the truth...it's been awhile

In the past days, months, time has rolled extremely fast. i hate to admit it, but it's been awhile. yes there's the time as i stop for a minute, during the dishes, a quick prayer at night, in the shower, in the car, just during my day in and day out routine, that i've said those words, as i've kept moving, i know you've heard me, i know you know, but i haven't given you all that you deserve, I know i'm not even capable of all you deserve, but i know that you don't think that way, i know you know.


but today, i'm here, sitting at the feet of your thrown, bowing my head, shame in my eyes, and walls covering my heart. asking you for the greatest gift i could ever receive, forgiveness. i've held on to things way to long, forgot to speak to my best friend, my father, my provider, i'm so ashamed, i haven't stop to tell you about my day, i just assume you know it, but forget that you love to hear it from my point of view, you love my kids, you love my friends, my family, but i know you love to hear how i love them, how i feel about them. I know it gives you great joy to see what you have given me completes me in a way, you created them for. i forgot to stop and tell you thank you for all that i've been given, from you. I've taken so easily, yet ashamed to admit, that i just assumed you know, yes i know you do, you hear my thoughts as i've told you, but to say it aloud, to let you know that it's all from you, it's all because of you.


I'm blown away at your work, at where i am today, i sit so comfortably in  my house, because i believed, that you would provide, not a day went by that i doubted that, it's so easy to call to you when things are getting hard, when i want something so bad, that i came to you day in and day out, and ask, and believed that you would give me stability, comfort and peace, and as easily as i asked, i watched it walk into my life, and here it sits, in my house, in my life, all around me. i can't say it enough in these moments, but I pray, i say it everyday, every time i think it, i'm reminded at your work in my life, those little moments that led to these great ones.

THANK YOU! for so many things, forgive me, forgive me, make my heart more open, break down these walls, that I created myself, maybe they started as one block, but i've built them high, break them and make me free again, to see you in everything, to block out the lies, to hear your voice clear, and not behind a stone building, let me here the whisper so softly and not have to wait for the scream, muffled behind a wall. be next to me, be in everything, I'll knock them down myself, for I want to be free, but I know i can't do it alone, healing and grace only comes from you.

Thank you for my life, for the air i breath, for the husband that you choose for me, for the kids you created in my womb, for the  family that i've been placed with, for the friends you placed so perfectly, for the job you provided, for the house that protects us, for the dream that is unfolding, for all that is and is to come, I thank you. you are everything, and how dare i forget that. how dare i take another step without seeing you in it, the good, the bad, the wonderful, the heartbreaking, the joy, the pain, the love, the anger, the hope, in it all, your there, and i wouldn't want to do it any other way. Thank you! for who you are, and for making me who i am,so far from perfect, but understanding that you are working in me, to become what you want me to be, i'm here open hearted, open arms, ready again to be what you see me to be.