can not stand it, it's his first real big boy sleep over. i thought that i would document this event. but for now i just have him being excited.





stay tuned to see how the night went! all boys all fun! we are planning on getting snacks, a movie, (don't worry tori it will be miles appropriate) and staying up late! wow what a fun night!!! we just got the call, miles is on the way!!!