just o.k.

i just want to give my daughter a good birthday party, surrounded by the people she loves. just a simple family birthday party, where laughs, and love fill the room....

but already it is not what it is,

phone calls, texts, preparing for the day, have left me wondering "what went wrong"

my family is not as strong as it use to be, divorced parents, make things a little tricky. I thought since i was older it would be easier, but already before a foot walks through my door, i feel the tension, the uneasiness. 

"is your mom going to be there" do you remember when mom lit up your world? when she was the love of your life?

just can't it be, leighton's day, with out heart ache, she doesn't understand. just mi-mi and pa-pa is all she wants,


thank God for my sisters, great aunts, who yes are busy, who yes i wish i got to see more, who i wish got to see my kids more, but they are my sisters, my greatest supporters, understanders, were in this together, listening and loving, and I know if i or my kids needed anything they would be here. always and forever my true best friends in this life, who see me for me, in all that i am, no hiding no pretending, i don't have to be strong, they love me no matter what, they don't expect anything, but me.


maybe it will be good, ( i really feeling like laughing here) because good now really just means maybe it will be just o.k. we'll make it through, maybe we won't feel the big elephant in the room, the smiles, the pretending, the space.

it's just new, even though it feels it's been a while, but a simple day, that use to happen all the time, it's not so simple anymore.


i miss simple